DEAR ABBY: I am a 28-year-old woman and have been dating a 26-year-old man I'll call "Chris" for four months. We have become good friends. On our last date, the topic of sex came up, and Chris told me that he was a virgin and that it was very important for him to find a girl who had "never been with anyone" either.

Well, Abby, that bridge was burned when I was a teenager. I was honest with Chris about it, which was not easy because I now regret some of the poor choices I made at that time of my life. I am a completely different person now due to a religious conversion and am waiting until I am married to have sex again.

I told Chris this, and asked if he wanted to continue the relationship. His answer was he'd "have to think about it." We are still friends. He says he likes me and still wants us to date.

However, although I care deeply for him, I now feel devalued. I'm afraid this issue is going to cause problems in the future. I believe that purity is an issue more of the heart than the body. If I had known that virginity was so important to Chris, I would never have dated him in the first place. I can't change the past, and I have strong opinions about men who sing "Amazing Grace" in church while insisting on marrying virgins. What should I do? -- DEFLOWERED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR "DEE": Cross Chris off your list as husband material. Your friend may be self-conscious about his lack of experience or his old-fashioned values. It's the old double standard, and even some men who have sown acres of wild oats feel this way.

While most men today have more sophisticated thinking about sex, the one you are dating has his heart set on a "sweet old-fashioned girl." If that's what he wants, it's his privilege -- provided he can find one. As for you, it was your bad luck to get involved with someone whose values are different from your own, but that's the luck of the draw. Please don't take it personally. It's time to move on.

DEAR ABBY: I had a teenage pregnancy while our family was living in a foreign country. I gave birth to a son and named him "Jacob." After a few months, my parents thought it best to send me away to live with relatives.

My parents raised Jake as their own, legally adopted him and never hid the fact that I am his biological mother. Eventually everyone in my family moved to where I live, including my son, whom I treat as a younger brother. However, we have never lived under one roof.

I am now the mother of 2-year-old twins. Jacob adores the girls and sees them often. I don't know how I should explain Jake to my daughters. No one outside my family knows he is my son. My husband knew about this long before we had children, but never mentioned it to any of his family.

I didn't do the right thing when I was younger. I never got the chance to be a mother to Jacob, but I would like to be a good one for my girls, and I'm hoping you can help me. -- JUST CALL ME BRIANNA

DEAR BRIANNA: Your daughters are so little they are not likely to ask questions about Jacob for many years to come. But secrets have a way of revealing themselves, often at the most inopportune times.

Because so many family members know Jacob is your son, it is likely to come out sometime. When it does, do not deny it. Simply say that when Jacob was born, you were very young and unable to provide for him financially -- which is why your parents adopted and raised him as their own. It's the truth. End of story.

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DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter from "Dirty Family Laundry" (Feb. 24), who asked you how to stop her mother-in-law from doing her laundry. Would you please ask her to send her mother-in-law to my house? She'd be greatly appreciated.

I used to be picky about how laundry got done and where the dishes were put away. But now that I live 1,000 miles from all family, and have a baby and a 3-year-old to take care of AND unending chores to do, I would love the help. -- TIRED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR TIRED: Your sentiments were echoed in the majority of the responses I received from readers about that letter. Most of them felt she should stop "sweating the small stuff" and be grateful to have a mother-in-law who is willing to help out any way she can. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Not only is the writer of that letter "particular," but also ungrateful. Life is too short to look for things to complain about. Let it go, dear. So what if she doesn't do the laundry just right? It can all be replaced, and sooner or later you will find whatever item she has misplaced. It really isn't worth getting upset about. I am truly grateful that my daughter-in-law overlooks my mistakes and loves me in spite of them. -- LINDA IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law used to come to our house for weekend visits. My husband and I would work and come home to a "clean" kitchen. The only problem was she couldn't see very well, and all of the dishes were still dirty and put in the wrong cupboards. The stove and countertops were also covered with an inch of soap film. Everything had to be washed all over again.

After about six of her visits, and grumbling under our breath after she left, my husband and I decided that this would become the ritual and turned it into a treasure hunt to recapture our kitchen.

