DEAR ABBY: I love my husband of 13 years and our 6-year-old son. They both love me. The problem is, the two of them cannot get along when I'm around. They constantly fight over me. Don't get me wrong, I have loved all the attention I have been getting these last few years, but the jealousy is getting old.

Abby, they fight as if they are siblings. I feel like I am raising two sons instead of having a happy home life. I never tell either one that I love him more than the other. Should I tell my husband that I love him more in front of our son? After all, one day my son will leave home. Would that hurt my son's feelings? Would that help in the conflict? What should I say or do? -- DIVIDED HEART, DECATUR, ILL.

DEAR DIVIDED: Regardless of how much you "loved the attention," you should have nipped this in the bud when it started years ago. It's time for a frank conversation with your husband, telling him in no uncertain terms that it's time for him to grow up and stop acting like a 6-year-old. You are his wife, and the love you feel for him is that of a woman for a man, not that of a mother for her child.

Under no circumstances should you tell your husband in front of your son that you love him "more." Your son does not need to hear that. What he does need to hear is that he is your firstborn child, and because of that he will always occupy a special place in your heart. To say anything else would only cause the rivalry to escalate.

If my advice doesn't resolve this issue, then it's time to call a licensed psychotherapist and schedule some family counseling. Please don't put it off. What's happening in your household is unhealthy for all concerned.

DEAR ABBY: Long story short, my husband of 11 years and I were having serious marital problems and on the verge of divorce. At the same time, my sister moved in with us -- at my invitation. Apparently, one thing led to another, and she and my husband say they have fallen in love.

My husband and I decided to try and save our marriage. Then, two days later, he and my sister slept together! I kicked both of them out of my house. They think they did nothing wrong because, according to my husband, he has no intention of working anything out with me. I say he's an S.O.B., and my sister is a @#!%#. Am I wrong?

Everyone in my family agrees with me, and I am being painted by my sister and my husband as "turning everyone against her." I say I'm justified.

What makes it harder is I still love them both and have now lost my sister and my best friend, and I don't know what to do. -- BROKENHEARTED IN PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR BROKENHEARTED: You say your marriage was on the verge of collapse, and your husband had no intention of working anything out with you. You invited your sister in and put her in the middle. It was a recipe for disaster.

While your anger and disappointment are understandable, you must now decide how long you intend to let them rule your life. If you nurture them, it will poison your soul and leave you bitter.

I have a possible solution. You say you still love them both; then why not forgive them? It will free you to go on with your own life -- and they deserve each other.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I had to write after reading the letter from "Ready to Serve in New Hampshire" (Feb. 23), who felt compelled to delay her dinner party when her guests brought fresh vegetables from their garden.

My husband's summer hobby is a large vegetable garden, and he, too, enjoys giving away the fruits of his labor. When we are invited to dine with friends, he also brings a gift of his wonderful vegetables. But in no way does he expect our hosts to prepare them for us. They are intended for the family to enjoy at future meals.

I doubt that "Ready's" guests intended for her to cook those veggies, either. She should have thanked them and stored their gift for future dining. -- FARMER'S WIFE IN KANSAS

DEAR FARMER'S WIFE: Most of the letters I received commenting on that question agreed that the woman had stressed out needlessly, and that common sense dictated the items should be consumed later. However, some other readers wanted to share their own experiences when receiving and giving edible gifts. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I often bring a basket of vegetables from my garden as a house gift, especially if someone had commented on my garden. Never in my wildest dreams would I think my hosts would put everything on hold in order to serve the veggies immediately. If I brought homemade bath salts as a gift, I wouldn't expect the hosts to stop what they were doing and take a bath.

"Ready's" friends did nothing wrong. She overreacted to their kind gesture. -- GREEN THUMB IN AMARILLO, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: What on earth made "Ready to Serve" think she was supposed to cook the items her guests brought to her home? If they were meant to be served that evening, they would have already been prepared. My guess is that the guests eat those fresh vegetables every day while they are in season, and the last thing they'd want to do is eat them again at somebody else's house.

"Ready" made a mistake and then got frustrated. Just because I take fresh eggs to my friends when they invite me to dinner doesn't mean I want them scrambled for the meal. -- COUNTRY GIRL FROM THE SOUTH

DEAR ABBY: A Southerner by birth and training, it is not in me to forgo bringing a host/hostess gift to dinner, no matter how informal the meal. I also would not expect my gift to be used then and there.

"Ready" should have smiled graciously and said, "Oh, how lovely! Bob and I will certainly eat well this week." Those of us who bring edible gifts should indicate that they are intended for later enjoyment. -- SOUTHERN GENT

DEAR ABBY: Who invites guests over for dinner and has the meal ready to serve as they arrive? How about a little conversation while dinner is being prepared? How about some time to relax and talk before sitting down to the table?

The fresh vegetables this couple brought could be added to the menu if desired, but a matter of 15 or 20 minutes' preparation time shouldn't be the deciding factor. -- JOHN C. IN POMPANO BEACH, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 47-year-old male and grateful to "Ready" for bringing back some wonderful memories of summers at my Grandmother Ruby's house. We spent many a summer gardening together. We would take vegetables over to friends and family, and they'd do the same for us. It was Ruby's way to show off her garden and share its bounty with others.

When my grandmother received such a gift, she would always make a big deal of it and, if the veggies were pre-cleaned, would place them in a basket and use them for a centerpiece. Thanks for helping me remember a wonderful time. -- SMILING STILL IN SAN ANGELO, TEXAS

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 28-year-old woman and have been dating a 26-year-old man I'll call "Chris" for four months. We have become good friends. On our last date, the topic of sex came up, and Chris told me that he was a virgin and that it was very important for him to find a girl who had "never been with anyone" either.

Well, Abby, that bridge was burned when I was a teenager. I was honest with Chris about it, which was not easy because I now regret some of the poor choices I made at that time of my life. I am a completely different person now due to a religious conversion and am waiting until I am married to have sex again.

I told Chris this, and asked if he wanted to continue the relationship. His answer was he'd "have to think about it." We are still friends. He says he likes me and still wants us to date.

However, although I care deeply for him, I now feel devalued. I'm afraid this issue is going to cause problems in the future. I believe that purity is an issue more of the heart than the body. If I had known that virginity was so important to Chris, I would never have dated him in the first place. I can't change the past, and I have strong opinions about men who sing "Amazing Grace" in church while insisting on marrying virgins. What should I do? -- DEFLOWERED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR "DEE": Cross Chris off your list as husband material. Your friend may be self-conscious about his lack of experience or his old-fashioned values. It's the old double standard, and even some men who have sown acres of wild oats feel this way.

While most men today have more sophisticated thinking about sex, the one you are dating has his heart set on a "sweet old-fashioned girl." If that's what he wants, it's his privilege -- provided he can find one. As for you, it was your bad luck to get involved with someone whose values are different from your own, but that's the luck of the draw. Please don't take it personally. It's time to move on.

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