DEAR ABBY: My 19-year-old daughter is in her sophomore year of college and doing well. The problem is, I believe that she is a "binge" drinker and going downhill. I am trying to make her go to counseling and AA, but I'm not sure she will. She is currently attending a local junior college, but will finish in May.

She wants me to send her to a university about two hours away from home. I just do not think I should, because even though she's under my supervision right now, she still gets into trouble with drinking. I can't imagine what she would do without any adult supervision.

She says she needs to get away from the "bad influence" of her friends here. I believe that if she goes, she will find new "bad influence" friends and still not have the common sense to not drink so much.

I am not being an overprotective mother. I just spent the night in the emergency room with her because she had alcohol poisoning. -- WORRIED ABOUT MY DAUGHTER IN TEXAS

DEAR WORRIED: It appears you are worried about your daughter for good reason. However, it's time to face up to the fact that a parent can protect her child for only so long. If a near-death experience from alcohol poisoning hasn't taught her that she should not have more than two drinks in an evening, there is little more you can do.

I do have a suggestion, however. Make a deal with her. If she gets a job and goes to AA for one year, you will then allow her to go away to finish her education. By then, she will understand what a serious problem drinking can be -- and have some tools to avoid it. I can't guarantee that it will keep her sober, but it would be a start.

DEAR ABBY: I am currently married to a man I was married to for 10 years. We were divorced for about seven months and decided we wanted to remarry. We have been remarried for a year, and there are a lot of trust issues -- not on my part, but on his. He says I cheated on our last marriage, which I did not, but changing his mind was impossible and that's the reason he's insecure. However, our latest issue is just too crazy.

I recently started writing to a step-cousin who is incarcerated. The cousin made the comment in one of his letters that he didn't know if it was because we were writing each other so often or what, but he found himself dreaming of smelling my perfume and rubbing against my skin. My husband is now asking for a divorce. Am I being irrational in saying this man is incarcerated, and it would be foolish to want someone who will not be "free" for the next 12 to 15 years? -- INNOCENT IN BELLEVUE, NEB.

DEAR INNOCENT: You appear to be both kindhearted and naive. When your step-cousin said what he did in his letter, he was telling you that he was having fantasies of a sexual nature that involve you. He was also trying to initiate a similar kind of response from you. Regardless of the fact that your "pen" pal is behind bars, your husband finds this upsetting -- and frankly, I can see his point. My advice is to work on salvaging your marriage and forgo the correspondence.

DEAR ABBY: Is it improper to wash kitchen cloths with the rest of your personal items and towels? -- INQUISITIVE MOTHER IN GEORGIA

DEAR INQUISITIVE MOTHER: As far as I'm concerned, a wash is a wash is a wash. That is, unless the items are white or "linty," in which they should be washed separately.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My son recently got in touch with me after almost four years of absolutely no contact. We had a falling-out years back, and neither of us could seem to put things behind us at the time and move on.

His mother (my wife) died 3 1/2 years ago, and he barely made it back for the funeral.

He called after all this time to ask me for money. It seems he has fallen on hard times and needs my support. I am not sure I am in a position financially to help him, as I am nearing retirement and concerned about my own expenses. I also feel a little resentful that after all this time, the only reason he called was for money.

I'm afraid if I don't help him, I will lose him forever. But should I give him money as a way to keep him in my life? I am torn about the situation. I want to be a good father and help my son, but what does that mean? -- UNSURE IN NEW YORK

DEAR UNSURE: If your son is without a job, help him find one if you can. But do not jeopardize your retirement. Much as one might wish it, money can't buy love. Until you and your son iron out what went wrong in your relationship, such an investment would not bring you the return you are looking for.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for three years and had our first child 10 months ago. The problem is, his parents want to come and visit us at least once a month. They live six hours away.

