DEAR ABBY: I'm married; he's married. We're in love and have been for eight years. We've tried breaking it off several times over the years, but a force bigger than both of us keeps bringing us back together.

I never believed in soulmates or true love until we met. Our love is deep and unconditional; our roots are intertwined. It's a shame that it happened late in life, but it happened nonetheless.

Neither of us is leaving our spouses or family. We are both in our 50s and sometimes act like we're in our 20s. It's magical!

Is it wrong? Do we go on until something changes? Do we try for the 100th time to break away? An affair, no matter how you slice it, will never be accepted in the eyes of traditional society, so it will be perceived as unacceptable. What's your opinion? -- BEWITCHED, BOTHERED AND BEWILDERED IN NEW YORK

DEAR BB&B: Yes, it's wrong. Yes, you'll probably "go on" until one or both of you gets caught. And yes, you may try to break away -- but somehow I doubt the effort would be completely sincere.

What keeps the torch burning is the excitement of the "forbidden." Legitimizing the relationship would lower the temperature because few people can sustain that level of intensity without eventually burning out.

Your conclusion, however, is a valid one. There is no such thing as a "harmless" affair. What you are doing IS unacceptable and, sadly, when it is discovered, innocent people will be hurt.

DEAR ABBY: I just threw a birthday party for my 8-year-old daughter and invited friends from her class. All the kids were 7 or 8 years old. The party was held at a gymnastics place where there were trampolines, balance beams, etc.

My problem was one mom and dad who dropped off their 8-year-old daughter. When I turned around they had vanished, leaving their 3-year-old daughter, "Holly," for me to take care of.

When the mom returned later to pick up her kids, I told her that Holly had had a really tough time. She had cried constantly because she couldn't do what the older kids were doing, and was, quite honestly, a handful.

The mother offered no explanation or apology, other than to shrug and say that Holly would have cried if they had tried to take her out of there.

Abby, please advise parents of kids who have younger siblings to leave the little ones at home. Not every situation is safe or appropriate for children of all ages, and it puts a huge responsibility on the birthday child's parents to have to baby-sit rather than enjoy the festivities. -- BIRTHDAY BABY SITTER, ACTON, MASS.

DEAR BABY SITTER: Holly's parents did not dump their little girl on you because she would have cried if they had taken her with them. They did it because they are self-centered, had something they preferred to do rather than supervise their 3-year-old, and were too cheap to arrange for a sitter. They were lucky that you were conscientious enough that, in addition to your hosting duties, you were able to prevent their child from injuring herself.

I would say shame on them, but they don't appear to have any.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I work in a public library, where I deal with a lot of children and process many library card applications. I have a question for today's parents and was wondering if your readers would respond.

Why do so many parents give their children first names they don't like to be used? At least once a week, I run into a parent who, when I call her child "Mary," will get angry and snap, "We don't call her that!" and order me to call the child by his or her middle name or some completely different name. I mean, if you don't like the name or don't want your kid to be called that, why give them that name?

I understand with older kids it can be a matter of choice, or with "Juniors" and others, it's a way to distinguish a father from a son. But this happens too often, and I dislike being snapped at because I called their son or daughter by his or her first name. So why is it such a common practice? -- CONFUZZLED IN FLORIDA

DEAR CONFUZZLED: I'm sure my readers will gladly chime in, but I have a hunch that many of them will tell you that their children were named to honor deceased parents, grandparents or other relatives despite the fact that those names may no longer be in "vogue." And that's why their child is called by a middle name or nickname.

However, the parents you describe are rude and abusive. Rather than snapping at you, they should have their children's library cards issued in the name the child uses.

DEAR ABBY: Twelve years ago, when I was in high school, I made friends with a girl who had just come from Europe. (I'll call her Cheri.) We became close friends and did the usual high school things together.

I was the first of our group to be married and asked Cheri and several other girlfriends to be my bridesmaids. All went nicely. I soon had a baby, and I asked Cheri to be the godmother to my daughter, which she accepted.

A year later, Cheri became engaged and asked me to stand up for her at her wedding. By that time I had two little ones, my husband was earning an hourly wage and money was tight. I leveled with her and told her I didn't have the money to buy a bridesmaid's dress. Cheri was hurt and asked her sister to do the honors. I wasn't even invited to the wedding.

Now I'm thinking about the friendship we once had, and I miss it. Was I wrong to be truthful about my money situation, or should I have gone into debt to buy the necessary bridesmaid's apparel? -- WONDERING IN OHIO

DEAR WONDERING: You did the right thing in telling your friend the truth that buying the bridesmaid's dress was beyond your means. Considering the circumstances, it would have been foolish to go into debt. I can understand Cheri's disappointment, but she reacted like a spoiled child. ("If you don't do what I want, you can't come to my party!")

