DEAR ABBY: One of my sons, "Clayton," is in his early 20s -- tall, slim, handsome and intelligent. He dated a girl in high school, "Julie," who was the love of his life. They broke up and got back together several times, until she finally moved on and married a nice young man.

Clayton graduated from college and has a well-paying job. The problem is, all he does is go to work and stay in his room watching TV (yes, he's still at home with my wife and me) until it's time to go back to work. Rarely does he even eat dinner with us.

He does go to church on Sunday mornings, but speaks to no one, even though people try to talk to him. Several people his age, male and female, have approached him trying to strike up a conversation, but he is rude to them and won't even say hello.

He refuses to go to restaurants with us because he "might see someone" he knows. He says that Julie was the only girl for him, and if it's not Julie then he isn't interested in anyone -- ever.

Any suggestions? We don't necessarily want him to date if he doesn't want to, just to have some friends, male or female, and get a life. -- DISTURBED DAD IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR DISTURBED DAD: I do have one. Your son needs some professional counseling in order to get on with his life. The behavior you have described is not normal. Clayton could be chronically depressed or even mentally ill. Please don't let the status quo continue any longer. See that he gets the help he needs.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single, 32-year-old woman with an older sister who has 12 grandchildren from her three kids. No matter how hard I try to be fair to all the kids, their parents and grandmother get angry at me for splitting the children into groups and not taking them all together all the time.

I try to split up the outings into age-appropriate activities, but that apparently isn't good enough. They insist that I am not being entirely fair to the group.

Abby, I admit I sometimes ask the older children, particularly the three soon-to-be-teenage girls, over for slumber parties a little more often than I do the others -- but that's because they are growing too old to want to spend time with their aunt, and I want to take advantage of whatever precious time I have left with them. The little ones will have their turn as pre-teens, too.

Is there something wrong with splitting them up into smaller groups so I can spend quality time with each instead of simply baby sitting or playing referee? Am I asking too much to expect the parents of the younger children (ages 7 and under) to explain to them that they are just too little to go some places, with the promise of an outing just for them later?

If you think I'm being unfair, I'll have to stop all the slumber parties because I just can't handle all the kids all the time. But if you agree with me, how do I get their parents to chill out? -- FRUSTRATED AUNT IN INDIANA

DEAR FRUSTRATED AUNT: There's an old saying, "There are none so blind as those who will not see." In other words, you can't force people to accept something they would rather ignore. You don't need to be sorry for your "shortcomings," which seem perfectly reasonable to me. Entertain the number of kids you are comfortable with, and stop apologizing. From where I'm sitting, you are a loving and attentive aunt, and the children are lucky to have you in their lives.

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DEAR ABBY: I have a friend I'll call Jessica who has a major drinking problem. She is aware of it and asked me to help her because she's too embarrassed to get help from strangers. I am trying hard to help her without acting like a parent, but it's not easy.

Jessica says she doesn't need to stop drinking entirely, just limit herself to no more than two drinks. This makes sense to me.

Two weeks ago, Jessica came to my house with a bottle of vodka. She had two drinks that I found out later were double-shots. Before long, she began acting very drunk, and I told her she was cut off. She seemed fine with it, but an hour or so later, I heard her in the kitchen and caught her drinking straight from the bottle. I became very frustrated and poured it all down the sink. When Jessica realized what I was doing, she began sobbing and got very angry. She stayed that way for the next two hours until she finally passed out.

The next morning, when I told her what she did, she was amazed and apologized, and said I did the right thing. But a few days later, Jessica partied with some other friends and got so drunk she fell and hurt her wrist.

Please help me, Abby. I don't know what to do and neither does Jessica's family. She will die from this if she doesn't get help. She's only 21, and her whole life is ahead of her. -- WORRIED SICK IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR WORRIED SICK: You need more help than anyone can give you in a letter -- and so does Jessica and her family. The fact that she is in your kitchen chugging vodka straight from the bottle speaks volumes. She's an alcoholic in denial.

Please urge Jessica's family to start learning all they can about the disease of alcoholism -- because it IS a disease. An excellent place for them -- and you, by the way -- would be the Al-Anon Family Groups. They are a 12-step fellowship of men, women and children whose lives have been affected by the compulsive drinking of a family member or friend. They provide literature in 30 languages and have support groups almost everywhere. The toll-free phone number is (888) 4-ALANON, and the Web site is � HYPERLINK "http://www.al-anon.alateen.org" ��www.al-anon.alateen.org�.

Once the family understands more about Jessica's problem, they may want to stage an intervention to divert her from her self-destructive path. Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) could do her a world of good. Part of the process of healing is admitting to strangers that she has a problem she can't handle by herself. The members will understand that fact because they all share the same problem.

AA members are men and women who have found a solution to their drinking problem. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. It's supported by voluntary contributions made by its members and groups. And if Jessica is afraid that if she admits that she's an alcoholic the word will be spread, her fear is groundless. Members observe personal anonymity at the public level, preferring to emphasize principles rather than personalities.

To find an AA meeting, look in a local phone directory or newspaper, or visit its Web site: � HYPERLINK "http://www.aa.org" ��www.aa.org�.

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DEAR ABBY: My son, "Caleb," has a serious bullying problem. He is 14 and in ninth grade. His teacher has had to meet privately with me three times this week. Caleb will hit, bite, chew, spit on or slap the other students in the classroom. He has even hit his teacher.

At home, Caleb hits me and bites my arm. He also picks up things and throws them at people. I don't know if I should try to deal with him myself or send him to a psychiatrist. I am worried that my son is becoming a serious problem, and I want to make sure that it doesn't ever go too far. Please help me. -- CAN'T COPE, RICHARDSON, TEXAS

DEAR CAN'T COPE: It has already gone too far. Your son has a serious problem. By age 14, he should have long ago learned how to control his raging temper. Caleb should absolutely be evaluated by a mental health professional. And if he assaults you, another child or a teacher again, the police should be notified because the young man is a serious danger to others.

DEAR ABBY: Please encourage the families of soldiers returning from the war to be patient and not pressure the soldier upon his/her return by insisting he or she visit relatives, or attend this or that function in their honor.

A relative of mine just returned from the Middle East and regrets each and every time he has visited home because his parents won't let him rest and be quiet. He is now considering no longer coming home on leave.

All he wants is time to adjust and regain some peace of mind. He often hides out at my house, where there are no pressures, just relaxation and a quiet atmosphere because I place no demands on him. This has been very stressful for my soldier relative -- to the point that he has broken down in tears in my presence more than once.

Should I say something to the parents when and if their relative stops coming home altogether? I'm not that close to them, but the relative and I have always been close. -- CARING RELATIVE, CHATTANOOGA, TENN.

DEAR CARING RELATIVE: Ideally, the person who should speak to these proud parents is their son. If he can't find the courage to inform them that he's not up to public appearances, then you should do it -- now.

And thank you for giving me the chance to point out that upon return from a war zone, our fighting men and women need private time to rest, decompress, and slowly readjust to a lifestyle in which they are not constantly under the threat of danger, where every stranger they encounter is not a potential suicide bomber or terrorist, where the sound of a balloon popping is not a signal to hit the dirt, and they can sleep through the night in a place they are certain won't be a target. (There is no guarantee they won't wake up in the middle of the night still feeling the terrors of the war zone, anyway.)

The pressures to which our service members are subjected in a war zone can leave them with post-traumatic stress problems that take time, and often therapy, to overcome. It's important that families understand and appreciate this, and not overschedule their service member regardless of how well-intentioned the social schedule may be.

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