DEAR ABBY: I am a middle-aged woman, currently married to a wonderful man I'll call Ron. I was married once before to a man I'll call Hank, with whom I had two daughters. When my daughters were little, I grew restless and had several affairs. I fell in love with one of the men -- Ron.

When Hank discovered my infidelity, he committed suicide. About a year and a half later, Ron and I married.

My eldest daughter is now 15, and she has asked me the reason for her father's suicide. I want my daughter and I to have an honest relationship. Should I tell her? -- UNFAITHFUL IN MICHIGAN

DEAR UNFAITHFUL: People in their right minds do not kill themselves because a spouse is unfaithful. Apparently your former husband had other issues, including depression. I recommend that you tell your daughter that her father committed suicide because he battled depression and lost. From my perspective, it's the truth.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 23-year-old woman who still lives at home with my mother. Daddy died when I was 13. She and I have been extremely close ever since. We have had our disagreements with each other, but all in all, I've been there for her. She has done so much over the years for me.

However, because I am now an adult, I feel it's time for me to move out and get my own place. When I told Mom how I felt, she became furious. She has always pushed in my face that she couldn't wait until I move out. Now that I'm actually doing it, she is threatening that if I go I can't come back -- ever. I can't wash laundry at her house, and I can't come to visit.

My two sisters and my brother moved out, and moved back at one point. They also did their laundry here and slept over when needed. I don't understand why she's acting this way toward me.

Now Mom is screaming and complaining about every little thing to the point that I'm considering seeing a shrink to handle it. Can you help me cope with the stress my mother is handing me? -- STUNNED IN PHILADELPHIA

DEAR STUNNED: You are your mother's baby -- the last fledgling to leave the nest. I'm sure you have been the center of her life for a long time, ever since the death of your father. When you go, your mother will have to do some serious thinking about the way she has lived her life, and the direction she plans to take for the rest of it. She may be threatening you because SHE feels threatened by the fact that you're leaving.

The best advice I can offer is that you tell her how much you love her and how grateful you are to have her in your life, but that in order for you to grow, you have to separate from her for a while.

P.S. Your idea of a "shrink" is an excellent one. I recommend that you AND your mother see a licensed therapist for family counseling to ease the transition.

DEAR ABBY: Every time my husband does the dishes I see red. I was taught to do the glasses first and the silverware next because they touch your mouth. My husband does the plates and bowls first, then the glasses and silverware. What is the proper way to do dishes?

Also, when I vacuum, he always tells me I should dust first, then vacuum. I vacuum, then dust. Should he be doing the housework or should I? -- TERRI IN JOHNSTOWN, PA.

DEAR TERRI: You should be doing the dishes, and he should be doing the dusting and vacuuming. And you both should be saving for an automatic dishwasher.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 15-year-old girl in high school. Two days ago I went to my friend "Kate's" house to work on a school project. After we started working on it, Kate's sister, "Nell" -- who is 9 -- accidentally stepped on the poster board and bent it a little. It was something that was easily fixable, but Kate lost it. She started yelling and verbally abusing Nell.

When Nell tried to leave the room, she tripped over Kate's pencil pouch, which was in her way. With an "I warned you," Kate jumped up and punched her little sister in the stomach -- hard. Nell fell to the floor and started crying, and Kate kicked her until Nell finally crawled out of the room.

Their parents were not home, but were coming back in a few hours. I was shocked by what I saw. Kate seemed perfectly calm and just sat down and started working on our project again.

Should I tell anyone what I saw? I'm not sure if Kate does this all the time, and I'm afraid if I tell on her, she'll accuse me of "betraying" her. She has a lot of influence at school, but I feel I can't just stand there watching Kate beat up her little sister. -- SCARED FOR NELL IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR SCARED FOR NELL: The kind of assault you witnessed is not harmless sibling anger. Your friend has self-control issues that should not be ignored. Sucker-punching someone in the stomach can cause internal damage -- and kicking someone when he or she is down can crack ribs, bruise one's kidneys and liver, and create injuries that need to be evaluated by a physician.

Both of those girls need help -- and the way to see that they get it would be for you to tell your parents what happened so they can have a talk with Kate and Nell's parents.

DEAR ABBY: Six months ago, I learned that it would be best for me to terminate my pregnancy because the baby would not be able to survive once it was born. I could not go along with aborting the baby the way the doctors suggested would be less stressful. Therefore, I decided to induce labor at six months. My baby boy was stillborn.

Even though I knew what the outcome would be, it was painful. During my delivery, my entire family was present -- including a number of my closest friends. While my baby was being prepped to be taken away, everyone held the baby except my sister. It didn't bother me at the time. I figured it was too hard for her to bear.

My sister recently hugged one of her friends' newborn baby boy, and it really bothered me. Am I wrong to be upset with my sister for clinging to that little boy instead of holding my son when he was born? -- GRIEVING MOTHER IN PHILLY

DEAR GRIEVING MOTHER: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your baby. You are still grieving, and you wouldn't be human if you weren't looking for someplace to target your pain, disappointment and anger. But please do not blame your sister. You had it right the first time.

Everyone grieves in his or her own way, and it may, indeed, have been too wrenching for your sister to hold your baby before he was taken away. That she hugged her friend's newborn has no bearing on how she felt about your little angel.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: My son, "Marshall," is in an abusive marriage. This week, while his military unit was training in another state, his wife had his cell phone turned off. Then she took a cash advance (over the credit limit) against the card Marshall uses while away from home, and canceled his ATM card so he would not have access to money. She did all this because she was angry with him.

Marshall had to leave his training early and fly home to straighten out the mess. Abby, she has locked him out of the house and made up allegations of physical abuse and reported them to his command. I have never met anyone so vindictive. This has happened repeatedly during their nine-year marriage.

They have two young sons. Marshall is miserable, yet he is hesitant to free himself from her control. He keeps saying she'll just do something worse. Even with her history, he doesn't see it as abuse.

Have you a list of abusive characteristics in women you could print? Maybe if Marshall sees it, he'll recognize it for what it is. I'm afraid he'll eventually lose his job -- or his life. -- WORRIED SICK IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR WORRIED SICK: It's been a while since I printed the warning signs of an abuser. Although they were originally intended to describe a male abuser, many of them apply to both sexes:

1. PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." Pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

2. JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly. Prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

3. CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you are late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

5. ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who support you of "causing trouble." May deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

7. MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: Says, "You make me angry," instead of, "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just part of life.

9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. May expect children to do things far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or teases them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

11. VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.

12. RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.

13. SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

14. PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.

15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck" or "I'll kill you, " then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way" or "I didn't really mean it."

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)