DEAR ABBY: You advised "Wondering in Concord, N.H." (Dec. 29) that "as long as the flag is treated with respect -- taken down at night, and not allowed to become tattered and faded because of exposure to the elements -- it would be a loving tribute to (her) friend if it were displayed."

Although I could not find it in any flag etiquette site, it is customary that a flag used on a casket never be unfolded. It was folded and presented as an honor to the deceased soldier/Marine and should be unfolded only by God. This is a sentimental tradition, not a rule or law.

My husband has the flag that draped his brother's casket. He would probably kill before he would let someone unfold it. -- DAWN IN HAMPTON, ILL.

DEAR DAWN: If I was incorrect in my reply, thank you for correcting me. However, you are not the only reader who wanted to weigh in on this subject, and the suggestions I have received are varied. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I belong to three veterans organizations. Most veteran posts, American Legion, AMVETS, Disabled American Veterans and Veterans of Foreign Wars will take a memorial flag and either fly it or dispose of it properly. -- ROBERT O., RICE LAKE, WIS.

DEAR ABBY: A better answer to "Wondering" would be to buy a triangular display case and place the very important gift of the American flag from the friend on the mantel or a table in his/her home. What a topic of conversation it would become in memory of a dear friend. -- RESPECTFUL IN OHIO

DEAR ABBY: "Wondering" could, if she so desires, donate the flag to a military cemetery. In Battle Creek, Mich., we have Fort Custer, a veterans cemetery, and I donated the flag given to me at my grandfather's funeral to it. There is an "Avenue of Flags" as you enter the cemetery, and it's a very moving sight to see all these flags flying in the breeze, knowing that people gave their lives for them. -- SANDY E., KALAMAZOO, MICH.

DEAR ABBY: After my father died, my mother donated his flag to a local memorial cemetery. Every Memorial Day the flags are brought out, pressed, and hung on flagpoles lining the driveways and walkways.

Friends, family and the community are invited to a memorial service for all of our fallen men and women. Some come alone; others have family gatherings under the flags.

My father's flag has flown every Memorial Day for the last 23 years. It's a great way to pay tribute and very reassuring to know his flag is being cared for properly. -- VETERAN'S DAUGHTER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: As someone who is currently in the military and deeply rooted in its culture, I have to disagree with your answer to "Wondering in Concord, N.H."

Flags given at a memorial service signify something that goes above and beyond the meaning of an ordinary flag. It is not uncommon, and usually considered a special tribute, for them to be flown for a day over special locations in memory of that individual.

However, it is not appropriate for memorial flags to be used in a daily capacity, and certainly should not be flown over the house of someone who, in all likelihood, didn't know the person. That would be like using someone's tombstone because you needed a big rock for something.

Although the flag itself is just cloth, it symbolizes that the individual made a huge sacrifice of him- or herself that everyone in this country benefits from. If all they need is a flag, I will gladly buy them one in exchange for the honor of caring for the flag of a fallen brother. -- DEVLIN B., SNEADS FERRY, N.C.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am writing on behalf of my friends at work. We have a co-worker, "Madge," who had a stillborn baby last year. It was tragic. Our problem is, she keeps a photo of the deceased infant with its little eyes sewn shut on her desk in plain view, so that if we must interact with her (we have an open cubicle layout) we have to see it.

Is this appropriate? Ninety percent of the employees here are women. Most are appalled. Others say, "Well, it's all she has."

Madge is expecting again, and we are rooting for her and the baby. However, in addition to all this, she is mean and gossipy. Madge tells everyone what to do and how to do it -- which is not in her job description. I hope that when the baby arrives she will soften and not be so bitter. But, Abby, how on earth do we blow off that photo? -- APPALLED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR APPALLED: While a person's desktop is usually private territory, I agree that the photograph you describe is inappropriate in an office environment. Because Madge feels the need to keep the picture of her stillborn baby close, it should be kept in her purse with other family photos, or in her desk drawer.

How very sad that poor woman must be. The person who should deal with this delicate problem is the boss or the supervisor.

DEAR ABBY: How do I overcome my insecurity issues? I have been insecure all my life. I have always felt fat, ugly, unacceptable and worthless (among other things).

