DEAR ABBY: "Frustrated in Philly" (Jan. 14) wrote that he is burnt out from working two jobs because his wife, "Darla," is preoccupied with material things and "likes to keep up with the Joneses." He said they've been married 10 years and have three kids, and although she promises to get a job and help with the bills, it never happens.

Your advice to "Frustrated" should have included, "Sell some of your toys, quit one of your jobs, and spend more time at home with the family before you have a heart attack! Do not kill yourself to please a taker." -- JOHN C., SAGINAW, MICH.

DEAR JOHN C.: I told "Frustrated in Philly" that in his wife's view, his role is to support her in the manner to which she aspires, regardless of its effect on him -- and that he should offer her the option of marriage counseling or consult a lawyer. However, not all of my readers viewed the situation in the same light that you and I did. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I'm sad that you thought the wife who kept developing "mysterious illnesses" and failing to find a job was totally selfish and perceived her husband's role as "to support her in the manner to which she aspires" while her own role was simply "to enjoy it." Speaking from experience, I think her problem may be fear.

After an eight-year career, I was a stay-at-home mom for nine years. By the time I thought about going back to the work force, my confidence had been nearly destroyed (because my husband was so controlling and hypercritical), and it made me afraid to try.

In spite of my husband's disapproval, I joined a direct sales company and struggled to succeed. Because of my low self-esteem, it was like trying to climb a mountain with a boulder on my shoulder. I am still with that company, but no longer with my (ex) husband, and I am finally very happy.

I'm afraid your answer to the husband will make him continue to be angry and confrontational. If only he'd stop trying to force her to get a job and talk to her about what's best for the whole family's future, there might be some hope. He could say: "Honey, we're on the same team. I'm afraid that working two jobs is ruining my health. If there's a reason why going back into the work force scares you, let's talk about it." -- JERSEY GIRL

DEAR ABBY: "Frustrated" should not have to work two jobs just to keep up with his wife's spending. Marriage counseling is a good start, but there may be something more serious going on. It seems to me like his wife's behavior could be a sign of severe depression or bipolar disorder. It's worth checking out. -- HOLLY IN COLORADO

DEAR ABBY: I would remind "Frustrated" that raising three children under the age of 10 is a full-time job, even if it doesn't pay financially. Also, would a woman who has not worked outside the home in at least 10 years be able to get a job that pays enough to offset the cost of child care now that Mom's not home?

"Frustrated" needs to sit down with his wife, decide on mutual financial goals, and develop a budget. If sticking to a budget is impossible for her, then maybe he needs to take control of the finances, cut up the credit cards, and put his wife on an allowance to cover household expenses. Finances are one of the most common reasons for marital strife. I hope that couple can reach a compromise. -- JENNIFER IN FLORIDA

DEAR ABBY: I am a single woman in my early 30s who has never been married. I recently fell in love with a wonderful man with whom I spend a great deal of time. He is unaware of the intensity of my feelings, and I'm afraid of telling him out of fear of rejection.

There are a couple of additional concerns: He is 15 years my senior and a medical doctor. I am a social worker in a lower socio-economic class. In addition, we are of different religions, but we have similar spiritual beliefs and values. He is also my co-worker.

I am very interested in pursuing a deeper relationship with this man, but would like to hear your advice first. Thank you for your thoughts on this. -- LONGING FOR MORE IN CHICAGO

DEAR LONGING: Although it is possible that the doctor is also attracted to you, the fact that you are co-workers makes the situation possibly problematic. Because you spend "a great deal of time" together, I assume that you discuss subjects beyond those that are work-related. One way to proceed might be to mention that you "happen" to have a couple of tickets to a play or other event he might be interested in -- and would he like to accompany you. If the answer is yes, you're off to a good start.

DEAR ABBY: As the "Baby Boom" generation is now growing older, when will food product manufacturers wise up to the fact that printing cooking instructions on their products is no longer acceptable?

