DEAR ABBY: I just went through a horrible experience -- a drug intervention with my sister, who is now in rehab. When I returned from the rehab center the other day, my precious niece handed me a letter to give to her mother.

If anyone reading this is "dabbling" in drugs, thinking it will only hurt him- or herself, read on:

"Dear Mom, these are questions I need answers to.

"Why are you doing this to us?

"What were you thinking about?

"Will you get the help you need?

"Will you come back?

"When are you going to stop running away?

"Do you know how worried we are?

"P.S. PLEASE come back! We all love you."

That was her letter, verbatim. By the way, my niece is 9. -- DISTRESSED SISTER, FORT PAYNE, ALA.

DEAR SISTER: From the mouths of babes ... I'm sure that most individuals who "dabble" in drugs do so thinking they won't become dependent. However, your niece's letter is a reminder that many people do, and I hope it has the desired effect on your sister. That sad little girl is clearly in pain, and her letter highlights the fact that addiction is never just one person's problem. It affects not only the users, but also everyone who cares about them.

DEAR ABBY: For the entire seven years that I have been married to "Chris," I have been the breadwinner. Chris is to be the stay-at-home parent -- which would be all right if we had kids. Chris has worked only two months since our wedding. He always has one reason or another why he can't look for a job. Instead, he stays at home all day and does a few things around the house. Then he makes it sound like it took him all day and expects praise for it.

If that weren't enough, his parents live with us, and they don't do anything either. Sometimes I want to leave Chris, but then I get scared because he tells me he will make sure I would have to pay him since I have "accustomed him to a lifestyle" where money is involved.

Abby, I have worked extremely hard to educate myself so that I could make the most of every opportunity available to me, and now I'm almost regretting that I made that choice. I have a great job that affords me the lifestyle I want, but I don't want a life where I'm supporting everyone. When I try to talk to Chris about this, he gets angry and ignores me. Please help me. I don't know what to do. -- BEAST OF BURDEN IN CHICAGO

DEAR BEAST OF BURDEN: Of course Chris gets angry when you try to talk to him about the unfairness of the situation. He is living the life of Riley while you support him and his parents -- three able-bodied adults! And when you point out the unfairness of the situation, he threatens you with spousal support in perpetuity? Outrageous.

The time has come to make an appointment with an attorney and discuss your options. Please do not put it off, because in some states the length of a marriage determines how long spousal support is in effect. In other words, you might have to pay Chris for a while -- but not nearly as long as you fear, nor as long as he would have you believe.

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DEAR READERS: Yesterday I printed a sample of the e-mails I received in response to the letter from "Cleveland Mom" (Feb. 25), whose twins -- both juniors in high school -- had been approached at school by military recruiters "who made the military sound exciting and glamorous." Today I am printing more of them. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have a son, 17, and a 14-year-old daughter. Both have met with military recruiters from almost all the branches at school. At first, I was furious. However, my husband and I decided to meet with each recruiter and discuss the options with our son. He thought we'd oppose his joining and wanted to shut us out.

As a mom, I don't want my child to die in a war -- no parent does. As a citizen who values our soldiers defending our nation, I couldn't be prouder of our servicemen and women.

Our children will do as they choose. At 18, they can enlist. Our choice is whether to be a part of it. Personally, I want to be a part of my son's life, so I will support him in every way possible and pray several times a day. -- SOON-TO-BE MOM OF A SERVICEMAN AND POSSIBLY A SERVICEWOMAN

DEAR MOM: Your idea of meeting with the recruiters who were talking to your children was an excellent one, and an option I -- and I'll bet many of my readers -- did not know was available.

DEAR ABBY: Our country needs dedicated, informed young men and women who know the risks and consequences of their voluntary service.

One option she should mention to her twins is to attend college and participate in the Reserve Officer Training Corps (ROTC). They would incur no obligation for the first two years. This would give them the chance to experience a little of what military duty entails, and make an informed decision whether or not to pursue an active tour of duty. If, at that point, they decide to join the military, completing the ROTC program would put them in line for a commission as an officer.

