DEAR ABBY: I was gratified to read the letter from "Grateful Woman in the Midwest" (Jan 13), who wondered how to honor the friends who had taken her in when she was in trouble, and given her support and shelter until she was able to move on.

Our family has also done this for young people in trouble, trying to help them turn their lives around. The greatest gift we ever received came from one young man I'll call Danny.

Danny was only 20. When he came to us, just before Christmas one year, he had a 4-year-old son, was estranged from his birth family and was in desperate need. We made their Christmas bright, helped Danny find a job, cared for his son until a slot opened at Head Start, and ultimately helped find them an apartment. We even covered the utility deposits.

Never once did Danny default on his payments. He is now a model young man, owns his own business and home, and is an excellent parent. I ran into him at the supermarket the other day, and he said, "I want you to know, my son and I adopted a family last Christmas." He went on to describe how they had selected and wrapped gifts, made a holiday food basket, even baked cookies for the family. The light in his eyes as he related the story spoke volumes. It was the most wonderful gift Danny could have given us.

Please tell "Grateful" that turning around and helping others will make her angels sing with joy. -- STILL SINGING, BATH, MAINE

DEAR STILL SINGING: Your uplifting letter made ME sing with joy, as I'm sure it will many of my readers. I'm pleased to report that there are many "guardian angels" on Earth because I heard from them. Read on for a sample:

DEAR ABBY: A thank-you note promising to "pay it forward" would be priceless. We have been helping people for years (anonymously when we can), but when pressed for a reason, we always talk about those individuals who helped us, and explain that this is our way of expressing our gratitude. Nothing in this world is more joy-filled for us, the original "givers" or the recipients. It's also a gift that can keep on giving for a lifetime. -- MICKI IN WEST PALM BEACH

DEAR ABBY: After my stepson died a number of years ago, one friend, "Tom," came and helped us tremendously. I thanked him at the time, but it wasn't until I was able to take on the same role for a different friend who had lost a loved one, and then wrote Tom about it, that his act of kindness was truly clear to him. He wept openly at having been able to make such a positive difference in our time of need. -- GRATEFUL IN BIDDEFORD, MAINE

DEAR ABBY: Twenty years ago, people helped me in ways I could never repay. One of them said, "When it's your turn, then you can help someone." Now that I'm in my 40s, I help college students with references, networking and food. And I always tell them that in 20 years, I want them to help someone when they are able to. More important than getting a "good feeling," I am continuing a cycle of grace and gratitude. I hope "Grateful" will consider this possibility. -- SEAN IN HUMBLE, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, I had the chance to help a friend in crisis. My husband and I invited the man to come and live with us. It was the best decision we ever made. He is a new man now, and watching him live his new life gives us great joy.

Trust me: It's enough for "Grateful" to go out and live her life well. That is all her friends would ever want from her. -- HAPPY TO HAVE HELPED IN SANTA CRUZ, CALIF.

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DEAR ABBY: My fiance's brother, "Nate," is going through a separation from his wife of 11 years, "Joanne." Everyone on Nate's side of the family is giving him all the support they can, but they are still very close to his wife. They realize he is an emotional cripple, prone to fits of rage and depression.

In order to save his marriage, Nate agreed to therapy and has been going regularly in the hope of saving the children from the experience of a messy divorce.

Abby, Nate talks about having a "dark side" and often talks about doing physical harm to his wife. He admits that he has not mentioned these feelings to his therapist, which means he is wasting his time there. I would never forgive myself if something should happen to Joanne.

Should I contact her and let her know? She already knows about his potential for violence. Or should I tell his therapist? I do not think their marriage is going to be saved, and when it's finally resolved is the time I fear the most. Any suggestions? -- LOST IN OHIO

DEAR LOST: It appears Nate is not in therapy because he realizes he needs it, but rather to manipulate his wife into continuing an unhappy, potentially violent marriage. It is important that you inform Joanne that Nate has been talking about causing her physical harm and that he is not cooperating fully with his therapist. That way, she can take steps to protect herself -- including discussing it with her attorney and/or the police.

DEAR ABBY: My wife of eight years, "Gwen," told me she had been raped by our brother-in-law before we were married. I have an extremely tough time at family gatherings because of this. Gwen continues on as if nothing ever happened.

