DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away a little over a year ago, after being married to my father for 30 years. Recently, Dad has found a girlfriend -- or rather, she found him. I'll call this woman Alexis.

Alexis has taken it upon herself to come into his home, take down the wallpaper, paint the walls a different color, and throw away a lot of his "junk" -- which is what she called most of my mother's things! She has also reorganized the kitchen and rearranged the furniture, books -- everything.

One room in Dad's house was set up just for my children. Alexis removed all their toys, put them in an upstairs closet, and replaced them with a display case filled with fragile china figurines. She has also instructed her granddaughter to call my father "Grandpa."

Alexis prepared a holiday dinner at Dad's house and sat her own family at the main table. I was relegated to a card table in the other room. She also invited her daughter, parents and sisters to my father's house for a birthday party that Dad didn't even want -- and made him foot the bill! She never offers to pay for anything. I think Alexis thinks she's found herself a "meal ticket."

How do I let her know that what she's doing is extremely rude without being rude myself? -- DISPLACED DAUGHTER

DEAR DAUGHTER: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your mother. If you believe your father is of sound mind and not being intimidated by his girlfriend, then you must respect his wish to have her around. Alexis may be tactless, and you may not approve of her, but it is up to him to tell her when she has gone too far -- not you.

DEAR ABBY: The wedding season is approaching, and on behalf of all professional photographers, I'm writing about the rudeness of wedding guests who bring their own cameras to the wedding ceremony. They behave as if they're at a tourist attraction.

Professional photographers honor church rules, and often the wishes of the wedding party, by not "blinding" the bride, the groom or the clergy by taking flash photos during the ceremony.

After the ceremony, when we're trying to set up formal group pictures, these same guests jump in front of us like paparazzi! I've even seen mothers of the bride whip out a camera. Why do people hire a professional photographer and then allow this to happen?

Abby, please inform these people how rude they are. The bride and groom have hired us to capture their wedding on film. If the wedding guests want pictures, they can order them through the bride. Guests do not bring extra flowers or an extra cake to supplement the efforts of the florist and caterer, so why do they do this to the photographer? Our job must be done in a timely manner, and the kind of interference I have described prevents us from doing our best work in the least amount of time. -- MIFFED PRO IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR MIFFED: I'm printing your message, but it's not going to be popular. I agree that taking flash pictures during a church service is considered rude, and it can detract from the solemnity of the ceremony.

However, most couples appreciate both the formal photographs and the amateur snapshots. Candid shots caught by amateurs often reflect the personalities of the wedding party and guests better than the formal, posed portraits taken by professionals because the subjects are more relaxed.

P.S. Some photographers avoid the problems you're encountering by taking their formal portraits before the ceremony. If this doesn't work for you, consider bringing an assistant along to help with "crowd control."

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Proud Mama of Two Different Boys" (Feb. 23) should know she is not alone. Your response was right on, too. People will argue what they want, and sometimes it's easier to nod, "agree" and walk away.

When my twins were newborn, I would have them in their double stroller to run errands. People would stop me, look at them and then say, "Oh, twins -- how cute! They're identical, right? They just look identical!"

I would look them straight in the eye, smile and say, "Oh no, not identical. He is a boy, and she is a girl." Now, Abby, if the pink/blue clothing did not tip anyone off about their different genders, then paying attention might have. My son had black hair, dark brown eyes and creamy olive skin. My daughter was as pale white as possible, with big blue veins noticeable across her nose and forehead, piercing blue eyes, and so bald she hardly had eyelashes! Identical -- absolutely not! -- JESSICA IN NORTH CANTON, OHIO

DEAR JESSICA: When I printed that letter, I had no idea how many parents had had the "identical" experience. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Many people who make these comments are just looking for a way to make conversation as they admire your family. Although I am adopted, many people would say how much alike my mother and I looked. We would simply say "thank you" and share a secret smile. That worked for us! -- JOYCE K. IN LONG BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: I have two sons, and although they don't look alike we get those same comments. Normally I just smile and say, "I sure hope so -- or else I have some explaining to do to my husband!" Then we enjoy a good laugh and that ends the conversation. -- MELISSA P., EDINBURG, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: I have two handsome sons who are now 17 and 19. A lot of people have told me how closely they resemble each other, although I always see them as very different. But there had to be something to it because they were recognized as brothers on sight without being introduced that way. I have learned that people look at my kids with different eyes than my husband or I do. We focus on nuance; they focus on the generalities.