Having spent 32 years in the Army as both an enlisted man and as an officer, I've served with or led some of the finest young people this country can offer. The best ones were always those who had the facts before deciding to join.

P.S. Please remind "Cleveland Mom" that the decision to go to war is made not by the military, but by her elected representatives. -- COL., U.S. ARMY (RET.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a former Army recruiter. I understand the fear that "Cleveland Mom" and her husband are facing. I faced it myself as I enlisted young men and women knowing that the answer to, "Am I going to Iraq?" was, in many cases, "Yes." Regardless, our Army is necessary and does not serve solely for the conflict in Iraq. Our military is equipped, trained and ready to serve not only in combat, but in humanitarian support as well.

My recommendation to your readers is not to discourage youth who wish to serve. Rather, assist them in asking smart, pointed questions when they visit their recruiter. A good recruiter will answer honestly and to the best of his or her ability. It is also common for a family member to request to accompany their recruit as he or she chooses a job at the Military Entrance Processing Station.

Some things to bear in mind: Every service is different in its job assignments and contract length. Jobs are based on the Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery score, physical ability, moral background and availability. Everyone signs up for eight years of Military Service Obligation (generally two to four years active service, with the remainder as an inactive reservist), and only 15 percent of the population ages 17 to 24 is qualified to serve. -- JEROLD Z., SGT. 1ST CLASS, U.S. ARMY (RET.)

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DEAR ABBY: Regarding the mother of the twins who have a current fascination for the U.S. military ("Cleveland Mom," Feb. 25), I must reply. As a veteran of the U.S. Air Force (1974-84), I am deeply grateful for the opportunities, training and mentoring I received under the great NCOs and officers I served with. Lessons they taught me have directly contributed to the success I enjoy today as a manager in a Fortune 500 company. Their leadership, professionalism and pride in a job well done have been examples I will follow for the rest of my life.

Your advice to visit a VA facility and discuss the sacrifices that may be required by our service members is sound. I would also add asking the recruiters they talk with to arrange meetings with new service members to get a more realistic picture of the day-to-day life in whatever service they're interested in, and to look at each service thoroughly.

The parents' concerns are real. Today's military members are more likely to be deployed to an area of conflict than in times past. I would hope that if the twins do decide to join after all this information is presented, the parents would feel a sense of pride that they have raised two children who want to serve their country in an honorable profession with fantastic people who deserve our praise and total support. -- WES M., GLEN ALLEN, VA.

DEAR WES: I heard from many readers who felt my response to "Cleveland Mom" was somehow disrespectful to people serving in the military, and taking me to task for not advising her that trying to encourage her children to carefully consider the decision was unpatriotic. I would like to go on record as saying that I fully support our troops and our veterans. However, I strongly feel that anyone who signs up for military service should understand all the realities beforehand. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You should know that public high schools are now required to provide contact information for all students to military recruiters. This was a provision of the "No Child Left Behind" act. In my community, parents may opt to have their child's records withheld by filling out a form at the time the student is enrolled in high school.

I do not want anyone from any organization recruiting my minor children without my consent. Stories are rampant about military recruiters giving misleading information and using forceful recruitment efforts. Once my children are of age, they will have the education and maturity to investigate and evaluate the information for themselves. Until then, it's my job to be the watchful parent. -- TROY IN FREEHOLD, N.J.

DEAR ABBY: When I joined the Navy in 1973, I was a college freshman, aimlessly going to school. Vietnam was waning, and it was with my parents' blessing. Today I have a college education (paid for by the VA) and a wonderful family and career made possible, in large degree, by the life education and training I got in the Navy.

Yes, men who served with me were killed and maimed, but our highways and industries do the same thing every day. Abby, your answer wasn't wrong -- just one-sided. I can't imagine my life without eight years in the military. -- MACHINIST'S MATE AND PROUD OF IT

DEAR READERS: Stay tuned, because there will be more on this subject tomorrow.

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