DEAR ABBY: I couldn't believe my eyes when I read your reply to "Second-Guessing Myself in S.C." (Dec. 18), who reported her son and his friends for getting high on campus. You said she should have informed the boys' parents so they had the option of dealing with the matter themselves -- and she owed those parents an apology.

As a drug prevention professional, I know that "Second-Guessing" was correct! Drug use is unlikely to stop unless there is an intervention. At the school where I work, a suspension for substance abuse is followed by a mandatory use assessment and, if recommended, substance abuse education and/or counseling. The anger that the friends' parents directed toward the writer of that letter needs to be seen for what it is -- enabling. If those boys were caught high on a job, they'd be fired.

Please let your readers know that you made a mistake. Encourage parents to take a stand, talk with their children often about the dangers of drugs, and let their children know that if they use drugs, they'll be held fully accountable. -- MIDDLE SCHOOL DRUG PREVENTION SPECIALIST, FAIRBANKS, ALASKA

DEAR DRUG PREVENTION SPECIALIST: Perhaps this column can be used as a starting point for that conversation. A lot of folks were upset about my response to that letter, in which I told the writer I thought she had jumped the gun in reporting the problem to the school administration, and that she owed those parents an apology for jumping the gun. What I failed to take into consideration was that teachers are mandated by law to report anything they see that they know to be against the law. Mea culpa! Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Would you have criticized that parent if the students were driving drunk? Shoplifting? Committing acts of vandalism? I think she should have reported them to the police as well as the school.

That the other parents were upset because their children were punished administratively is one of the reasons that so many kids get into trouble today. Their parents excuse the misdeed and fault the person who does take some positive action. Certainly, I expect parents to stand by their kids when they're in trouble, but being supportive does not mean excusing or covering up illegal behavior. Students need to learn accountability for their misdeeds, and not expect parents to bail (no pun intended) them out of their wrongdoings. -- RETIRED STATE TROOPER, ALLENTOWN, PA.

DEAR ABBY: As the mother of a boy who died of a drug overdose, I reacted strongly to your answer to "Second-Guessing Myself."

Those teens were breaking the law, and eventually their drug use could result in their own, or someone else's, death. Those students were using illegal drugs on school grounds. That mother did her son a favor by not putting him in a position where he had to rat on his friends, and believe me, the police would have put plenty of pressure on him to do so.

They did the crime. They need to be responsible for their behavior. She did the right thing. -- STILL GRIEVING IN THE EAST

DEAR ABBY: The teaching profession is ruled by a strict ethical code. Failure to report any illegal activity, whether it involves your child or the children of your friends, and whether it occurs at your school or not, can result in the loss of your teaching certificate and expose you to liability.

As a high school teacher, I all too often see children destroyed by parents who choose to "handle things themselves," which typically means they handle nothing at all. Parents who "help" their children by protecting them from the consequences of their actions in truth do them harm. This world would be a far better place if there were more mothers like the writer of that letter. -- MEREDITH IN THOMASTON, GA.

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DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Ted," and I recently met an attractive girl I'll call "Bridget." Ted was married and suggested I date Bridget. Within a few days, before I got up the nerve to ask her on a date, Ted broke up with his wife, moved in with me and started seeing Bridget.

This was awkward, but in addition, Bridget started making sexual advances toward me. Unfortunately, I didn't have the wisdom to keep away from her. Although we didn't have sex, I was closer to her than I should have been to my best friend's girl. Ted knows about it, and now ensures that Bridget and I are never alone together. He constantly worries about the situation, and it is interfering with his job.

I believe he wants to break up with her, but he's afraid I will date her. I agreed with his suggestion that we both stop talking to her, but they are still dating. She continues to flirt with me every time he leaves the room, and I am defenseless against a pretty woman. Bridget says she likes me, but she loves Ted. She clearly has some attachment issues. I would love to talk to her about them and help her.

I think Ted and I both have strong feelings for her. What should we do? Neither of us can resist when she cries or wants something. -- STUCK IN THE MIDDLE

DEAR STUCK: You are not helpless. Find your backbone, start using your head, and thank your lucky stars that Bridget "loves" Ted. If you were in his shoes, YOU would be the one constantly worried about who she was coming on to the minute your back was turned.