Gwen refuses to talk about this to anyone. She says she told her parents about it at the time; however, they refused to believe her. She has now been diagnosed as bipolar and has severe depression.

I need to know if there is anything I can do to help her. Gwen has been seeing a counselor, whom I speak to also. Should I bring it up during a session? I know this has severely hurt my wife over the years. Please advise. -- WORRIED ABOUT MY WIFE IN TEXAS

DEAR WORRIED: Because your in-laws did not believe their daughter when she went to them about the rape, in a sense, your wife was raped twice. That kind of trauma, when suppressed, can resurface later in the form of depression and other problems. If Gwen has not already done so, her therapist should definitely be informed. To do so could hasten her healing.

DEAR ABBY: How do you tell the difference between someone with a gambling problem and someone who is trying to become a poker champion?

The person is my husband, and I'd like to support his dream of being a champion. I have never been around gamblers, and I am not sure where the line is drawn. -- QUEEN OF HEARTS IN ALBUQUERQUE

DEAR QUEEN OF HEARTS: Many men and women enjoy gambling as a form of entertainment, and some can (and do) make a living at it. However, for some people gambling can become an addiction. These compulsive gamblers are unable to overcome the impulse to keep on trying, lose more money than they can afford to spend, and sacrifice their lifestyle and their family's future as their futile attempts drive them deeper and deeper into debt. These people need professional help and/or a 12-step program to overcome their addiction.

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DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Kay in St. Joseph, Mo." (Jan. 10) caught my attention. She's the woman whose husband (a hunter) leaves bloody footprints and pieces of deer carcass throughout their house and his soiled clothes piled in the kitchen.

I am a female bow hunter. If my hunting buddies (all of whom are male) came into my house and made a mess like Kay's husband does, I would shoot THEM.

There's a reason why the annual "great hunt" is always at her house. None of the other hunters' families would put up with their disrespect. I can't even imagine how hard it would be to remove week-old animal blood from a carpet.

History repeats itself, and inconsiderate people don't change on their own. "Kay" needs to stand up for herself and refuse to tolerate their behavior any longer. -- J.J. IN FORT WAYNE, IND.

DEAR J.J.: I couldn't agree more. However, because the balance of power in her family does not appear to be in her favor, I thought she'd have better luck if she let her husband wallow in the mess he and his brothers had created while she vacated the premises -- and let him get a professional cleaning crew in there if the chore was more than he could handle. That is, until I heard from more of my readers:

DEAR ABBY: I have hunted for almost 40 years and have always processed my own meat -- from squirrel to deer. Most hunters keep the work area clean so the meat won't be contaminated. I have seen a few hunters like Kay's husband, and simply put, they are lazy. Their meat is filled with hair and dirt, and could be spoiled as well.

I do all my meat processing in my clean garage, then bring it down to the basement to wrap before storing it in the freezer. I hose down any blood residue, and all scraps are thrown in the trash can as I work. Kay needs to put her foot down and kick them out of the house. -- LARRY IN BRADFORD, PA.

DEAR ABBY: I'm not sure how intellectual those folks are, but there could be grave consequences because of their behavior. Most wild game carry a variety of bacteria, some strains of which are rumored to have infected North American deer herds with mad-cow disease.

When wild game is cleaned, precautions should be taken to disinfect the animal and the work area. Some folks go so far as to field-clean an animal and wash it down with a bleach solution as soon as it's taken. Surgical gloves are worn, and when everything is done, the people cleanse themselves and their gear immediately! -- ROBERT IN NEW SMYRNA BEACH, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: I raised five boys, who with their father loved to go fishing. I told them I'd cook and serve anything I found in the kitchen. It took only one meal of fried fish, innards and all, for them to get the message. -- VICKY IN SONORA, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: My son used to work in a butcher shop that processed deer every year. When the deer came in, all the other meat that was sold had to be moved out.

If meat isn't handled correctly or becomes tainted and makes someone ill, Kay's husband and brothers-in-law could be in serious trouble. It may be time for her to contact the local health department. Because her husband is being paid to "process" food, I'm sure he's violating more than a few laws -- and the fines he could be subject to could cost him "deerly"! -- KEITH IN OHIO

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