A couple of years ago, I appeared on a popular reality makeover television show. I thought it would solve everything, but inside I am still all messed up. How do I get past all my past hurts and move on to a healthy, less stressful life? -- STILL HURTING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR STILL HURTING: When people feel fat, ugly, unacceptable and worthless (among other things), it often goes back to the way they were brought up -- and lack of support from their parents. You can heal what is hurting you, but you must recognize that, unlike plastic surgery, there are no "quick fixes" for what ails you.

You will find the answers you are seeking by consulting a licensed, experienced psychotherapist. I hope you will ask your physician for a referral as soon as you finish this letter. You have a right to be happy, so please don't put it off.

DEAR ABBY: I feel like I have struck gold. Please tell your female readers, if they are over 40 and looking for a man, to head to their local diner for breakfast. Last week I found myself to be one of only two women (and she was with her husband) out of 15 people eating breakfast. Apparently, men meet weekly for breakfast.

I'm sure if women made a habit of going to the restaurant, the waitresses would get to know them and would be thrilled to introduce them to some of the single men who come in. Women love to play Cupid.

Also, be sure to sit at the counter. It's easier to approach someone sitting at the counter than someone sitting in a booth. -- EATING SINGLE BUT NOT ALONE IN OHIO

DEAR EATING SINGLE: I am frequently asked by members of both sexes where to meet someone eligible. You have offered a good suggestion, and although romance is not usually on the menu in such establishments, with Valentine's Day approaching, I am pleased to pass this along.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: My 19-year-old daughter is in her sophomore year of college and doing well. The problem is, I believe that she is a "binge" drinker and going downhill. I am trying to make her go to counseling and AA, but I'm not sure she will. She is currently attending a local junior college, but will finish in May.

She wants me to send her to a university about two hours away from home. I just do not think I should, because even though she's under my supervision right now, she still gets into trouble with drinking. I can't imagine what she would do without any adult supervision.

She says she needs to get away from the "bad influence" of her friends here. I believe that if she goes, she will find new "bad influence" friends and still not have the common sense to not drink so much.

I am not being an overprotective mother. I just spent the night in the emergency room with her because she had alcohol poisoning. -- WORRIED ABOUT MY DAUGHTER IN TEXAS

DEAR WORRIED: It appears you are worried about your daughter for good reason. However, it's time to face up to the fact that a parent can protect her child for only so long. If a near-death experience from alcohol poisoning hasn't taught her that she should not have more than two drinks in an evening, there is little more you can do.

I do have a suggestion, however. Make a deal with her. If she gets a job and goes to AA for one year, you will then allow her to go away to finish her education. By then, she will understand what a serious problem drinking can be -- and have some tools to avoid it. I can't guarantee that it will keep her sober, but it would be a start.

DEAR ABBY: I am currently married to a man I was married to for 10 years. We were divorced for about seven months and decided we wanted to remarry. We have been remarried for a year, and there are a lot of trust issues -- not on my part, but on his. He says I cheated on our last marriage, which I did not, but changing his mind was impossible and that's the reason he's insecure. However, our latest issue is just too crazy.

I recently started writing to a step-cousin who is incarcerated. The cousin made the comment in one of his letters that he didn't know if it was because we were writing each other so often or what, but he found himself dreaming of smelling my perfume and rubbing against my skin. My husband is now asking for a divorce. Am I being irrational in saying this man is incarcerated, and it would be foolish to want someone who will not be "free" for the next 12 to 15 years? -- INNOCENT IN BELLEVUE, NEB.

DEAR INNOCENT: You appear to be both kindhearted and naive. When your step-cousin said what he did in his letter, he was telling you that he was having fantasies of a sexual nature that involve you. He was also trying to initiate a similar kind of response from you. Regardless of the fact that your "pen" pal is behind bars, your husband finds this upsetting -- and frankly, I can see his point. My advice is to work on salvaging your marriage and forgo the correspondence.

DEAR ABBY: Is it improper to wash kitchen cloths with the rest of your personal items and towels? -- INQUISITIVE MOTHER IN GEORGIA

DEAR INQUISITIVE MOTHER: As far as I'm concerned, a wash is a wash is a wash. That is, unless the items are white or "linty," in which they should be washed separately.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)