I pass on buying many items in the supermarket for this reason. Perhaps with your influence these people will begin to understand that they're losing money from older people simply because we can't make out a half-cup from a third of a cup in such tiny print. There are also young people with visual impairments, too. Thank you! -- REVEREND JOE IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR REVEREND JOE: Much as one might pray for it, I'm doubtful that the food manufacturers are going to alter their labels for the visually challenged. However, because reading package directions -- and I presume labels -- has become a problem for you, I recommend you carry reading glasses and/or a strong magnifying glass with you when you do your marketing. That should solve the problem.

DEAR ABBY: The recent letter and follow-up in your column regarding "Vince," who is becoming afraid of heights now that he's older, prompts my own. You counseled him to see his doctor.

I have a similar situation. I am in my 40s. When I was younger, I was never afraid of anything -- no known phobias. However, as I have gotten older, I have developed claustrophobia! I have refused to go into MRIs -- even "open" ones. I panicked several times feeling trapped in my own car. Now I'm afraid to fly -- not because I'm afraid of flying, but because once I'm airborne, I start panicking about being closed in.

I think our minds rewire themselves as we get older. What do you think? -- JUANITA IN SPRING, TEXAS

DEAR JUANITA: With every activity you refrain from enjoying, you isolate yourself further. Therefore, I am giving you the same advice I gave to "Vince in Vallejo." Please discuss this problem with your doctor. There is help for people with phobias, and yours are multiplying.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband recently began carrying on his phone conversations on "speaker mode" when he got his new cell phone. As a result, I end up hearing most of his conversations in our small house or while we're driving in the car.

Often, while he's talking to his mother, I have overheard her tell him to keep several things she has said to him secret from me. She has no reason to do this, as most of the things she asks him to hide from me are inconsequential and have nothing to do with me. Occasionally, she even confesses to him that she went ahead and did something I specifically asked her not to do -- especially in matters concerning our children.

This situation has left me feeling angry and hurt, especially since my husband feels that his mother is doing nothing wrong by asking her son to keep secrets from his spouse. While my husband made vows to me, I can't help but feel as if he thinks it's the other way around. I feel like my mother-in-law's behavior, and my husband condoning it, has put a strain on my marriage. Am I wrong to feel this way? -- ANONY-MRS. IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ANONY-MRS.: Because your husband is carrying on his conversations with his mother over a speaker phone, it should be obvious that he is not trying to hide anything from you. Your mother-in-law is playing a childish game with her son, who should have put an end to it many years ago by simply saying, "Mother, I don't keep secrets from my wife."

However, if you are wise, you'll choose your battles carefully. As things stand, you are fully aware of what your mother-in-law is up to. And if I were you, I'd keep it that way.

DEAR ABBY: Our 17-year-old twin son and daughter met with military recruiters who came to their school and made the military sound exciting and glamorous. They are now saying that after they graduate next year, they want to join the military instead of going to college. They have even put up military posters in their rooms that they received from the recruiters.

My husband and I are horrified. We cannot stand the thought of them going off to war, and do not believe that war is the answer to the world's problems. It will be a year, and hopefully the novelty of the idea will wear off by then. However, I don't want to take a chance. How can I counter the idea? -- CLEVELAND MOM

DEAR CLEVELAND MOM: Before your children commit themselves to the idea that the military is all foreign travel, shiny medals and glory, they should see firsthand that there is a more serious side. Contact your nearest veterans hospital and inquire about you and your children paying some visits and volunteering to help wounded vets. It may be a sobering experience, but it should open their eyes in no time flat.

DEAR ABBY: I'm an administrative assistant and often take calls for my boss. He usually asks me to tell the caller he is not in the office or to send them to his voice mail.

I'm a terrible liar and not very good at making up excuses for him. I usually stammer or stutter when I'm lying. What can I tell these people and still stay true to myself? -- S-S-S-STUCK IN GARLAND, TEXAS

DEAR S-S-S-STUCK: It isn't necessary to lie to the caller your boss wishes to avoid. Simply say: "Mr. Crockett is not available at this time. If you'd like to leave a message, I'll connect you to his voice mail so nothing gets lost in translation." That way you are not lying; you are facilitating the caller.

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