Bridget appears to use sex as a way of getting attention and validation. It's a problem that's beyond your expertise to fix -- and also mine. She may need professional counseling, or a self-help group for sexually compulsive people, once she finally admits she has a problem.

The best way I know to avoid temptation is to avoid tempting situations. In your case, that means spending as little time in Bridget's presence as possible.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law, "Shirley," is a dear, sweet, caring and generous person. Therein lies the problem.

Each time she comes to visit, she brings things for the apartment. "Jasper" (her son) and I live in a small renovated loft. We both prefer a minimalist look, with just a few decorative items: a museum poster or something that an artist friend created.

Shirley loves craftsy, cutesy, cottage and country-style things. (To me, her home is cluttered with all of her "collections.") The things she brings us look completely out of place in our apartment.

I'm sure other people encounter this problem, too. What do we do with all the stuff she brings? And how do we convince her that, while she's entitled to her own preferences, they are not ours? -- HATES DUST-CATCHERS IN N. C.

DEAR HATES: Your problem is common. The time to nip it in the bud is now, before the situation becomes any more awkward than it already is. You and Jasper need to have a frank, kind, face-to-face chat with Shirley and let her know that you love her and appreciate her thoughtfulness -- but while some people regard empty space as a vacuum to be filled, others find it restful and serene. You and Jasper fall into the latter category. (Surely, she'll understand.) As for what to do with gifts already received, offer to give them back to her.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 23-year-old woman who has always had a hard time letting people down or saying no. A few months ago, I met a man online who lived across the country, and within a week he was telling me he loved me. I'll admit now that I have some emotional and relationship problems because of my past, and I enjoyed hearing it. In fact, I embraced it and told him I loved him in return. Now that I look at it, I realize I was only in love with the idea of being in love.

We had several problems in the first few days, but we worked them out. Two weeks after he first told me he loved me, he proposed. We had never even met. Being the person I am, I said yes. He told me he was going to buy plane tickets for me, as soon as he could find a place to live. (He was living with his parents.)

I called him later that night to tell him I was deeply sorry, but I could not accept his proposal nor move to be with him. He became irate and told me he had already bought the tickets, and unless I was on that plane he would sue me for the money he'd spent. I feel horrible about it, but he has shown me no proof that he bought them.

Now he's threatening to send some indecent pictures that he somehow managed to get from a past lover of mine to all my family and friends. I'm grateful to have gotten out of this relationship before I made a serious mistake and actually got on that plane. Can he sue me, and how should I deal with his threats about the pictures? -- NOT IN LOVE IN THE USA

DEAR NOT IN LOVE: Your online suitor appears to be both vindictive and an extortionist. Neither is a desirable quality in a mate. Ignore his threats about posting the pictures. You are lucky that your common sense kicked in before things went any further. Can he sue you? If he bought the tickets, he might be able to take you to small claims court.

However, the larger lesson here has to do with the revealing photographs of you that wound up on the Internet in the first place. Let this be a warning to others: The danger in posing for x-rated pictures is that in the cold light of day, they can be a huge embarrassment.

DEAR ABBY: I am 24 years old and have been married five years. My husband, "Richie," and I have known each other for about 15 years. I loved him as a friend, but the older we got, the more his mother pushed us together.

When we married I thought it was a joke. We got in the car to go somewhere, and when I asked where we were going they said to get married. Well, it was not a joke. Neither my mother nor my father was there.

Richie and I fight all the time, and I have reached the point that I don't even want to talk to him. I can't stand him. I have told him I want a divorce, and he tells me he will kill himself. I would hate myself if he did that. We have a 5-month-old baby. I don't want to hurt Richie, but I can't stand to be with him. What should I do? -- SICK AND TIRED IN INDIANA

DEAR SICK AND TIRED: Go home to your parents. It's time you and Richie took a break from each other. While you are there, discuss this with a lawyer. If you married Richie because of coercion or trickery, it's possible your marriage could be annulled. I wish you had written me sooner, because then there might not have been a child involved.

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