DEAR ABBY: My husband serves in the U.S. Army. I am a proud Army wife. Lately, more and more people are openly speaking out against the war in Iraq, as is their right. However, people are also speaking out against soldiers, and now, even their wives.

I was recently confronted by a message on MySpace. The writer, a woman, called Army wives everything in the book. I was heartbroken. She said we were all uneducated. (I have my degree in psychology.) She said we all just sit home and spend our husbands' money. I am a stay-at-home mom, but I do not ever get to sit.

She also stated that the Army paid us to have kids. This is not true, either. We do not get paid any more for having one child or seven. She said Army wives whine about missing their soldiers overseas and that it's not that dangerous -- you could die from any job. Not many wives outside the military have to go weeks without talking to their spouses and not knowing if they are OK. Jobs outside the military can be dangerous, yes, but people are not trying to harm them.

I just want people to know you can disagree with the war, with our leaders, with what happens in the world, but please do not group people together and look down on them. We military wives have it hard, but we keep things together the best we can. Our men fight for the rights some people take for granted. Please keep that in mind. -- KATRINA IN FAYETTEVILLE, N.C.

DEAR KATRINA: Although many people are against the war in Iraq, and it is their right to speak openly about it, that does not give anyone the right to scapegoat the wives of the people who are fighting there. Scapegoating any group reveals more about the ignorance of the person doing it than the target of the nastiness.

Just because something appears on the Internet does not mean that it is true or factual. There is a lot of misinformation floating around out there, and the statements you quoted in your letter are part of it.

I am pleased to help you get the message across. But please do not stop with me. Spread the word on any site you feel the need to -- and that includes MySpace.

DEAR ABBY: My son is an adult alcoholic and drug addict. He recently got in trouble with the law, and ran before sentencing. He has one child. My son is in contact with me.

My friend said I should use tough love and not talk to him or send him money until he gets his act straightened out and comes and faces the music. He is staying with his child's mother.

What is your opinion, Abby? I don't know what to do! My health is not good. (I am on oxygen.) Please help me. -- TOTALLY LOST IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR TOTALLY LOST: It is time your (adult) son grew up and accepted responsibility for his actions. Sending him money and hiding him from the law isn't really helping him, and it makes you an accessory to his crime. So please, listen to your friend and stop sending money -- but do talk to him and let him know he cannot hide from the law forever, so it's time for him to come clean.

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What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Jane," and I are both in our mid-50s. Jane has had numerous affairs over the past several years after her third divorce, and was involved in an "intimate relationship" with a terrific man, "Will," that lasted about three months. Jane broke up with Will several months after she decided he wasn't what she was looking for, and she's presently engaged to be married to a very nice man ("Sam") and seems very happy.

I dated Will several times before he and Jane became involved. We weren't intimate at that time, and we started seeing each other again over the last month. This time we have fallen in love.

My problem is Jane is upset that Will and I are together and says I have "betrayed" her. She is worried about having her former and current lovers present at family gatherings, and our parents are also concerned. They say it's "just weird." The fact that my sister was intimate with Will doesn't bother me or Will, but it sure bothers them.

Abby, I have always been the "good girl" in the family and bowed under their pressure, but my relationship with Will is more than I could have ever imagined, and I don't want to give up my future happiness just to make my sister and my parents more comfortable. My adult children have all met and approve of Will and our relationship, but Jane and my parents won't budge. Any suggestions? -- WANTS WILL IN WALLA WALLA, WASH.

DEAR WANTS WILL: Perhaps it's time to stop being the "good girl," begin acting like a woman who knows what she wants, and confront the double standard in your family. If your sister was "sophisticated" enough to have serial affairs, and your parents have been so worldly they have turned a blind eye to it, then they should all be adult enough to realize that you are entitled to your happiness, too.

Although this may make for some awkward first few family gatherings, as grown-ups, everyone should be able to get past it. But if they can't, you are going to have to decide whether you want this man, or to be a people-pleaser for the rest of your life.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 48-year-old woman who lives with her fiance. My mother doesn't like him because she thinks he is not taking care of me in the manner to which SHE feels I should be taken care of.

