DEAR ABBY: I loved your response to "Wants to Reach Out in Boulder" (Jan. 8), who asked what to say to someone with a terminal illness.

When my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, many of her friends and family disappeared, and Mom felt sad and abandoned by the people she loved. The few that did make an attempt to come around would often burst into tears, which was upsetting for her.

Rule 1: When you visit someone who is terminally ill, please keep your emotions in check and keep it light. What Mom appreciated most was laughter.

Rule 2: References to the person "being in heaven soon" are also not particularly welcome, unless you know the person well enough to know he or she shares your religious beliefs.

Rule 3: When death is imminent, gifts of food might not be appreciated, and large floral arrangements can actually be frightening.

Rule 4: If possible, and you can deal with it, try to do something helpful. One friend of Mother's who was a former nurse would rub lotion on her hands, wash her face, etc. Another would read to her every day -- light reading only, please!

Rule 5: When in doubt, the best thing to do is MAKE THAT VISIT. -- HEATHER IN BUENA VISTA, COLO.

DEAR HEATHER: Thank you for your helpful suggestions. Although end-of-life issues can be hard to read about, let alone difficult to deal with, many readers offered to share personal experiences. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Some of my mother's most cherished last days were spent with friends who dropped by to visit. They brought stories about work, other friends and current events, and once beyond the "I'm sorry you're sick" sentiment, found ways to have normal conversations.

The most cherished thing you can bring is your friendship, but calling ahead to see if there's anything the patient or caregiver needs would also be appreciated.

My sisters and I will be forever grateful to the wonderful friends who made our mother's last days special. -- PROFOUNDLY GRATEFUL IN FORT COLLINS

DEAR ABBY: In your response to "Wants to Reach Out," you said that hospice is not a place, but rather an at-home care program. That is not entirely correct. In addition to home care, there are hospice care facilities, and they provide a wonderful service to many families dealing with death.

Our local facility has 12 rooms and daybeds in each one, so at least one of us was able to be with our father 24/7 during his final illness. Staff and volunteers were compassionate, gentle and professional. They were respectful to Dad and helped us in many ways.

Our mother had hospice care at home 15 years ago, which helped us immeasurably, but the hospice care facility has taken the hospice concept to the next level and is worthy of all the positive attention that can be bestowed. The 12 rooms are "homier" than a hospital's, have cheery halls with beautiful memorials overlooking serene gardens, and open patios where pets can be brought.

The wonderful hospice workers deserve our support for their ongoing ministry of kindness and comfort. -- SUSAN L., BRIDGETON, N.C.

DEAR SUSAN: Thank you for correcting me. In my zeal to praise the services of in-home hospice care workers, I did neglect to mention that hospice can also be a place where terminal patients can be cared for when hospital treatment is no longer going to heal them.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with a married man who is addicted to any drug, legal or otherwise, that he can possibly get his hands on. He's a kindergarten teacher and also a licensed boat captain.

I am concerned that he is abusive to his students, works while high, and even fell asleep while driving a commercial dinner cruise. He gets mad at me when I refuse to be "his drug," claiming that my refusal is the reason he cannot stop using.

Today I changed my cell phone number because I am so fed up with his dirty lifestyle and don't want it around my family. He takes kickbacks from prostitutes for helping them find "johns" and for the use of his boat to do their business. He is around such seedy people that I'm a little concerned about retribution for backing out.

I want to move forward with my business and live a cleaner life than this. Am I wrong for judging him? -- "LAURA" IN THE SUNSHINE STATE

DEAR "LAURA": Are you wrong for judging him? What took you so long? You knew you were in a relationship with a married man -- and it boggles my mind that a substance abuser would hold a position of trust around children or as a boat captain.

For everyone's safety -- including your own -- he should be reported to the authorities.

DEAR ABBY: This is the scenario: A few friends were exchanging gifts and having a dinner party. During dinner, some decorations around a candle caught fire and a few gifts burned before the fire was discovered. One of them was my gift to a friend who was attending the dinner.

Should I buy another gift to give my friend? What would be the right thing to do? -- UNSURE IN VIENNA, VA.

DEAR UNSURE: Thank you for asking me that question, because although it may seem trivial to some readers, it touches on an extremely important subject: fire safety.

