DEAR ABBY: How do I politely tell my mother-in-law to stop doing my laundry? It all started when I was on bed rest due to my pregnancy. I didn't mind her doing an occasional load to help us out. But now she does it anytime she's over to watch the kids.

I'm very picky about how I do my laundry, and this is the main reason I don't want her doing it. Also, I'd prefer she spend time playing with the kids than with the laundry! She also puts things away in the wrong places. She does it with my dishes, too. Once I told her not to worry about my laundry because I wasn't done sorting it. She took it upon herself to do it anyway.

She's very strong-willed. My husband and I have had problems with her not respecting our parenting, too. She often takes things the wrong way. What's the best way for us to tell her that her help is not needed? -- DIRTY FAMILY LAUNDRY

DEAR DIRTY FAMILY LAUNDRY: Short of locking your laundry hamper to dissuade your mother-in-law, you should make out a list of tasks you WOULD like her to perform when she comes over. If you take the time to show her how you would like them done, it could be a positive, beneficial family time for all of you and prevent misunderstandings.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I disagree on discipline when other children come over to play with our 4-year-old daughter. I believe we have the right to tell them "no" in our own house, and she says we should wait and tell the parents.

A recent example: A friend came over and got bored playing with our daughter, so he went to her room and dumped all of her toys on the floor. Still bored, he went to the living room and proceeded to dump a 300-piece container of Legos all over the floor. I told him he should not do that and should pick up the pieces and then take them out one at a time. My wife was horrified at MY behavior! What do you think about this? -- PUZZLED IN SAN PABLO, CALIF.

DEAR PUZZLED: I think you showed great restraint in how you handled the boy. I'm not sure I would have had your patience. As to who should have been spoken to about the child's behavior -- the boy or his mother -- both of them should have been told that in your house, children are expected to act responsibly. Period.

P.S. So who picked up the Legos?

DEAR ABBY: My best friend and I are having a big mutual birthday party April 1. It's going to be a big bash with lots of people, lots of drinking and, of course, the possibility that others may bring drugs.

We plan on inviting all our friends. However, we have a few friends who no longer live that kind of lifestyle.

Do we still invite our sober friends to this gathering? We love them and want them to be there because they're our friends, but we also don't want to lead them into temptation or dangle what they can't have in front of their faces. What do you think? -- FRIEND IN NEED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FRIEND IN NEED: By all means invite your abstinent friends. They have made their choice to forgo the "higher spirits," so to include them will not seduce them from their sobriety. If you are going to exclude prospective guests, make it those you think will bring illegal drugs to your party -- or you could wind up "entertaining" more guests than you're planning for. Like the police.

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DEAR ABBY: Late last summer, we invited another couple -- good friends -- over for an informal dinner. When they walked in, they handed me a basket of fresh-picked vegetables from their garden.

Abby, I had a complete meal prepared. I love fresh vegetables and don't mind adding them to a meal. However, because the dinner was already on the table, I had to put everything on hold and find a way to keep everything warm while I prepared what they had brought.

I take pride in preparing a good meal and worried that it might not taste the same after having sat for 15 or 20 minutes. I feel they should have let me know in advance so I could have had water boiling when they arrived.

At the time, my husband told me not to say anything because it's the thought that counts, but it's still bothering me. How do you think I should handle this in the future? That wasn't the first time they have come to dinner with a "surprise" contribution, and it won't be the last. -- READY TO SERVE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR READY TO SERVE: Just because someone brings a gift of food or wine when he or she comes to dinner, the host is under no obligation to serve it. What you should have done was put their veggies in the fridge to enjoy at another meal and not stressed yourself out.

DEAR ABBY: I know my question may not seem earth-shaking in comparison with many of the questions that appear in your column. However, my best friend and I were wondering if you could settle an argument. Should a short person wear ankle-length skirts? -- FIVE-FOOT-TWO IN ILLINOIS

DEAR FIVE-FOOT-TWO: According to fashion designer Bradley Bayou, author of the new book "The Science of Sexy: Dress to Fit Your Unique Figure With the Style System that Works for Every Shape and Size" (Gotham Books), "Wearing an ankle-length skirt would work for you -- as long as your outfit is monochromatic. In other words, do not cut your body in half by wearing a top that's a different color than the skirt."

