DEAR ABBY: I work in a public library, where I deal with a lot of children and process many library card applications. I have a question for today's parents and was wondering if your readers would respond.

Why do so many parents give their children first names they don't like to be used? At least once a week, I run into a parent who, when I call her child "Mary," will get angry and snap, "We don't call her that!" and order me to call the child by his or her middle name or some completely different name. I mean, if you don't like the name or don't want your kid to be called that, why give them that name?

I understand with older kids it can be a matter of choice, or with "Juniors" and others, it's a way to distinguish a father from a son. But this happens too often, and I dislike being snapped at because I called their son or daughter by his or her first name. So why is it such a common practice? -- CONFUZZLED IN FLORIDA

DEAR CONFUZZLED: I'm sure my readers will gladly chime in, but I have a hunch that many of them will tell you that their children were named to honor deceased parents, grandparents or other relatives despite the fact that those names may no longer be in "vogue." And that's why their child is called by a middle name or nickname.

However, the parents you describe are rude and abusive. Rather than snapping at you, they should have their children's library cards issued in the name the child uses.

DEAR ABBY: Twelve years ago, when I was in high school, I made friends with a girl who had just come from Europe. (I'll call her Cheri.) We became close friends and did the usual high school things together.

I was the first of our group to be married and asked Cheri and several other girlfriends to be my bridesmaids. All went nicely. I soon had a baby, and I asked Cheri to be the godmother to my daughter, which she accepted.

A year later, Cheri became engaged and asked me to stand up for her at her wedding. By that time I had two little ones, my husband was earning an hourly wage and money was tight. I leveled with her and told her I didn't have the money to buy a bridesmaid's dress. Cheri was hurt and asked her sister to do the honors. I wasn't even invited to the wedding.

Now I'm thinking about the friendship we once had, and I miss it. Was I wrong to be truthful about my money situation, or should I have gone into debt to buy the necessary bridesmaid's apparel? -- WONDERING IN OHIO

DEAR WONDERING: You did the right thing in telling your friend the truth that buying the bridesmaid's dress was beyond your means. Considering the circumstances, it would have been foolish to go into debt. I can understand Cheri's disappointment, but she reacted like a spoiled child. ("If you don't do what I want, you can't come to my party!")

Because you miss her, give her a call and see if she has grown up by now.

DEAR ABBY: I have a 4-year-old sister who drinks a lot of beer. My dad lets her drink it. What should I do? -- BIG SISTER IN SANTA MARIA, CALIF.

DEAR BIG SISTER: You appear to have more common sense than your father, who apparently does not realize that when children drink alcohol they can more easily become dependent upon it than adults. Because your father is not likely to stop if you tell him that giving liquor to a child is wrong, you should tell a trusted teacher at school what you have told me. The teacher can see to it that your father recognizes the error of his ways.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: My parents are both dead and have been for quite some time. Visiting the cemetery is, and always has been, very depressing to me, so I choose not to go.

My problem is I have an older relative who says not going to the graves is a sign of disrespect. (She spits out the word with such venom!) Abby, I don't disrespect my parents at all. I just don't want to go to the cemetery and have all those sad memories flood back and cause me to feel awful again.

I'd love to tell her that just because I don't agree with her doesn't make me wrong. So, is it a sign of disrespect not to visit a grave? I feel my parents are in heaven, not in the ground. -- SAD DAUGHTER IN JACKSON, MO.

DEAR SAD DAUGHTER: Whether to visit someone's grave -- and that includes one's parents' -- is a personal choice. Going to the cemetery is not "proof of respect," because a person can be going to curse the grave as easily as to mourn.

Your letter brings to mind a conversation I had with my mother years ago. Her mother was felled by a stroke at 57, when Mamma was only 23. I once asked her why she never went back to visit her mother's grave. Her reply: "Because she isn't there. She's in my heart."

Your relative is wrong to try to make you feel guilty. The next time she does it, tune her out or change the subject.

DEAR ABBY: My parents are in the middle of a nasty divorce. Ever since they separated, Dad has been accusing my mother of having an affair. I only recently found out that, in actuality, HE is the one having the affair. I used to live with him, but some horrible events happened and I moved out. Now Dad is writing me nasty e-mails.

