DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Hurting in New York" (Jan. 17), I ran to my computer. Unless she breaks off her relationship with "Pan," you'll be hearing from her again in about 10 years.

I married a Greek man whose family never accepted me. Being young and naive, I tried everything to fit in, converting from Catholicism to the Greek Orthodox faith, attending all family functions, including them in our lives. It was never enough.

My husband and I traveled to Crete with his family to visit his relatives there, and some extended family members refused to share the dinner table with me because I was not Greek. One of those family members was a priest!

Our daughter, "Athena," was born four years later. What broke the camel's back for me was a Christmas dinner when she was 6. My father-in-law gave cards with $100 to all the grandchildren of Greek heritage. Athena received nothing and cried for hours wanting to know why her grandfather didn't love her. My husband just tried to stay neutral.

Please tell "Hurting" that Pan's actions speak louder than words. If at 35 he is celebrating holidays without her and hiding her from his family, it won't stop. She will never be accepted into the family, nor will any children they have together. She'll be better off without him. -- IRISH AGAIN IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR IRISH AGAIN: I hope "Hurting" will take your (and my) advice to heart. And thank you for sharing your experience, which I am sure was painful. However, the kind of cliquishness you have described can happen in any group that tends to be "clannish," as my readers pointed out. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You were right on the money with your advice to "move on." I was married to a "Brit" for more than a decade, and experienced the same treatment from my former in-laws that she is facing. I thought things would improve after our wedding, then once we had been married "awhile," etc. Needless to say, it never improved. Literally until the day I left, I was treated like an outsider, and my husband never once took a stance to protect me or even acknowledge the problem.

I know many other couples of differing nationalities, and I know this is the exception, not the rule. But I sure hope she takes your good advice, because she'll have years of disappointment and heartbreak ahead if she doesn't. -- BEEN THERE IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: I met my Armenian-American husband when I was 22 and he was 32. I thought, "What a nice guy; why isn't he married?" I soon found out why. He had very strong ties to his parents and siblings. They did not take to me at all. I have been snubbed and insulted repeatedly.

I married him anyway, and it was been 25 long years. He is still tied to "Mommy," and it's sickening. My advice to "Hurting" is to run and keep on running. Don't marry someone because you pity him. I did, and my compassion has gotten me nothing but verbal abuse from my husband and stoniness from his family. -- STILL HERE, WISH I WASN'T

DEAR ABBY: I'm a Greek woman, and your advice about "Pan" was right on. Pan is hiding her because she's not good enough for his family and never will be because she's not Greek. Shallow? Perhaps, but it's normal behavior for a traditional Greek family.

My mother was three-fourths Greek and was treated horribly her entire married life by my father's family. The movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" was not a romantic comedy; it was a documentary! Pan's family will always come first. -- KNOWS ONLY TOO WELL IN CALIFORNIA

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DEAR ABBY: I am 22 years old and have been married 17 months. "Derek" and I have a 23-month-old son. Derek hasn't worked for about a year and refuses to help support our family. He also belittles me whenever he talks to me. I am not happy in this marriage, but I am not sure what to do about it.

On our honeymoon, Derek told me if I ever divorced him that he'd make sure he would get custody of our son. And his mom already said that she would tell the judge that I was an unfit mother.

My son is my world, Abby. He doesn't even let his daddy hold him, so I know he wouldn't be better off with Derek. But because I am on disability, I don't know if I have a good chance of getting custody if I leave. I don't feel Derek loves me or my son.

What should I do? Stick it out with my husband or take the chance of losing my son? -- TRAPPED IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR TRAPPED: It must have been some honeymoon if that was when Derek began threatening retribution if you ever divorced him. It appears you married a bully.

The answer to your questions will become clearer if you discuss this matter with a lawyer who, I am sure, can explain what your rights are as a mother. If, after that, you can find the strength to assert yourself, perhaps Derek will consider an attitude adjustment and stop blowing hot air.

P.S. If your baby is thriving, then your mother-in-law's trumped-up allegations would prove groundless.