I'm sure that anyone who watches QVC has seen or heard about the talented Mr. Bayou. He has dressed (and undressed!) such Hollywood celebs as Halle Barry, Salma Hayek, Beyonce, Queen Latifah, and all the "Desperate Housewives."

Imagine being lucky enough to have someone like Bradley Bayou standing next to you in a clothing store dressing room, sharing his secrets for dressing to look your very best. Well, open his book, and you'll get a taste of the star treatment.

DEAR ABBY: We have two beautiful little boys. The older boy is 3, the younger one an infant. People always comment on how much they look alike -- as if they could be twins three years apart.

The problem is, my husband and I (close family, too) do not think they look anything alike, so we don't know how to respond. If we disagree, people go so far as to argue with us. But to agree seems silly when they really do not look alike. What is the polite way to disagree without an argument? -- PROUD MOTHER OF TWO DIFFERENT BOYS

DEAR PROUD MOTHER: Say something noncommittal -- such as, "Yes, there is a strong family resemblance." (But only if they look like they could be related.) To disagree, regardless of how politely you do it, will only generate more conversation on a subject you would prefer to avoid.

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DEAR ABBY: I loved your response to "Wants to Reach Out in Boulder" (Jan. 8), who asked what to say to someone with a terminal illness.

When my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, many of her friends and family disappeared, and Mom felt sad and abandoned by the people she loved. The few that did make an attempt to come around would often burst into tears, which was upsetting for her.

Rule 1: When you visit someone who is terminally ill, please keep your emotions in check and keep it light. What Mom appreciated most was laughter.

Rule 2: References to the person "being in heaven soon" are also not particularly welcome, unless you know the person well enough to know he or she shares your religious beliefs.

Rule 3: When death is imminent, gifts of food might not be appreciated, and large floral arrangements can actually be frightening.

Rule 4: If possible, and you can deal with it, try to do something helpful. One friend of Mother's who was a former nurse would rub lotion on her hands, wash her face, etc. Another would read to her every day -- light reading only, please!

Rule 5: When in doubt, the best thing to do is MAKE THAT VISIT. -- HEATHER IN BUENA VISTA, COLO.

DEAR HEATHER: Thank you for your helpful suggestions. Although end-of-life issues can be hard to read about, let alone difficult to deal with, many readers offered to share personal experiences. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Some of my mother's most cherished last days were spent with friends who dropped by to visit. They brought stories about work, other friends and current events, and once beyond the "I'm sorry you're sick" sentiment, found ways to have normal conversations.

The most cherished thing you can bring is your friendship, but calling ahead to see if there's anything the patient or caregiver needs would also be appreciated.

My sisters and I will be forever grateful to the wonderful friends who made our mother's last days special. -- PROFOUNDLY GRATEFUL IN FORT COLLINS

DEAR ABBY: In your response to "Wants to Reach Out," you said that hospice is not a place, but rather an at-home care program. That is not entirely correct. In addition to home care, there are hospice care facilities, and they provide a wonderful service to many families dealing with death.

Our local facility has 12 rooms and daybeds in each one, so at least one of us was able to be with our father 24/7 during his final illness. Staff and volunteers were compassionate, gentle and professional. They were respectful to Dad and helped us in many ways.

Our mother had hospice care at home 15 years ago, which helped us immeasurably, but the hospice care facility has taken the hospice concept to the next level and is worthy of all the positive attention that can be bestowed. The 12 rooms are "homier" than a hospital's, have cheery halls with beautiful memorials overlooking serene gardens, and open patios where pets can be brought.

The wonderful hospice workers deserve our support for their ongoing ministry of kindness and comfort. -- SUSAN L., BRIDGETON, N.C.

DEAR SUSAN: Thank you for correcting me. In my zeal to praise the services of in-home hospice care workers, I did neglect to mention that hospice can also be a place where terminal patients can be cared for when hospital treatment is no longer going to heal them.

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