DEAR ABBY: I am separated from my husband of three years and have a beautiful 2-year-old son. Initially, I thought I'd retain my married name, but the more I've been thinking about it, what harm would it do if I changed it? Is it really going to be that confusing or upsetting to explain to my son? After all, I will always be "Mom" to him, and nothing will change that.

I would love to take my maiden name back and put my husband and this chapter of my life with him behind me. However, we have a son who will always carry his father's name. Is it selfish of me to consider reverting back to my maiden name? -- MRS. SCORNED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR MRS. SCORNED: Not in my opinion. Thirty years ago, thinking on the subject was different. However, today, with so many women retaining their maiden names after marriage, what you have in mind is not unusual. I say, go for it.

DEAR ABBY: I have a 16-year-old son who got into trouble with the law. He is on probation until September. The problem is, he is still causing trouble and starting fights.

I am afraid of what will happen to his younger brother, who is 10 and has Down syndrome. We live in a new neighborhood, and I don't want our house to get hit by gangs. -- FRANTIC MOM IN SASKATOON

DEAR FRANTIC MOM: If your older son is still causing trouble and starting fights, then he is breaking probation. In order to protect your younger boy -- and yourself -- his probation officer should be notified.

Ideally, your older son should receive some professional counseling to help him deal with his anger issues -- some of which may stem from the fact that his younger brother needs so much of your attention. Please see that he gets help before his behavior escalates to the point where someone is seriously injured.

DEAR ABBY: My 26-year-old son, "Luke," has been engaged for a year and is being married in October. My 24-year-old son, "Elijah," has just announced that he will ask his girlfriend to marry him, and he would like to be married in August.

Would it be improper for him to be married before his brother, who has had his wedding scheduled for quite some time? -- BOYS' MOM IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR MOM: I wouldn't be surprised if Luke and his fiancee viewed it as an attempt to upstage them and resented it. Also, if Elijah and his girlfriend are planning a formal wedding, it might create a problem for relatives who might have to pay for travel and lodging for two weddings two months apart.

I recommend that unless there is a compelling reason for him to be married in August, that Elijah postpone his wedding until the following year.

DEAR ABBY: Is it wrong to have a sugar daddy? I am a 29-year-old woman who wants to go back to school and get a degree. The gentleman making the offer is an older man I met and befriended several years ago.

What if there is no sex involved? What if he is simply a generous benefactor of a cause -- the cause being me and my educational future? -- AMBIVALENT IN BROOKLYN, N.Y.

DEAR AMBIVALENT: If there is no sex involved and he is simply a generous benefactor, then he is not a "sugar daddy." He is your mentor, and you'd be foolish not to accept his generosity.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Garth," and I have been happily married for more than three years and have an infant son. Five years before I began dating Garth, I became friends with a man I'll call Herb. After a few years, we grew very close. Herb and I acted more like a couple than mere friends, escorting each other to parties, carrying on hour-long late-night phone chats before saying goodnight, finding excuses to be close and to touch, and a mutual jealousy of any potential suitors for either of us.

Eventually, I realized I had fallen in love with him, but I didn't tell him for fear of ruining my relationship with my best friend. While I was never certain, I suspected that Herb felt the same way about me. Except for a few occasional kisses and tender moments, however, our relationship remained strictly platonic.

As the years went on, I grew restless. It became apparent that even if Herb did have feelings for me, he would never act on them. It was at this point that Garth entered my life. He was wonderful to me, and I knew it would be unfair to both of us to continue the friendship with Herb, so I consciously let our friendship slip away while I fell in love with Garth.

Today, my life with Garth is happy and fulfilling, and I know that he is the love of my life. Despite this, I still miss the close relationship I had with Herb. While I would never attempt to contact Herb, I feel as if I am emotionally cheating on Garth because Herb crosses my mind several times a day, and I feel the absence of what was my best friend. These constant memories make me feel guilty. How can I find emotional closure from my past relationship? -- NEEDS CLOSURE IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR NEEDS CLOSURE: It will take time and understanding on your part that unfertilized romances such as the one you had with Herb can be hard to shake. Anyone who has had a relationship of the duration and type you have described has similar feelings -- and these feelings can "pop up" when we least expect them. (It's almost like the craving for a cigarette, long after a person has quit smoking.)