Because you miss her, give her a call and see if she has grown up by now.

DEAR ABBY: I have a 4-year-old sister who drinks a lot of beer. My dad lets her drink it. What should I do? -- BIG SISTER IN SANTA MARIA, CALIF.

DEAR BIG SISTER: You appear to have more common sense than your father, who apparently does not realize that when children drink alcohol they can more easily become dependent upon it than adults. Because your father is not likely to stop if you tell him that giving liquor to a child is wrong, you should tell a trusted teacher at school what you have told me. The teacher can see to it that your father recognizes the error of his ways.

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DEAR ABBY: My parents are both dead and have been for quite some time. Visiting the cemetery is, and always has been, very depressing to me, so I choose not to go.

My problem is I have an older relative who says not going to the graves is a sign of disrespect. (She spits out the word with such venom!) Abby, I don't disrespect my parents at all. I just don't want to go to the cemetery and have all those sad memories flood back and cause me to feel awful again.

I'd love to tell her that just because I don't agree with her doesn't make me wrong. So, is it a sign of disrespect not to visit a grave? I feel my parents are in heaven, not in the ground. -- SAD DAUGHTER IN JACKSON, MO.

DEAR SAD DAUGHTER: Whether to visit someone's grave -- and that includes one's parents' -- is a personal choice. Going to the cemetery is not "proof of respect," because a person can be going to curse the grave as easily as to mourn.

Your letter brings to mind a conversation I had with my mother years ago. Her mother was felled by a stroke at 57, when Mamma was only 23. I once asked her why she never went back to visit her mother's grave. Her reply: "Because she isn't there. She's in my heart."

Your relative is wrong to try to make you feel guilty. The next time she does it, tune her out or change the subject.

DEAR ABBY: My parents are in the middle of a nasty divorce. Ever since they separated, Dad has been accusing my mother of having an affair. I only recently found out that, in actuality, HE is the one having the affair. I used to live with him, but some horrible events happened and I moved out. Now Dad is writing me nasty e-mails.

I know the reason he is doing it is because he knows that I know what he has been up to. Mother has no idea that he is having an affair. All she wants from the divorce is to keep what is hers and have custody of my youngest sister. (There are three of us.) My middle sister and I are on good terms with our mother, and only want the best for our little sister.

Dad has already made it clear that he wants custody only for the money. He even told my little sister that, and she's only 12! I don't feel right letting Mother's name get trashed because of her "affair" with nobody, while he's out sleeping with this other woman. I have considered talking to her lawyer, but my fiance says I should stay out of it. What should I do? -- LOST AND CONFUSED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR LOST AND CONFUSED: First, do not listen to your fiance. Talk to your mother, and then the two of you should visit her attorney. And while you're at it, be sure to take your little sister along and let her tell the lawyer that "Daddy" said he wanted her only for the money. Under no circumstances should he get custody of that child.

DEAR ABBY: My parents are in the middle of a nasty divorce. Ever since they separated, Dad has been accusing my mother of having an affair. I only recently found out that, in actuality, HE is the one having the affair. I used to live with him, but some horrible events happened and I moved out. Now Dad is writing me nasty e-mails.

I know the reason he is doing it is because he knows that I know what he has been up to. Mother has no idea that he is having an affair. All she wants from the divorce is to keep what is hers and have custody of my youngest sister. (There are three of us.) My middle sister and I are on good terms with our mother, and only want the best for our little sister.

Dad has already made it clear that he wants custody only for the money. He even told my little sister that, and she's only 12! I don't feel right letting Mother's name get trashed because of her "affair" with nobody, while he's out sleeping with this other woman. I have considered talking to her lawyer, but my fiance says I should stay out of it. What should I do? -- LOST AND CONFUSED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR LOST AND CONFUSED: First, do not listen to your fiance. Talk to your mother, and then the two of you should visit her attorney. And while you're at it, be sure to take your little sister along and let her tell the lawyer that "Daddy" said he wanted her only for the money. Under no circumstances should he get custody of that child.

DEAR ABBY: Why is it that people always say, "How are you?" in place of "Hello"? What should one say in response? I am so sick of answering, "Fine, how are you?" simply because that's what is expected.

Can you give me another response that doesn't sound like a recording? -- FINE, THANK YOU, IN GASTONIA, N.C.

DEAR FINE, THANK YOU: Absolutely. Say, "I'm hangin' in, hangin' out, hangin' on, and sometimes just hangin'." (Please don't hang me on this one!)