DEAR ABBY: Late last summer, we invited another couple -- good friends -- over for an informal dinner. When they walked in, they handed me a basket of fresh-picked vegetables from their garden.

Abby, I had a complete meal prepared. I love fresh vegetables and don't mind adding them to a meal. However, because the dinner was already on the table, I had to put everything on hold and find a way to keep everything warm while I prepared what they had brought.

I take pride in preparing a good meal and worried that it might not taste the same after having sat for 15 or 20 minutes. I feel they should have let me know in advance so I could have had water boiling when they arrived.

At the time, my husband told me not to say anything because it's the thought that counts, but it's still bothering me. How do you think I should handle this in the future? That wasn't the first time they have come to dinner with a "surprise" contribution, and it won't be the last. -- READY TO SERVE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR READY TO SERVE: Just because someone brings a gift of food or wine when he or she comes to dinner, the host is under no obligation to serve it. What you should have done was put their veggies in the fridge to enjoy at another meal and not stressed yourself out.

DEAR ABBY: I know my question may not seem earth-shaking in comparison with many of the questions that appear in your column. However, my best friend and I were wondering if you could settle an argument. Should a short person wear ankle-length skirts? -- FIVE-FOOT-TWO IN ILLINOIS

DEAR FIVE-FOOT-TWO: According to fashion designer Bradley Bayou, author of the new book "The Science of Sexy: Dress to Fit Your Unique Figure With the Style System that Works for Every Shape and Size" (Gotham Books), "Wearing an ankle-length skirt would work for you -- as long as your outfit is monochromatic. In other words, do not cut your body in half by wearing a top that's a different color than the skirt."

I'm sure that anyone who watches QVC has seen or heard about the talented Mr. Bayou. He has dressed (and undressed!) such Hollywood celebs as Halle Barry, Salma Hayek, Beyonce, Queen Latifah, and all the "Desperate Housewives."

Imagine being lucky enough to have someone like Bradley Bayou standing next to you in a clothing store dressing room, sharing his secrets for dressing to look your very best. Well, open his book, and you'll get a taste of the star treatment.

DEAR ABBY: We have two beautiful little boys. The older boy is 3, the younger one an infant. People always comment on how much they look alike -- as if they could be twins three years apart.

The problem is, my husband and I (close family, too) do not think they look anything alike, so we don't know how to respond. If we disagree, people go so far as to argue with us. But to agree seems silly when they really do not look alike. What is the polite way to disagree without an argument? -- PROUD MOTHER OF TWO DIFFERENT BOYS

DEAR PROUD MOTHER: Say something noncommittal -- such as, "Yes, there is a strong family resemblance." (But only if they look like they could be related.) To disagree, regardless of how politely you do it, will only generate more conversation on a subject you would prefer to avoid.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I loved your response to "Wants to Reach Out in Boulder" (Jan. 8), who asked what to say to someone with a terminal illness.

When my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, many of her friends and family disappeared, and Mom felt sad and abandoned by the people she loved. The few that did make an attempt to come around would often burst into tears, which was upsetting for her.

Rule 1: When you visit someone who is terminally ill, please keep your emotions in check and keep it light. What Mom appreciated most was laughter.

Rule 2: References to the person "being in heaven soon" are also not particularly welcome, unless you know the person well enough to know he or she shares your religious beliefs.

Rule 3: When death is imminent, gifts of food might not be appreciated, and large floral arrangements can actually be frightening.

Rule 4: If possible, and you can deal with it, try to do something helpful. One friend of Mother's who was a former nurse would rub lotion on her hands, wash her face, etc. Another would read to her every day -- light reading only, please!

Rule 5: When in doubt, the best thing to do is MAKE THAT VISIT. -- HEATHER IN BUENA VISTA, COLO.

DEAR HEATHER: Thank you for your helpful suggestions. Although end-of-life issues can be hard to read about, let alone difficult to deal with, many readers offered to share personal experiences. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Some of my mother's most cherished last days were spent with friends who dropped by to visit. They brought stories about work, other friends and current events, and once beyond the "I'm sorry you're sick" sentiment, found ways to have normal conversations.