It wouldn't be so bad, except our house is very small and has only one bathroom. It's very uncomfortable to share a bathroom with your in-laws. My husband doesn't see my point of view. He believes I am just being hateful and do not like his parents! I don't know what to do. I just can't take these monthly visits much longer. Please help me. -- TRAPPED IN ATLANTA

DEAR TRAPPED: If you do not stand up for yourself now, this could continue until your child is in college. It's time for a frank chat with your mother-in-law. Tell her that while you love her and welcome her and "Dad's" involvement with the grandbaby, you would all be more comfortable if they stayed in a nearby hotel/motel.

P.S. Of course, the same rule should apply to your parents when they come to visit.

DEAR ABBY: How do you make yourself like somebody if you don't like them, but want to like them?

Here's the situation. I am 15 and have a stepsister the same age. We have been stepsisters for two years. We have never gotten along and have never liked each other. Usually, when you won't like somebody you can just avoid the person, but we have to be together and share a room every other weekend when I go to my dad's for visitation, and it would be a lot nicer if we liked each other.

It's not that either of us is a bad person -- it's more of a personality conflict. How can I get myself to like her and get her to like me? -- KANSAS CITY STEPSISTER

DEAR STEPSISTER: You are asking about the art of diplomacy and negotiation. Here's how it works. First, you find something the two of you can agree on. (Example: I love my father. You love your mother. We both want them to be happy, don't we?) And work from there. Anything you can agree on, you take off the table. What you can't agree on, try to compromise. This takes practice, but it is a valuable tool once you master it and will serve you well all your life.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My granddaughter, "Tiffany," quit school at 16 because she didn't like her teachers, and "all the kids did drugs." She got a job as a maid, then quit. She got the job back and was fired. She went to work in a restaurant. It lasted three days -- you get the picture.

Tiffany has lived with various pregnant girlfriends on their child support money until the inevitable squabble occurs and she's kicked out. She has tried cigarettes, alcohol and various drugs -- and is currently "dating" a prisoner who is on work release and with whom she plans to live with when he's released from jail. She's 19; he's 32. He has been in prison or jail twice, the last time for nine years. He has two illegitimate children in New York, so we assume he's unmarried.

Tiffany wants us to welcome him into the family with open arms, even though she won't tell us his name or why he went to jail the first or second time. She refuses to listen to anyone. Should we give up on her and disinherit her, or keep trying to persuade her out of this ridiculous relationship? -- LOVING GRANDPARENTS IN IDAHO

DEAR LOVING GRANDPARENTS: You have my sympathy. Not only does Tiffany appear to be intellectually challenged, it appears she has never outgrown the rebellious stage. Are you sure you can't ascertain the identity of the new boyfriend, because I am sure the authorities would like to know that he has been "dating" while on work release, since it's not what the program is intended for.

As for what to do about your granddaughter: Some people need to learn their life lessons the hard way, and Tiffany appears to fall into that category. However, rather than disinheriting her, consult an attorney who specializes in wills and trusts to see how some money could be put aside to be doled out in the future, should she mature sufficiently to want to complete her education.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 15-year-old girl who is confused. My family moved to Montana six years ago, and a couple of years after we moved here my father had an affair. My parents split up for a while, then got back together. Then Dad became an alcoholic and tried to hurt my sister. That's when Mom kicked him out for good.

Not long after that, he found a girlfriend. At Christmas he got very drunk and tried to hurt the girlfriend. Thanks to my sister's amazingly brave actions, she managed to save the girlfriend.

Dad and this woman are still together, and he still drinks. He is very hard-headed. He thinks my sister is a "rebel" who tries to make him angry. Actually she's a nice person who has thoughts and opinions of her own.

Every time I go to my dad's, I have to act like a different person so he doesn't do what he did last Christmas. I do not have the guts to do what my sister did. Is it wrong to agree with my father to keep him happy? Should I disagree if I think he's wrong? -- CONFUSED IN MONTANA

DEAR CONFUSED: Considering the fact that your father can become violent, you should do whatever is necessary to protect yourself. What I cannot understand is why your mother would allow you to go to your father's for unsupervised visits, considering the fact that he is so unstable. If the reason has to do with child custody and the terms of their divorce, this should be discussed with her lawyer. Enough is enough.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

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