My fiance is a former felon with nine convictions. He served his time, is now off parole -- free and clear -- and is attending college full time. He has not found a job yet, but he does odd jobs to help around the house. This is causing a rift between my mom and me. What can I do? -- CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE: If I were you, I would make it a long engagement. Because you did not mention what your fiance has been convicted of, nine times over, it is hard to determine whether he will ever manage to get a job and do more than help you around the house. If that is still all right with you a few years down the road, then who am I to say you should live differently? But please don't blame your mother for wanting you to have, at the very least, an equal partner.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY IRISH READERS:

"May the most you wish for be the least you get.

"May the best times you've ever had be the worst you will ever see."

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

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DEAR ABBY: The one-year anniversary of my husband's death is approaching. It has been a long and difficult year, but my children and I are mending. With the anniversary date coming up next month, we have all been feeling depressed.

My problem is I have recently started seeing a gentleman ("Donald") who is kind, loving, generous, and understanding to both me and my children. Although I don't know where this relationship is heading, I do think he is special.

Our conversations sometimes include my husband. (He also speaks of his ex-wife.) I do not want to make Donald feel like second fiddle to my deceased husband. How can I reassure him that although I am hurting over the loss of someone I loved for 20 years -- especially on anniversaries of certain events -- that my relationship with him is important to me? -- STILL GRIEVING, MELBOURNE, FLA.

DEAR STILL GRIEVING: The surest way to reassure Donald would be to address the subject. Ask him, "Does it bother you when I mention my deceased husband?" You may be pleasantly surprised to find that he understands completely. But if he doesn't, then you should tell him exactly what you have told me. I have always believed in the power of communication.

DEAR ABBY: I'm having a hard time making my friends understand that I would prefer not to go out for food or drinks to celebrate my birthday. I know their hearts are in the right place and have told them so, but they don't seem to get the message and are hurt by my not wanting to go out.

I have many friends and family, and all of them want to do something different. I would prefer to let the day pass. Someone went so far as to tell me that it is "attention-seeking" to not let people celebrate my day.

Can you help me find the words to tell them I'm not interested without hurting their feelings? -- BIRTHDAY GIRL IN WILMINGTON, DEL.

DEAR BIRTHDAY GIRL: Try this: Explain that not everyone views birthdays in the same light. Some people find birthdays to be depressing, and pretending that they don't so others can celebrate makes them even more depressed. This is not an attention-getting device; it is simply a preference for marking the occasion with quiet contemplation instead of forced gaiety.

DEAR ABBY: Two of my co-workers, both of whom are married, are having an affair. It seems as if they don't care if they flaunt it.

They take long lunches together, and apparently he is now visiting her house while her husband is out of town. She has small children, and now the children know the man as "Mommy's friend who comes over when Daddy is gone."

Abby, I have seen her write love notes while she's supposed to be working, and I have seen e-mails in which he confesses his love for her. I feel sorry for the spouses of these two people.

Should I just mind my own business, let this continue, and let them get caught on their own? What would you do if you were in my place? -- LOLA IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR LOLA: I would mind my own business and let them get caught on their own. However, since the romance appears to be an open secret -- and being as it's Las Vegas -- I'd start a pool and take bets on how long it will take before one of the children mentions "Mommy's friend" to Daddy.

DEAR ABBY: Two of my co-workers, both of whom are married, are having an affair. It seems as if they don't care if they flaunt it.

They take long lunches together, and apparently he is now visiting her house while her husband is out of town. She has small children, and now the children know the man as "Mommy's friend who comes over when Daddy is gone."

Abby, I have seen her write love notes while she's supposed to be working, and I have seen e-mails in which he confesses his love for her. I feel sorry for the spouses of these two people.

Should I just mind my own business, let this continue, and let them get caught on their own? What would you do if you were in my place? -- LOLA IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR LOLA: I would mind my own business and let them get caught on their own. However, since the romance appears to be an open secret -- and being as it's Las Vegas -- I'd start a pool and take bets on how long it will take before one of the children mentions "Mommy's friend" to Daddy.