I know the reason he is doing it is because he knows that I know what he has been up to. Mother has no idea that he is having an affair. All she wants from the divorce is to keep what is hers and have custody of my youngest sister. (There are three of us.) My middle sister and I are on good terms with our mother, and only want the best for our little sister.

Dad has already made it clear that he wants custody only for the money. He even told my little sister that, and she's only 12! I don't feel right letting Mother's name get trashed because of her "affair" with nobody, while he's out sleeping with this other woman. I have considered talking to her lawyer, but my fiance says I should stay out of it. What should I do? -- LOST AND CONFUSED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR LOST AND CONFUSED: First, do not listen to your fiance. Talk to your mother, and then the two of you should visit her attorney. And while you're at it, be sure to take your little sister along and let her tell the lawyer that "Daddy" said he wanted her only for the money. Under no circumstances should he get custody of that child.

DEAR ABBY: Why is it that people always say, "How are you?" in place of "Hello"? What should one say in response? I am so sick of answering, "Fine, how are you?" simply because that's what is expected.

Can you give me another response that doesn't sound like a recording? -- FINE, THANK YOU, IN GASTONIA, N.C.

DEAR FINE, THANK YOU: Absolutely. Say, "I'm hangin' in, hangin' out, hangin' on, and sometimes just hangin'." (Please don't hang me on this one!)

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: You told "Needs Help in Chicago" (Feb. 10) to get back into college and see a counselor. I wholeheartedly agree. I was exactly like her. I avoided other people, maintained straight A's, had many offers for scholarships, went to college and, shortly after, burned out. I'm not sure about her, but I had been raped and molested at a young age, and books became my escape from the harsh reality of life.

There's a root cause for social avoidance, and it really can leave you feeling lost and adrift. I hope that girl will seek mental health counseling before she goes back to school. I'm sure it will change many things for her for the better. -- T.B., JACKSONVILLE, FLA.

DEAR T.B.: Thank you for reaching out to "Needs Help" and sharing your personal experience. I spotted the same red flag in her letter, which is why I hoped she'd talk to a mental health professional. However, because I was unsure of her financial situation, I felt she could most easily find a therapist through the school's student health center. You are only one of many readers who want to help that young woman. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As a college counselor, I'm amazed at the number of students who have no idea what to do with their lives. Fortunately, there are highly effective assessment tools and counseling protocols to help students identify the kind of work they would find fulfilling and rewarding, and that would give meaning to their lives. Helpful answers are there if students get the right counseling. -- PATRICIA BRESLIN, GAINESVILLE, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: I am a college English professor. Far too many students float through my classes who go to school only because their parents expect them to. Their attitude and grades often reflect this.

I encourage my own children (ages 17 and 20) to go out and experience life before going to college. I didn't start college until my mid-30s, and 10 years later am working on a Ph.D. As a result, I appreciated the experience much more and got more value from my tuition dollars. College right out of high school is not the answer for everyone. -- CARING PROFESSOR, WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR ABBY: "Needs Help in Chicago," who doesn't know what to do with her life, might consider joining the Peace Corps or becoming a VISTA or AmeriCorps volunteer. It's a wonderful way to spend a few years, provides valuable experiences and looks good on a resume. It would give her a chance to see the world in a new way and learn about herself. Anyone, at any time in life, can do this. It's a rewarding experience. -- R.L.H. IN WARNER ROBINS, GA.

DEAR ABBY: I dropped out of an Ivy League school after one semester due to burnout and boredom. Everyone I knew was sure I was making the wrong decision. It was the best choice I ever made.

During my 2 1/2 years off, I participated in a semester program through NOLS, the National Outdoor Leadership School (� HYPERLINK "http://www.nols.edu" ��www.nols.edu�). NOLS offers scholarships, financial aid and college credit. I recommend it to anyone seeking direction and challenge in life.

Eventually, when I was ready, I returned to school and graduated with honors. I now own my own business and attribute my successes to NOLS. I hope "Needs Help" will seriously consider this alternative to college. -- KATE IN CHEYENNE, WYO.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)