Oddly, a few weeks ago, my youngest was performing in a school play, and as I saw him up on stage, for the first time in 17 years I thought he looked exactly like his brother! -- B&E's PROUD MOM

DEAR ABBY: My sister and I are two years apart and have very different personalities. We were always asked if we were twins when we went out together. (She is now 37 and I'm 35.) Back when she and I were in our 20s, we had some pictures taken together. We had our makeup done similarly and were dressed alike. That was the first time we saw how much alike we looked.

Please remind "Proud Mama" that she "sees" the personalities of her children, not their looks. Our mother was as amazed as we were at how alike we were in those pictures. -- JENNIFER C., EASTPOINTE, MICH.

DEAR ABBY: As the mother of seven children, I always chuckle when people tell me they all look alike. I smile and reply, "Well, we did make them with all the same ingredients."

People are just making conversation. Why put them on the defensive by disagreeing? -- LISA V., CAMILLUS, N.Y.

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DEAR ABBY: I am unsure what to do about a friend who I thought was an honest, law-abiding citizen. She bragged to me that she's committing welfare fraud by not revealing additional income.

Abby, she gets free medicine, Section 8 housing and utility bill help among other things, courtesy of the government. In the meantime, she has bought a new car (paying cash), plastic surgery, etc. I never thought she would do something like this.

Should I report her to the authorities or mind my own business? I am not perfect, but I don't steal or defraud others, and it makes me angry that people who really need these services are denied them while she's on a continuous spending spree. What should I do? -- TICKED OFF IN TOPEKA, KAN.

DEAR TICKED OFF: Unless you want to continue subsidizing "her majesty" the welfare queen's continuous spending spree, pick up the phone and report what she's doing. Yes, there are a lot of people who need help; we pay taxes in part to help them -- but your "friend" isn't one of them. She should be made to pay restitution.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Cameron," is turning 18 next month. After she graduates from high school, she insists that she's going to take a "road trip." She wants to drive from Texas to California. She has a car.

I am terribly upset about this. I worry about her safety. My husband, however, feels it is normal for kids to want to do this and won't back me up to try to influence her not to go.

Am I being overprotective, and if she insists, can she do what she wants now that she's officially an adult? -- WORRIED SICK IN PFLUGERVILLE, TEXAS

DEAR WORRIED SICK: If your daughter not only owns the car, but also pays for her own insurance and gas, and will be self-supporting and living on her own upon her return from her road trip -- then she can do as she wishes with no regard to your concerns. If several of her friends accompanied her, there would be less chance of her getting into a dangerous situation while on the road or in California.

Frankly, your husband's attitude mystifies me. Just because kids want to do this kind of thing doesn't mean their parents should buckle under. If it comes down to it, YOU should accompany her on her adventure. Tell her that after 18 years of raising her, you deserve this bonding experience.

DEAR ABBY: I suffer from food sensitivities. Recently, during an important yearly service at a church my daughter and I have not attended for long, I had some extremely loud and embarrassing gastrointestinal symptoms from having accidentally eaten something cooked in soybean oil at a restaurant.

This disturbance lasted more than 15 minutes, and everyone in our small church could hear it. I am now embarrassed to return to the church, as I don't want to be remembered as the woman whose flatulence wrecked the important church service. Is there any way to save face in this situation? -- IT WAS THE SOYBEANS!

DEAR SOYBEANS: When the flatulence started happening repeatedly, you should have stepped outside until it subsided. It would have spared you some embarrassment and been less of a distraction to your fellow worshippers.

However, because your concern is your fear of being remembered as the woman whose flatulence wrecked the service, you have no choice but to go back to the church and give them something positive to remember you by. Please don't let embarrassment keep you away. I'm sure your clergyperson will back me up on this.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)