DEAR ABBY: It has been 18 years since my first wife died of cancer. She was only 49. We were a typical hard-working couple, having raised our three children to adulthood. My message is to husbands who are too busy -- or forgetful -- to say "I love you" to their wives.

During the fourth of our five-year fight with cancer, I was holding my wife in my arms trying to comfort her as I did every day. She looked up at me and whispered, "I guess you do love me after all." Her statement has haunted me ever since.

At age 26, I resigned my appointment as a U.S. Treasury agent, Federal Bureau of Narcotics, to return to our hometown in order to save our marriage. I also turned down offers in Australia and Alaska for the sake of our marriage. But somehow I neglected to say "I love you" to my wife, as I now realize I should have.

I have been happily married to a widow for the last 16 years, and I try not to let a day pass without putting my arms around her and saying, "I love you." So, husbands and fathers out there, take the time to express the obvious. The results can be truly rewarding. -- ROBERT IN FRESNO, CALIF.

DEAR ROBERT: Twenty-20 hindsight can be painfully accurate. I'm printing your letter so that others will not experience the same regret you do. It takes only a moment to say "I love you." Your message applies equally to husbands, wives, parents and children.

DEAR ABBY: I've enjoyed reading your letters from readers about acts of kindness, and I have my own to share:

My parents and I were towing a trailer along the East Coast. One evening just after dark, we arrived at a trailer park in Maine. On the way to our space, our trailer got stuck in a huge mud puddle. The more we tried to get it out, the deeper it sank into the muck.

Suddenly out of nowhere, a gang of men -- at least 10; it looked like an army -- came running up. One of them asked, "Are you having trouble?" We nodded frantically, and all of them got behind the trailer and freed it with one mighty push.

We were relieved, but there was still a problem. My father had been looking forward to a Maine lobster dinner for weeks. Now he feared that by the time we unhooked our truck and drove into town, all the seafood restaurants would be closed. One of our heroes heard Dad and handed him a set of keys. "Take my car," he said, and then he gave us directions to the best lobster place in town.

We had a fabulous feast that night. But what really impressed us was the spontaneous kindness of the folks at that trailer park in Ogunquit, Maine. Ever since, we have marveled at how quickly and generously they came to our rescue. It was the most memorable part of a great trip. --STILL SMILING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR STILL SMILING: Well said. It isn't so much where you go, but the people you meet that make a vacation special.

DEAR ABBY: I recently learned that the man I've known as "Dad" for 38 years is not my natural father. I now have the name and address of my biological father and would like to contact him for family medical information. Would a letter to him requesting that information be out of line? -- WANTS TO KNOW

DEAR WANTS: It is not out of line to request important medical information that might affect you and your family. Contact your father discreetly, because he may have family that doesn't know about you. A word of caution, however: Don't set yourself up for disappointment if he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with you.

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DEAR ABBY: Twenty years ago, my sister and I bought a business from our mother. We all love and respect one another and get along well. We will be finished paying off the business in two years.

Our problem: Mom, who is now 77, still draws a salary from us above and beyond the payment for the business. Her workload has lessened greatly, as it should. She could do all of her work in one day and lessen the burden of her salary. However, she says she'd "go crazy" if she retired. We don't want that. She could still come in as often as she wants and do her personal paperwork, banking, letter-writing, reading, etc. These are all things she does at "work" -- on the clock.

If we try to discuss this, Mom gets hurt and says, "Just let me know when I'm not worth the money." We don't want to do that. We would hope she would see the fairness of this and suggest it herself.

Business expenses are going through the roof, and there are updates we should make, but we can't do it as long as we are paying Mom at the level we are, on top of the money for the buy-out. -- DAUGHTERS DEAREST

DEAR DAUGHTERS: You do, indeed, have a problem. It's one that should be handled with the utmost diplomacy.

Because your mother is an intelligent businesswoman, she must be a part of this decision. Schedule a business meeting between the three of you and put the budget on the table for discussion -- along with the updates that need to be made. Ideally, she will recognize the dilemma and suggest the cutback herself.