My advice is to stop feeling guilty about your feelings. Herb was the center of your life for a long time, and in a way he became "imprinted" in your electrical circuitry. This does not mean you are still in love with him, or that you are betraying your husband because Herb pops into your consciousness. Furthermore, the harder you try to suppress it, the more he will appear.

So please, remind yourself every time that Herb "appears" why the relationship ended. He was not your Prince Charming. He was your learning experience on the way to finding happiness, preparing you for the man you finally married.

DEAR ABBY: What is the appropriate gift to present to your boyfriend's parents upon the first meeting? I am visiting my boyfriend's parents in their home several hours from our own, and was wondering what the polite and appropriate gift would be. I have never met his parents before this visit, and I'm unsure what etiquette calls for. -- CHRISTINE IN CHAPEL HILL, N.C.

DEAR CHRISTINE: Typical gifts for the host and/or hostess include candy, assorted nuts (unless an allergy to them runs in the family) or flowers. And after your visit is over, a prompt, handwritten note, detailing how much you enjoyed meeting them and thanking them for their hospitality, would be the proper gesture of appreciation.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I read your column every day, but this is the first time I have ever written. I'm a 16-year-old girl with a big problem. I dated a guy I'll call "Mickey" for about a month, maybe a little longer. Then we broke up because he said he wasn't over his last girlfriend. I know now it was a lie, since I found out they had never actually broken up -- he just cheated on her with me.

The problem is, we are fairly good friends, and he called me a month ago and we ended up having phone sex. I thought it meant something, and I believed him when he said he'd call me the next day, but he never called. In fact, Abby, he never said another word about it.

Should I act like nothing ever happened, too -- even though it kills me -- or should I break off this friendship? -- EMBARRASSED IN ARKANSAS

DEAR EMBARRASSED: Treat this as a learning experience. "Mickey" is a user who has lied to you at least twice and cheats on his girlfriend. There is no need to break off the friendship because there was no friendship to begin with. If you're smart, you'll steer clear of him in the future, because boys who behave like this bring nothing but pain.

DEAR ABBY: I have a big problem. My husband has anger management issues. He takes pills, but they make him insane. He has been fired from three different jobs and takes out his anger on our kids. He hits them frequently, and when I catch him, I make him stop -- but when I'm not around, he just hits them again. No matter what I do, he won't stop.

I work, but if my husband doesn't find a job and keep it, we won't have enough money for the house payment or our living expenses. I have no clue what to do. Please help me. I am in such crisis! -- TORN APART IN TEXAS

DEAR TORN APART: I don't know who is prescribing those pills for your husband, but if it's a doctor -- and not some street pusher -- the doctor should be notified immediately about what's going on. Your husband needs to be examined from the neck in both directions, because he could wind up seriously injuring or killing one or more of your children.

I seriously doubt if he will be capable of getting and holding a job in time to save your home. So I'm advising you to contact any family you have, and see if you and your children can find temporary refuge with them. If that's not feasible, then call the National Domestic Violence Hotline toll-free at (800) 799-7233. A counselor there can advise you. Please don't wait to make that call.

DEAR ABBY: Is it socially correct to have a housewarming party for someone who has lived in the home for more than 10 years? The party is scheduled to be held at a restaurant.

The idea for this party was the "honoree's" mother's because her daughter has never been married or had a child, and her mother thinks that the people she has given gifts to all these years owe her something back. I have never heard of such a party, but others think it's a great idea. -- CONFUSED IN SPENCERPORT, N.Y.

DEAR CONFUSED: Although unusual, it's not unheard of. This kind of party is sometimes thrown for a "confirmed bachelorette." However, it is not referred to as a housewarming party. It's called a "happily single" shower, and the happy single registers at stores the same way a bride-to-be or expectant mother does.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)