In recent years, candles have become common decorating accessories, and no one should ever forget how dangerous they can be when left unattended -- or too near flammable materials. You and the other guests are lucky that only a few gifts were lost that evening.

You are under no obligation to purchase a replacement gift for your friend. Once the gift was brought to the party, it became the responsibility of the recipient, or the host/hostess.

DEAR ABBY: While eating in a restaurant today, I encountered a piece of coiled metal (maybe from the top of an opened can?) in my rice. I was terribly alarmed and slid my dish to the side, having lost my appetite.

When the waitress came back to the table, I showed the piece of metal to her. She apologized and started to take my plate away, but my friend stopped her and said: "Oh, wrap the rest of that up. I'll take it home. I'm not so particular." I was shocked, to say the least.

The restaurant took the price of my lunch off the bill, but I was stunned that my friend would take home the rest of a dish that had a foreign object in it. Am I "too particular"? -- "FINICKY" IN EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR "FINICKY": You were being prudent, not "particular" (or finicky) when you rejected the dish with the piece of metal in it. There could have been more metal shavings in the food, which could have caused a severe medical problem.

Someone should inform your friend that there really is no free lunch, and he or she was taking foolish chances taking the dish home.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: When I first read the letter from "Wounded Bride" (Jan. 6), whose father left immediately after her wedding ceremony to watch a football game on television, I thought, "What an insensitive, inconsiderate boor!" However, when I saw the signature, "Wounded Bride in Nebraska," I laughed.

I was born and raised in Nebraska. The percentage of the population in Nebraska who are not obsessed with football is definitely in the minority. It has reached the point where weddings, birthday celebrations, anniversaries -- even women's C-sections -- are planned around the Cornhuskers' schedule.

This may seem ridiculous and juvenile, but it's the reality if you choose to live in Nebraska. What her father did was wrong, yet he probably was never taught anything different. I'd cut the guy some slack. -- REFORMED CORNHUSKER FAN, NOW IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR REFORMED: I told "Wounded Bride" (in essence) that her father might have been trying to send her a message about his feelings about her marriage, but she should try to forgive him and concentrate on building a successful life with her spouse. Of course, when I penned my answer, I had no idea how pervasive football fanaticism has become. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Although I feel her pain, I had to chuckle. We just moved back to Colorado from Nebraska, and believe me when I say that "Husker" is the state religion.

Some close friends recently planned the marriage of their son around the Cornhuskers' football schedule, and another friend was late to his own wedding because he was watching "the game."

"Wounded Bride's" father is just a typical Husker fan. -- BRENDA IN AURORA, COLO.

DEAR ABBY: It was the bride's own fault for scheduling her wedding during a game-day Saturday. Having grown up in Nebraska, I can tell you there are Catholic priests and Protestant ministers who refuse to perform weddings on game day. Repairmen refuse to come until the game is over. My wife is a nurse, and when she worked in the hospitals there, she knew of doctors who put off patients until the game was over. Nothing in Nebraska is more important -- at least in their minds. It's actually one of the reasons we moved away. -- FORMER NEBRASKAN IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: My in-laws' anniversary was in the fall, and we had to plan their 60th on a weekend other than game day or many guests would not have come. Heck, my father-in-law might not have come! They played the Nebraska fight song at his funeral, and everyone cried. -- HUSKER FAN, ROCKLIN, CALIF.

DEAR READERS: In fairness, it isn't just Nebraska football fans. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The only day we could have our wedding was the day of the Pitt-Penn State game -- a big deal here in western Pennsylvania. At our reception, those guests who weren't in the bar glued to the TV had headphones plugged into their ears, either cheering or groaning at inappropriate times. -- MARTHA IN CHICORA, PA.

DEAR ABBY: Brides-to-be in Oklahoma who schedule their weddings on an Oklahoma University Sooner game-day Saturday can expect low attendance. It may not be right, but it's true. -- SOONER FAN IN OKLAHOMA CITY

DEAR ABBY: In Texas, we schedule funerals so as not to interfere with our college football games. That bride knew her father's habits. She should have had the wedding on a different date. -- ANOTHER FATHER'S OPINION

DEAR ABBY: "Wounded Bride" should take comfort in the fact that what goes around comes around. Nebraska lost! -- AUBURN WAR EAGLE

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)