The most cherished thing you can bring is your friendship, but calling ahead to see if there's anything the patient or caregiver needs would also be appreciated.

My sisters and I will be forever grateful to the wonderful friends who made our mother's last days special. -- PROFOUNDLY GRATEFUL IN FORT COLLINS

DEAR ABBY: In your response to "Wants to Reach Out," you said that hospice is not a place, but rather an at-home care program. That is not entirely correct. In addition to home care, there are hospice care facilities, and they provide a wonderful service to many families dealing with death.

Our local facility has 12 rooms and daybeds in each one, so at least one of us was able to be with our father 24/7 during his final illness. Staff and volunteers were compassionate, gentle and professional. They were respectful to Dad and helped us in many ways.

Our mother had hospice care at home 15 years ago, which helped us immeasurably, but the hospice care facility has taken the hospice concept to the next level and is worthy of all the positive attention that can be bestowed. The 12 rooms are "homier" than a hospital's, have cheery halls with beautiful memorials overlooking serene gardens, and open patios where pets can be brought.

The wonderful hospice workers deserve our support for their ongoing ministry of kindness and comfort. -- SUSAN L., BRIDGETON, N.C.

DEAR SUSAN: Thank you for correcting me. In my zeal to praise the services of in-home hospice care workers, I did neglect to mention that hospice can also be a place where terminal patients can be cared for when hospital treatment is no longer going to heal them.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with a married man who is addicted to any drug, legal or otherwise, that he can possibly get his hands on. He's a kindergarten teacher and also a licensed boat captain.

I am concerned that he is abusive to his students, works while high, and even fell asleep while driving a commercial dinner cruise. He gets mad at me when I refuse to be "his drug," claiming that my refusal is the reason he cannot stop using.

Today I changed my cell phone number because I am so fed up with his dirty lifestyle and don't want it around my family. He takes kickbacks from prostitutes for helping them find "johns" and for the use of his boat to do their business. He is around such seedy people that I'm a little concerned about retribution for backing out.

I want to move forward with my business and live a cleaner life than this. Am I wrong for judging him? -- "LAURA" IN THE SUNSHINE STATE

DEAR "LAURA": Are you wrong for judging him? What took you so long? You knew you were in a relationship with a married man -- and it boggles my mind that a substance abuser would hold a position of trust around children or as a boat captain.

For everyone's safety -- including your own -- he should be reported to the authorities.

DEAR ABBY: This is the scenario: A few friends were exchanging gifts and having a dinner party. During dinner, some decorations around a candle caught fire and a few gifts burned before the fire was discovered. One of them was my gift to a friend who was attending the dinner.

Should I buy another gift to give my friend? What would be the right thing to do? -- UNSURE IN VIENNA, VA.

DEAR UNSURE: Thank you for asking me that question, because although it may seem trivial to some readers, it touches on an extremely important subject: fire safety.

In recent years, candles have become common decorating accessories, and no one should ever forget how dangerous they can be when left unattended -- or too near flammable materials. You and the other guests are lucky that only a few gifts were lost that evening.

You are under no obligation to purchase a replacement gift for your friend. Once the gift was brought to the party, it became the responsibility of the recipient, or the host/hostess.

DEAR ABBY: While eating in a restaurant today, I encountered a piece of coiled metal (maybe from the top of an opened can?) in my rice. I was terribly alarmed and slid my dish to the side, having lost my appetite.

When the waitress came back to the table, I showed the piece of metal to her. She apologized and started to take my plate away, but my friend stopped her and said: "Oh, wrap the rest of that up. I'll take it home. I'm not so particular." I was shocked, to say the least.

The restaurant took the price of my lunch off the bill, but I was stunned that my friend would take home the rest of a dish that had a foreign object in it. Am I "too particular"? -- "FINICKY" IN EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR "FINICKY": You were being prudent, not "particular" (or finicky) when you rejected the dish with the piece of metal in it. There could have been more metal shavings in the food, which could have caused a severe medical problem.

Someone should inform your friend that there really is no free lunch, and he or she was taking foolish chances taking the dish home.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)