DEAR ABBY: Regarding the mother of the twins who have a current fascination for the U.S. military ("Cleveland Mom," Feb. 25), I must reply. As a veteran of the U.S. Air Force (1974-84), I am deeply grateful for the opportunities, training and mentoring I received under the great NCOs and officers I served with. Lessons they taught me have directly contributed to the success I enjoy today as a manager in a Fortune 500 company. Their leadership, professionalism and pride in a job well done have been examples I will follow for the rest of my life.

Your advice to visit a VA facility and discuss the sacrifices that may be required by our service members is sound. I would also add asking the recruiters they talk with to arrange meetings with new service members to get a more realistic picture of the day-to-day life in whatever service they're interested in, and to look at each service thoroughly.

The parents' concerns are real. Today's military members are more likely to be deployed to an area of conflict than in times past. I would hope that if the twins do decide to join after all this information is presented, the parents would feel a sense of pride that they have raised two children who want to serve their country in an honorable profession with fantastic people who deserve our praise and total support. -- WES M., GLEN ALLEN, VA.

DEAR WES: I heard from many readers who felt my response to "Cleveland Mom" was somehow disrespectful to people serving in the military, and taking me to task for not advising her that trying to encourage her children to carefully consider the decision was unpatriotic. I would like to go on record as saying that I fully support our troops and our veterans. However, I strongly feel that anyone who signs up for military service should understand all the realities beforehand. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You should know that public high schools are now required to provide contact information for all students to military recruiters. This was a provision of the "No Child Left Behind" act. In my community, parents may opt to have their child's records withheld by filling out a form at the time the student is enrolled in high school.

I do not want anyone from any organization recruiting my minor children without my consent. Stories are rampant about military recruiters giving misleading information and using forceful recruitment efforts. Once my children are of age, they will have the education and maturity to investigate and evaluate the information for themselves. Until then, it's my job to be the watchful parent. -- TROY IN FREEHOLD, N.J.

DEAR ABBY: When I joined the Navy in 1973, I was a college freshman, aimlessly going to school. Vietnam was waning, and it was with my parents' blessing. Today I have a college education (paid for by the VA) and a wonderful family and career made possible, in large degree, by the life education and training I got in the Navy.

Yes, men who served with me were killed and maimed, but our highways and industries do the same thing every day. Abby, your answer wasn't wrong -- just one-sided. I can't imagine my life without eight years in the military. -- MACHINIST'S MATE AND PROUD OF IT

DEAR READERS: Stay tuned, because there will be more on this subject tomorrow.

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DEAR ABBY: I have lived with my best friend, "Lance," for five years on and off. Lance is 30; I am 24. Lately we have been discussing marriage. The problem is, he is gay, and the marriage would be for convenience only. I am not in love with Lance, nor is he in love with me. He thinks this would be a good idea because of the financial benefits, tax breaks and the like.

I am a little hesitant because I still want the fairy tale. I want the little house with its white picket fence and kids running around in the yard. We have discussed children, and we know it's possible to have them without having to have sex. What is your opinion? -- UNDECIDED IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR UNDECIDED: I recommend against what you have in mind. You and Lance are still young. Your lives are just beginning, and the chances of you both meeting someone you could fall in love with are great. Rather than "settling" in order to take advantage of tax breaks, you would both be happier in the long run if you stay true to yourselves and live your lives as who you really are -- best friends, but not spouses.

DEAR ABBY: I have always had a difficult relationship with my siblings. I have befriended them and tried to do for them, but they are mean-spirited and selfish. My brother has also physically abused me. (He has been jailed several times for hitting his longtime girlfriend.)

When I turned 40 this year, I finally decided that enough is enough. My psychiatrist, my husband and my friends agree that it's time for me to set boundaries and end these toxic relationships. I feel good about my decision.

The problem is that my parents do not. They feel my two daughters, ages 4 1/2 and 20 months, should have a relationship with their aunt and uncle even if I don't. They accuse me of "brainwashing" my children and insist that my girls be allowed to see my siblings regularly and "make up their own minds" on the subject. I say it is my responsibility to protect my daughters and that my decision should be respected.

Last weekend, when my older daughter was visiting my folks, they invited my brother to visit. They knew this was against my wishes and did it behind my back. Naturally, my daughter told me about it. Moreover, whenever my daughter visits them, they put her on the phone with my siblings and try to forge a relationship between them. Because of all this, I told my folks they may have only supervised visits with my children. Do you think this was going too far? -- KAREN IN ATLANTA

DEAR KAREN: It is unfortunate that it came to that, but no, I do not. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be thrilled to have my children associate with someone who had been jailed for the inability to control his temper -- in addition to having abused me.

Please follow the good advice you have received from your husband, your friends and your psychiatrist. By not dealing with the hostility between siblings when you were children, your parents had a hand in the evolution of the situation that has resulted. Sad as it is to say, not all families are functional. And before you are finished with therapy, you may need more sessions with your psychiatrist to figure out what you need to do about your relationship with your parents.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old high school senior. Last summer I lost my virginity. Since then I have slept with six guys. Do you think my future husband will be seriously upset about it, even though he will probably have been out there more than I have?

I guess I want to know whether you think I have become free-spirited or just promiscuous. -- POSSIBLY PROMISCUOUS IN MURFREESBORO, N.C.

DEAR POSSIBLY: What I think is less important than what YOU think is appropriate behavior. And if you were comfortable with what you have been doing, you wouldn't have written me.

If you continue on this path, you are in for trouble. The first thing that comes to mind is whether or not you know how to protect yourself from an unplanned pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease. If the answer is no, then you need to see a doctor or visit a Planned Parenthood clinic and learn about the real "facts of life." These include being checked for any STD you might have already been exposed to.

In addition, you say that in the last seven or eight months you have slept with six different men. At the rate you're going, in another six months that number could double, and by the time you are 25, the total could be close to 100. That is not what people refer to as "free-spirited." It definitely is what they call promiscuous. So, please take a break from men for a while and think carefully about how casual sex could affect your future.

DEAR ABBY: Three years ago, my husband told me he was no longer in love with me. We hadn't been getting along, and I hadn't been giving him the attention he deserved. When he said he didn't want to come home from work at night, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was the wake-up call I needed.

We have worked things out and managed to stay together, and my husband says he loves me. But I found out that he told a friend at work that he was no longer in love with me before he told me! I'm on an antidepressant, which helps some, but I still feel sad about what he said. I also have a hard time when I see that friend of his. I want to run away and hide. How can I get over the hurt and shame? -- HEART ACHES IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR HEART ACHES: It's possible that in addition to the antidepressant, you could use some counseling. You are viewing this life lesson from a negative perspective. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You and your husband worked out your problems, and you are both winners. So stop feeling like a loser, and call your doctor for a referral.

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