If your mother fails to reduce her salary for the good of the company, begin "planting seeds" about how nice it would be to have time to devote to charity and how much she has to offer volunteerism. (It's the truth.) Research volunteer opportunities in your area, and perhaps even talk to some volunteer organizations about recruiting your mother. When she realizes how interesting and fulfilling these activities can be, encourage her to reduce her hours at work to enable her to contribute to the community. Good luck.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law is coming soon for her annual two-week visit, and my nightmares about it have already begun. She is 78 years young, sweet and nonjudgmental. The problem is, she talks nonstop about people we have never met.

When we introduce her to friends, she continues story after story about people who are of interest only to her. She knows what she's doing because she'll say, "Poor thing -- I've gabbed your ear off," but she keeps talking.

My mother-in-law lives alone. So do a lot of people, including my own mother, but no one talks as incessantly as she does. She's monopolized conversations for years, so it can't be her age.

My husband says I should just walk away, but his mother is easily offended, and I don't want to be rude. When I go to the market or wherever, she wants to accompany me, so there is never any respite! I tell myself it's only two weeks a year, but a day with her feels like an eternity. Why does she do this, and what can I do? Help! -- TALKED TO DEATH IN EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR TALKED TO DEATH: Compulsive talking can be a nervous habit, a sign of insecurity or an attempt to control. In your mother-in-law's case, it could also be because for two weeks a year, she has someone to talk to. You're right about one thing: At this late date, she's not going to change.

Because her visits are so stressful, ask your doctor for advice on how to alleviate the stress.

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DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away a little over a year ago, after being married to my father for 30 years. Recently, Dad has found a girlfriend -- or rather, she found him. I'll call this woman Alexis.

Alexis has taken it upon herself to come into his home, take down the wallpaper, paint the walls a different color, and throw away a lot of his "junk" -- which is what she called most of my mother's things! She has also reorganized the kitchen and rearranged the furniture, books -- everything.

One room in Dad's house was set up just for my children. Alexis removed all their toys, put them in an upstairs closet, and replaced them with a display case filled with fragile china figurines. She has also instructed her granddaughter to call my father "Grandpa."

Alexis prepared a holiday dinner at Dad's house and sat her own family at the main table. I was relegated to a card table in the other room. She also invited her daughter, parents and sisters to my father's house for a birthday party that Dad didn't even want -- and made him foot the bill! She never offers to pay for anything. I think Alexis thinks she's found herself a "meal ticket."

How do I let her know that what she's doing is extremely rude without being rude myself? -- DISPLACED DAUGHTER

DEAR DAUGHTER: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your mother. If you believe your father is of sound mind and not being intimidated by his girlfriend, then you must respect his wish to have her around. Alexis may be tactless, and you may not approve of her, but it is up to him to tell her when she has gone too far -- not you.

DEAR ABBY: The wedding season is approaching, and on behalf of all professional photographers, I'm writing about the rudeness of wedding guests who bring their own cameras to the wedding ceremony. They behave as if they're at a tourist attraction.

Professional photographers honor church rules, and often the wishes of the wedding party, by not "blinding" the bride, the groom or the clergy by taking flash photos during the ceremony.

After the ceremony, when we're trying to set up formal group pictures, these same guests jump in front of us like paparazzi! I've even seen mothers of the bride whip out a camera. Why do people hire a professional photographer and then allow this to happen?

Abby, please inform these people how rude they are. The bride and groom have hired us to capture their wedding on film. If the wedding guests want pictures, they can order them through the bride. Guests do not bring extra flowers or an extra cake to supplement the efforts of the florist and caterer, so why do they do this to the photographer? Our job must be done in a timely manner, and the kind of interference I have described prevents us from doing our best work in the least amount of time. -- MIFFED PRO IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR MIFFED: I'm printing your message, but it's not going to be popular. I agree that taking flash pictures during a church service is considered rude, and it can detract from the solemnity of the ceremony.

However, most couples appreciate both the formal photographs and the amateur snapshots. Candid shots caught by amateurs often reflect the personalities of the wedding party and guests better than the formal, posed portraits taken by professionals because the subjects are more relaxed.

P.S. Some photographers avoid the problems you're encountering by taking their formal portraits before the ceremony. If this doesn't work for you, consider bringing an assistant along to help with "crowd control."

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)