DEAR ABBY: I suffered a miscarriage six weeks ago. Since then, it feels like I have suffered one disappointment after another. My sister-in-law -- who was supposed to be infertile -- is now expecting. The doctors thought she'd had an ectopic pregnancy, so they performed surgery on her only to find that the baby was fine and right where it should be.

I feel so bitter that I am normal and healthy, and my baby died because of random bad luck, whereas her baby is fine after all the trauma she has been through. I have become increasingly angry and unhappy and can no longer see the positive aspects of my life because I spend so much time focusing on the bad. I want to be happy for her and my brother because, surely, this is a miracle baby -- but I just can't.

I think I need a dose of good common sense and a swift kick in the rear to get me out of this depression. Would you do the honors? -- ANONYMOUS IN THE NORTH

DEAR ANONYMOUS: You're half-right. You need a good dose of good common sense. You do NOT need a swift kick in the rear, because the feelings you are experiencing are understandable in someone who has lost a baby -- with all the hopes, dreams and plans that went along with confirmation of the pregnancy. It would be helpful for you to discuss your feelings with your ob/gyn because I am sure he or she will explain to you that a larger number of pregnancies than you might imagine do not make it to term.

You have my deepest sympathy for your loss. Because you so badly want a child, I hope you will continue trying for one. However, if your anger and resentment continue to fester, the surest way I know to resolve these feelings is to discuss them with a mental health professional. It is normal to grieve, but you must not allow that grief to rule your life.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: "John" and I have been together for seven years and were finally married last February. We have a 4-year-old daughter together.

I recently learned that John has had multiple affairs during our relationship, and fathered a child who was born last summer. I was devastated by the news of the affairs, not to mention that one resulted in a child. We are still together, but I plan to meet with an attorney soon. I know I can sue John for divorce and child support.

The child's mother is making my life crazy. She has not yet filed for child support, and she calls my home weekly demanding money from me because John is out of a job. She calls me at work and has threatened to show up at my home and my job with the baby in her arms.

What can I do about this? She knew about me when her affair with John started. She refuses to take into consideration the fact that my child is at an age where she can figure out something is not right.

John says he's willing to support her baby, but he wants nothing to do with either of them. I cannot trust him. She's acting crazy, and I'M the one who's been betrayed. I am holding up the best I can, but please advise me. I am truly tired of the mess that the two of them have created. -- TIRED OF THE DRAMA IN S. CAROLINA

DEAR TIRED: I hope you understand that you are under no obligation to give John's ladyfriend a penny. What she is doing is harassment, and could be considered an attempt at extortion. So please, be a good citizen and report her to the police. She must not be allowed to jeopardize your job, because with John's track record, I have a strong hunch you're going to need it to support yourself and your child. Please don't wait to make that call.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law, "Sally," is a pack rat. She cannot bear to throw anything away. The items she is willing to part with, she donates to the local thrift store where I volunteer. Because Sally cannot stand to feel as if she is being wasteful by throwing her tattered and broken belongings away, she unloads them on the thrift shop in the hope that someone else will be able to find a use for them.

Recently, several friends who also volunteer at the store made it known to me that they did not appreciate Sally's donations because it takes them several hours to sort through the items, only a few of which are suitable for resale after cleaning and repairs. Frankly, I agree.

Because Sally usually drops her items off in the community drop-off box, we are obligated to sort through all the items. Most of hers wind up in the garbage, wasting the time the volunteers could be spending on other tasks that would be more beneficial to the shop.

Abby, what is the polite way to inform my mother-in-law that her donations are no longer wanted? -- ANONYMOUS IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ANONYMOUS: The first thing to do would be to send a generic letter to Sally -- and the rest of your list of donors -- stating that the thrift shop can accept only "gently worn" items and appliances that are still in working condition. Many thrift shops do this as a matter of course.

The next thing would be to speak directly to Sally and explain the problem. However, if donations are dropped off in a community drop-off box, you and the other volunteers should be absolutely certain that the items in question have really come from your mother-in-law, and not some other donors. And frankly, I would think that would be difficult to ascertain and would almost certainly create ill will if you were mistaken.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)