DEAR ABBY: I'm a 15-year-old girl in high school. Two days ago I went to my friend "Kate's" house to work on a school project. After we started working on it, Kate's sister, "Nell" -- who is 9 -- accidentally stepped on the poster board and bent it a little. It was something that was easily fixable, but Kate lost it. She started yelling and verbally abusing Nell.

When Nell tried to leave the room, she tripped over Kate's pencil pouch, which was in her way. With an "I warned you," Kate jumped up and punched her little sister in the stomach -- hard. Nell fell to the floor and started crying, and Kate kicked her until Nell finally crawled out of the room.

Their parents were not home, but were coming back in a few hours. I was shocked by what I saw. Kate seemed perfectly calm and just sat down and started working on our project again.

Should I tell anyone what I saw? I'm not sure if Kate does this all the time, and I'm afraid if I tell on her, she'll accuse me of "betraying" her. She has a lot of influence at school, but I feel I can't just stand there watching Kate beat up her little sister. -- SCARED FOR NELL IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR SCARED FOR NELL: The kind of assault you witnessed is not harmless sibling anger. Your friend has self-control issues that should not be ignored. Sucker-punching someone in the stomach can cause internal damage -- and kicking someone when he or she is down can crack ribs, bruise one's kidneys and liver, and create injuries that need to be evaluated by a physician.

Both of those girls need help -- and the way to see that they get it would be for you to tell your parents what happened so they can have a talk with Kate and Nell's parents.

DEAR ABBY: Six months ago, I learned that it would be best for me to terminate my pregnancy because the baby would not be able to survive once it was born. I could not go along with aborting the baby the way the doctors suggested would be less stressful. Therefore, I decided to induce labor at six months. My baby boy was stillborn.

Even though I knew what the outcome would be, it was painful. During my delivery, my entire family was present -- including a number of my closest friends. While my baby was being prepped to be taken away, everyone held the baby except my sister. It didn't bother me at the time. I figured it was too hard for her to bear.

My sister recently hugged one of her friends' newborn baby boy, and it really bothered me. Am I wrong to be upset with my sister for clinging to that little boy instead of holding my son when he was born? -- GRIEVING MOTHER IN PHILLY

DEAR GRIEVING MOTHER: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your baby. You are still grieving, and you wouldn't be human if you weren't looking for someplace to target your pain, disappointment and anger. But please do not blame your sister. You had it right the first time.

Everyone grieves in his or her own way, and it may, indeed, have been too wrenching for your sister to hold your baby before he was taken away. That she hugged her friend's newborn has no bearing on how she felt about your little angel.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

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DEAR ABBY: My son, "Marshall," is in an abusive marriage. This week, while his military unit was training in another state, his wife had his cell phone turned off. Then she took a cash advance (over the credit limit) against the card Marshall uses while away from home, and canceled his ATM card so he would not have access to money. She did all this because she was angry with him.

Marshall had to leave his training early and fly home to straighten out the mess. Abby, she has locked him out of the house and made up allegations of physical abuse and reported them to his command. I have never met anyone so vindictive. This has happened repeatedly during their nine-year marriage.

They have two young sons. Marshall is miserable, yet he is hesitant to free himself from her control. He keeps saying she'll just do something worse. Even with her history, he doesn't see it as abuse.

Have you a list of abusive characteristics in women you could print? Maybe if Marshall sees it, he'll recognize it for what it is. I'm afraid he'll eventually lose his job -- or his life. -- WORRIED SICK IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR WORRIED SICK: It's been a while since I printed the warning signs of an abuser. Although they were originally intended to describe a male abuser, many of them apply to both sexes:

1. PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." Pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

2. JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly. Prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

3. CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you are late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

5. ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who support you of "causing trouble." May deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

7. MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: Says, "You make me angry," instead of, "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just part of life.

9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. May expect children to do things far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or teases them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

11. VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.

12. RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.

13. SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

14. PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.

15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck" or "I'll kill you, " then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way" or "I didn't really mean it."

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Within the last two months, my dear 75-year-old friend, "Margery," lost her 51-year-old daughter and her 29-year-old granddaughter to cancer. (They were mother and daughter.)

At the funeral home there was a table at the entrance to the viewing room with a printed card asking for your name, address and phone number if you wanted to receive an obituary and memorial card encased in plastic. (I did.)

Two days after the funeral, I received a call from the funeral home asking me what my thoughts were about the funeral. I told the man I had been to many funerals in my life, but had never been called and asked my thoughts about any of them. However, since he was asking, I told him I had been upset to hear from Margery that he tried to charge her $1,000 more for her granddaughter's wake then he did for the daughter's identical wake.

And then, this insensitive jerk proceeded to ask me if I had any thoughts about making "prearrangements" for my OWN demise and funeral! Abby, I couldn't believe my ears! A funeral home trolling for business from grieving friends and relatives of the deceased mother and daughter two days after the granddaughter's funeral? And to use the signed book (to receive memorials) for names, addresses and phone numbers to "promote business" is, in my eyes, unconscionable! Your thoughts, please. -- DORIS L. IN FLORIDA

DEAR DORIS: Just when I think I have seen it all, a letter like yours lands on my desk. Whether the person who called you was the funeral director or a salesman, that person is his own worst enemy. Margery should consider herself fortunate that he didn't approach any mourners who appeared to be under the weather and try to sign them up then and there.

People with such little sensitivity for the feelings of others should not be in a people-oriented profession. If that man's employer reads this, I strongly recommend that he be relegated to the back room, where the individuals he deals with are far beyond the cares and concerns of this world.

Readers, in case you're under the impression that most people are this insensitive and cynical, read on for a change of pace:

DEAR ABBY: Please print my letter about an act of kindness. I was having a rough day at school. I had left some medication at home, but only had enough bus fare for one way. So I borrowed money from a friend and went home at lunch. The heat was terrible, but I still had to walk back to school.

After I returned to school, I fainted in my fourth period class. My teacher said I could go home.

The bus came right away. The driver told me to get on and look for my money afterward. Well, I couldn't find it. It must have fallen from my pocket when I fainted. I told the driver why I didn't have the fare and even offered him two fares for the next day.

He didn't believe me. I was so upset I started to cry while I was getting off the bus. Then I heard a woman say, "Wait!" She took out her wallet and looked for change. She didn't have any, so she offered the driver a $20 bill. The driver couldn't accept the money, but I thought it was so kind of her to offer to pay the bus fare for a total stranger.

I was just about off the bus when another woman offered me a bus ticket. I don't know how to express how grateful I was to those two women.

So if you are one of the women who took the Route 43 bus and helped me out that day, please know I will always remember the kindness you showed me. You are the two nicest people ever -- and I don't even know your names. -- THANKFUL FOR THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS, ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR THANKFUL: Thank you for an upper of a letter, which proves that angels don't always fly -- sometimes they ride the bus just like the rest of us.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)