DEAR ABBY: My parents are both dead and have been for quite some time. Visiting the cemetery is, and always has been, very depressing to me, so I choose not to go.

My problem is I have an older relative who says not going to the graves is a sign of disrespect. (She spits out the word with such venom!) Abby, I don't disrespect my parents at all. I just don't want to go to the cemetery and have all those sad memories flood back and cause me to feel awful again.

I'd love to tell her that just because I don't agree with her doesn't make me wrong. So, is it a sign of disrespect not to visit a grave? I feel my parents are in heaven, not in the ground. -- SAD DAUGHTER IN JACKSON, MO.

DEAR SAD DAUGHTER: Whether to visit someone's grave -- and that includes one's parents' -- is a personal choice. Going to the cemetery is not "proof of respect," because a person can be going to curse the grave as easily as to mourn.

Your letter brings to mind a conversation I had with my mother years ago. Her mother was felled by a stroke at 57, when Mamma was only 23. I once asked her why she never went back to visit her mother's grave. Her reply: "Because she isn't there. She's in my heart."

Your relative is wrong to try to make you feel guilty. The next time she does it, tune her out or change the subject.

DEAR ABBY: My parents are in the middle of a nasty divorce. Ever since they separated, Dad has been accusing my mother of having an affair. I only recently found out that, in actuality, HE is the one having the affair. I used to live with him, but some horrible events happened and I moved out. Now Dad is writing me nasty e-mails.

I know the reason he is doing it is because he knows that I know what he has been up to. Mother has no idea that he is having an affair. All she wants from the divorce is to keep what is hers and have custody of my youngest sister. (There are three of us.) My middle sister and I are on good terms with our mother, and only want the best for our little sister.

Dad has already made it clear that he wants custody only for the money. He even told my little sister that, and she's only 12! I don't feel right letting Mother's name get trashed because of her "affair" with nobody, while he's out sleeping with this other woman. I have considered talking to her lawyer, but my fiance says I should stay out of it. What should I do? -- LOST AND CONFUSED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR LOST AND CONFUSED: First, do not listen to your fiance. Talk to your mother, and then the two of you should visit her attorney. And while you're at it, be sure to take your little sister along and let her tell the lawyer that "Daddy" said he wanted her only for the money. Under no circumstances should he get custody of that child.

DEAR ABBY: Why is it that people always say, "How are you?" in place of "Hello"? What should one say in response? I am so sick of answering, "Fine, how are you?" simply because that's what is expected.

Can you give me another response that doesn't sound like a recording? -- FINE, THANK YOU, IN GASTONIA, N.C.

DEAR FINE, THANK YOU: Absolutely. Say, "I'm hangin' in, hangin' out, hangin' on, and sometimes just hangin'." (Please don't hang me on this one!)

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: You told "Needs Help in Chicago" (Feb. 10) to get back into college and see a counselor. I wholeheartedly agree. I was exactly like her. I avoided other people, maintained straight A's, had many offers for scholarships, went to college and, shortly after, burned out. I'm not sure about her, but I had been raped and molested at a young age, and books became my escape from the harsh reality of life.

There's a root cause for social avoidance, and it really can leave you feeling lost and adrift. I hope that girl will seek mental health counseling before she goes back to school. I'm sure it will change many things for her for the better. -- T.B., JACKSONVILLE, FLA.

DEAR T.B.: Thank you for reaching out to "Needs Help" and sharing your personal experience. I spotted the same red flag in her letter, which is why I hoped she'd talk to a mental health professional. However, because I was unsure of her financial situation, I felt she could most easily find a therapist through the school's student health center. You are only one of many readers who want to help that young woman. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As a college counselor, I'm amazed at the number of students who have no idea what to do with their lives. Fortunately, there are highly effective assessment tools and counseling protocols to help students identify the kind of work they would find fulfilling and rewarding, and that would give meaning to their lives. Helpful answers are there if students get the right counseling. -- PATRICIA BRESLIN, GAINESVILLE, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: I am a college English professor. Far too many students float through my classes who go to school only because their parents expect them to. Their attitude and grades often reflect this.

I encourage my own children (ages 17 and 20) to go out and experience life before going to college. I didn't start college until my mid-30s, and 10 years later am working on a Ph.D. As a result, I appreciated the experience much more and got more value from my tuition dollars. College right out of high school is not the answer for everyone. -- CARING PROFESSOR, WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR ABBY: "Needs Help in Chicago," who doesn't know what to do with her life, might consider joining the Peace Corps or becoming a VISTA or AmeriCorps volunteer. It's a wonderful way to spend a few years, provides valuable experiences and looks good on a resume. It would give her a chance to see the world in a new way and learn about herself. Anyone, at any time in life, can do this. It's a rewarding experience. -- R.L.H. IN WARNER ROBINS, GA.

DEAR ABBY: I dropped out of an Ivy League school after one semester due to burnout and boredom. Everyone I knew was sure I was making the wrong decision. It was the best choice I ever made.

During my 2 1/2 years off, I participated in a semester program through NOLS, the National Outdoor Leadership School (� HYPERLINK "http://www.nols.edu" ��www.nols.edu�). NOLS offers scholarships, financial aid and college credit. I recommend it to anyone seeking direction and challenge in life.

Eventually, when I was ready, I returned to school and graduated with honors. I now own my own business and attribute my successes to NOLS. I hope "Needs Help" will seriously consider this alternative to college. -- KATE IN CHEYENNE, WYO.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I saved a poem that I read in your column years ago, and now for the life of me, I can't find it. It was about looking at yourself in the mirror and realizing how important character is, rather than the opinion of others. Can you tell me where to find it? My daughter is popular at school, but she was caught cheating on an exam, and I want to give it to her. -- NANCY IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR NANCY: I'm very familiar with the poem you're looking for. It was a favorite of my mother's and part of a collection of letters, poems and essays that had special meaning for her. It became part of the Dear Abby Keepers Booklet.

For your convenience, I'm reprinting it today. Read on:

THE MAN IN THE GLASS

(Author Unknown)

When you get what you want in your struggle for self

And the world makes you king for a day,

Just go to a mirror and look at yourself

And see what THAT man has to say.

For it isn't your father or mother or wife

Whose judgment upon you must pass,

The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life

Is the one staring back from the glass.

Some people might think you're a straight-shootin' chum

And call you a wonderful guy.

But the man in the glass says you're only a bum

If you can't look him straight in the eye.

He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,

For he's with you clear to the end,

And you've passed your most dangerous test

If the guy in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years

And get pats on the back as you pass,

But your final reward will be heartache and tears

If you've cheated the man in the glass.

My Keepers Booklet can be ordered by sending a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.

The booklet is inspiring, positive, and a quick, easy read for anyone who needs a "lift."

DEAR ABBY: The husband of a close friend of mine is graduating from the state police academy. She's throwing him a party, and we're invited. Could you please suggest an appropriate gift for him? I'm stuck. -- A READER IN THE EAST

DEAR READER: How about a St. Christopher's medal? He's sure to be doing a lot of "traveling."