My mother-in-law has since had a stroke that has left her paralyzed, so she doesn't visit anymore. What we wouldn't do to have her whole again. -- WHAT'S TWO DAYS EVERY NOW AND THEN?

DEAR ABBY: Her mother-in-law does her laundry while she's baby-sitting? And instead of being grateful for the help, she criticizes the way it is done? That woman needs a reality check about what is important in life -- the generosity of someone who is willing to do her housework and watch her kids, or whether her laundry is done to her specifications. She owes her mother-in-law a hug and a thank-you, not criticism. -- WISH MY MOM-IN-LAW WAS STILL WITH US

DEAR ABBY: I have lived with the same problem for 16 years. My suggestion? Stop regarding her helpfulness as criticism.

I used to think it was my mother-in-law's way of telling me I wasn't doing my job properly. Maybe it was. Maybe it was a control issue. Or perhaps she only wants to be helpful. Who cares? Hide any clothes that need special attention someplace where she won't find them. Then write 100 times on a piece of paper, "She did the laundry so I don't have to. Yay!" So what if her son's Batman underwear are in his sock drawer? She'll find them ... eventually! -- TINA IN VIRGINIA BEACH

DEAR ABBY: Years ago, my mother would come to visit our young, busy family. She would drag out the ironing board and tackle my overflowing laundry baskets. At first I was embarrassed, then upset. It wasn't until I realized that Mom felt this was her contribution to our family that I got smart and became thankful. I would leave a small basket for her to work on and hide the rest.

Now, whenever I'm standing over that same ironing board, I can feel my mom smiling down and saying, "Do you want help with that?" -- MISSING MAMA IN MILFORD, MASS.

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DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Scott" for several years. He's a wonderful man. It's the second marriage for me, the third for Scott. We are in our 40s and attend a lot of school sporting events for his youngest sons. We live in a small town. Scott grew up here and knows everyone.

My problem is the mother of one of the team members. She is married but seems to have issues. She's obnoxiously flirtatious with Scott. Her husband has not accompanied her to many of the games, and her behavior is escalating.

I am not usually a jealous person, but this is getting annoying. I have, until this point, always been nice to her. I finally spoke with Scott about it, and he does try to avoid her some. I feel like the other parents have noticed, and it is embarrassing.

Scott is trustworthy, and I don't want to take this out on him. But it has been getting to me lately, and I find myself being mad at him. I don't want to make a scene. What do you suggest? -- ANNOYED IN OAK GROVE, MO.

DEAR ANNOYED: This isn't something you can handle alone. You and your husband must confront this woman together in order to effectively put an end to it. The next time the flirt comes on to Scott, she needs to be told, "You are embarrassing both of us and yourself when you act this way -- so stop it!"

DEAR ABBY: You frequently advise a child with problems at home to seek out a trusted teacher to confide in. In today's climate of sexual abuse allegations -- and factual cases -- most teachers do not want to become involved in a student's personal life, especially since they are hearing only one side of the story.

To ask a teacher to venture into serious allegations of abuse and/or neglect is not fair to the teacher or his family, and few are qualified to help, other than to call the police or child protective services.

I would suggest instead a trusted relative who has some knowledge or insight into the family dynamics, or even a hotline number to call for professional advice. We expect a lot from our teachers, but we should not put them in jeopardy by asking them to step out of their realm, where their untrained actions or inactions could possibly be harmful. -- MOTHER OF A TEACHER, SANTA ANA, CALIF.

DEAR MOTHER OF A TEACHER: I advise children who are being physically or sexually abused to confide in a trusted teacher because teachers are mandated by law to report crimes against children. In my opinion, for a teacher to ignore it because it might be awkward would be criminal. You do not have to be "trained" to report abuse. I have done it myself.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "LOSER" IN SOUTH CAROLINA: Despite the physical, verbal and psychological abuse you have suffered at the hands of your husband all these years, you are NOT a "loser." You feel helpless, useless and unlovable not because you are any of those things, but because abusers typically chip away at their victims' self-esteem until it is eroded to zero.

Suicide is not the answer to your problem, dear lady. Finding a way to escape is. Please call the National Domestic Violence toll-free hotline so its counselors can help you form an escape plan. It will change your life. The number is (800) 799-7233. Do not waste another day -- do it now! Love, Abby

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)