DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Connor," is very gallant. However, I believe he is carrying it too far.

Connor helps other women before he extends those courtesies to me. For instance, if we're out with other couples, he will open the door for the other women before me. Sometimes he forgets me entirely. Also, when we're in a restaurant, he will rush to hold their chairs for them while I just stand there.

At the end of the evening, he thinks nothing of leaving me to escort them to their cars. I have suggested that we do this together and that he offer me this treatment first, but he insists that it is proper protocol to extend this treatment to others first. Is this true? -- BEVERLY IN SEATTLE

DEAR BEVERLY: It certainly is not. What you're describing is not gallantry -- it's lack of consideration for your feelings.

A gentleman's first priority should be the lady he's escorting. When he rushes to assist other women before you, it means he's thinking of them first. Their escorts -- not yours -- should be seeing to their comfort and safety. I'd say your boyfriend needs to brush up on his manners.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are active seniors. We recently moved to an independent retirement community an equal distance from our two married daughters. Both are in their late 40s.

Much to our dismay, our older daughter has taken it upon herself to visit us frequently and unannounced at any time of day. She conveniently drops by when we're about to depart for the dining room. We end up having to invite her and being charged for her meal.

We have hinted to her about this; she dismisses it as if we were joking. We would like to get to know our new neighbors and join in the community's activities, not "social-sit" for our daughter. Any ideas? -- SENIORS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SENIORS: Your daughter may mean well, but if you don't nip this in the bud, you could be baby-sitting your oldest daughter until the day you die.

Stop dropping hints and tell her in plain English that you would prefer that she call before coming over to be sure it is convenient for you. If she tries to laugh it off, explain that you need time to adjust to your new surroundings and get to know your neighbors. And if she ignores your request and stops by at mealtime again, politely excuse yourselves and ask her to call next time, because you have made other plans.

DEAR ABBY: We are invited to a friend's 35th wedding anniversary party where the couple are renewing their marriage vows. The affair will be held at an upscale hotel and will be a black-tie party.

What do you think would be an appropriate gift for the occasion? Fortunately, finances are not an issue.

Please do not reveal my name or location -- my friend is a fan of yours. -- NO NAME, PLEASE

DEAR NO NAME: How about offering a "gift" in the form of a generous donation to their favorite charity?

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to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I baby-sit during the day for a family with three children -- a 9-year-old girl who's in school the majority of the time, a 4-year-old boy who plays well on his own, and a 5-month-old baby girl who requires a lot of attention.

I think of myself as good at my job. I do not tolerate talking back, whining, kicking, hitting or screaming, or time-outs will occur without hesitation. Needless to say, the kids are well-behaved with me.

When the parents come home, however, that's another story. As I am leaving, I see the children start acting badly and even kick and hit their parents! My concern is that their parents are not doing anything about this behavior. It pains me because these poor children are allowed to act out.

They are great kids, but need a little discipline after I leave the house at the end of the day. I am extremely shy, and it would be hard to confront the parents to show more discipline. Can you help me? -- CATHY IN CLEVELAND

DEAR CATHY: It would not be "confronting" the parents to have a private chat with them and explain that their children don't kick and hit you, nor do they talk back or scream -- and the reason is the penalty will be an immediate time-out. Those parents could use the lesson, and you would be helping the family to speak up. Your shyness will lessen when you concentrate on the importance of your message instead of yourself.

DEAR ABBY: There was an accident right behind my house. Many of my friends saw it unfold in front of them. Nobody was killed or seriously injured in the accident. All my friends did the following day was act like it had been a horribly traumatizing experience.

Yet when I was 11 years old, I watched a family friend die only a few feet away from me. I told my friends that my experience was obviously more traumatizing. I explained it like this: They watched four people they didn't know get into an accident because the driver was high on marijuana. I saw someone actually die.

They insist it's all the same thing. I say they're blowing it out of proportion, and they're calling me insensitive. Are they right? -- KYLE IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR KYLE: Perhaps. One man's trauma can be business as usual to someone else. Assuming your friends had never witnessed an accident, their experience probably was upsetting. What you witnessed was undeniably traumatic.

However, it is not necessary to be right all the time. Rather than alienate your friends because you need to be right, let them heal from their "trauma" and drop the subject.

DEAR ABBY: Can you answer a question about cell phone etiquette? If I'm in a store, and someone near me is having what I would consider a personal conversation, should I leave that aisle, or should the other person move to a location where he or she cannot be overheard to have that conversation? -- JOHNNY IN GASSVILLE, ARK.

DEAR JOHNNY: It is amazing how many people using cell phones in public have selective amnesia and forget that they can be overheard. You should not have to move away to avoid hearing what is being discussed. Common sense dictates that it is the responsibility of anyone using a cell phone to safeguard the information being shared.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: When I heard that my 83-year-old mother was on life support, I caught the first plane to California to be with her. I am listed as the executor of her estate, and last year she had told me where I would find all the necessary papers I would need when the "time comes." Upon my arrival at the hospital, the doctor told my sister and me that Mama had a very slim chance of survival.

When I left the hospital to spend the night at Mama's house, I located the papers, figuring I'd need them after her impending death. I opened the box and found a handwritten letter on top of the stack of papers. It had been written by Mama exactly two months before. It was her last wishes for her funeral.

Unknown to anyone, she had changed her mind and decided she wanted no memorial at a church, only a graveside service. Shocked to read her last wishes, I felt it would be better to inform the family before she died rather than wait until we'd be even more distraught.

Well, the doctor was wrong. Mama survived a heart valve replacement and is doing well. My sister feels I was wrong to share that information while Mama was still alive. Should I have waited? -- SECOND-GUESSED IN OHIO

DEAR SECOND-GUESSED: Your sister is entitled to her opinion, but in mine you did the right thing -- and for the reason you stated. I'm pleased your mother survived the procedure and is doing well. Now everyone can discuss her last wishes with her, and if there are any bones to be picked, they can pick them with her.

DEAR ABBY: I just got out of college and have a part-time job in my field. The hours are horrible, but my job has been pretty easy and laid-back, so I had no problems.

Well, my job just got "upgraded," which means more responsibilities but no pay raise, and I am now being assigned more tasks than I can handle that early in the morning. I keep nodding off because no matter how much sleep I get, I just can't function that early.

There are other shifts that are open later in the day, and I have been thinking about asking my boss if he could put me on those, but my parents say it would be a huge mistake, and it will get me fired.

I want to keep my job, but I am just not a morning person (for the record, I tried doing the extra-caffeine thing for a while, and it literally made me sick and bedridden for two days). Any advice? -- TOO TIRED IN PARKVILLE, MO.

DEAR TOO TIRED: When it comes to biorhythms, not everyone is created alike. Some people are "larks" who spring out of bed fully alert in the morning, and that's the part of the day they are at their best. Others are "robins" who function best during the afternoon and evening. The rest are "owls." A lot of people in the entertainment business and those who work swing shifts fall into this latter category.

Because you are obviously not a lark, it seems you have two choices. The first is to approach your boss and explain that you could do a far more efficient and effective job if you were assigned to a later shift. The alternative would be to change jobs or find another field of endeavor entirely.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)