DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in our early 30s and we spend a lot of time with three other couples. A few months ago, we went on a picnic at a local park to play ball and have lunch. One man (I'll call him Bill) thought it was funny to pour what was left of a soft drink on one of the wives' head. She and her husband had to leave. It was obvious she couldn't stay with sticky hair and clothing. Bill called them "party-poopers."

Three weeks ago, Bill yanked the cloth off a table that had been set with another of the wives' good dishes. Broken china lay everywhere. That wife was also a "party-pooper" because she didn't think it was funny.

Last weekend there was a pool party. I didn't want to go because I'm not comfortable with the water. My husband promised he'd stay right with me, which he did. However, Bill swam under the water, grabbed both my ankles and yanked me under. I was terrified. I told Bill I never wanted to see him again, and I meant it.

Now his wife, "Nicki," is upset because she found out I had a dinner at my home and didn't invite them. I told her she could come, but I would no longer let her husband near me. I think he needs professional help.

Nicki and I work in the same building, and I see her almost every day. We eat in the building cafeteria, and she's spreading the word that I have caused trouble with their group of friends. She's saying I made a play for her husband and he rejected me, and I'm angry about it. I have not said anything to defend myself. I don't feel the need. But my husband says I should tell the real reason. What do you think? -- THE VICTIM, NOT THE PERP

DEAR VICTIM: I agree with your husband. You have an obligation to protect your reputation, and you should by all means tell the truth -- the whole truth. Bill appears to be a real handful; whatever his problem is, I'll bet this isn't the first time this has happened to that couple. You are wise to avoid them. They both appear to be troubled.

DEAR ABBY: I am in my mid-50s and in a relationship with "Josh," who is 40. We have been seeing each other for three years. We care about each other, but we're both insecure.

Josh looks through my cell phone every chance he gets, even if it's in my purse. This bothers me because I have male friends, but he erased their phone numbers and forbade them to call me. Occasionally, I ask to see his cell phone. Sometimes he'll agree, other times he refuses.

A text message I sent to a friend caused Josh to question my loyalty. In retaliation, I went through some things at his house and questioned his. I have begged him to stop going through my cell phone, but it falls on deaf ears. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. What should I do? -- TREADING LIGHTLY IN DETROIT

DEAR TREADING LIGHTLY: See if Josh cares enough about you to go with you for relationship counseling. You and he appear to feed off each other's insecurity, and that's not healthy for either of you. Don't you realize that you cannot -- nor can he -- compel fidelity? The decision to forgo romantic involvements with others must come from within.

Rummaging through personal papers and cell phone histories accomplishes nothing and only heightens both your anxieties. You could live in a convent and Josh would still suspect you of cheating, because on some level he doesn't feel he's man enough to satisfy you. And it appears you have the same sickness.

On the one hand, you could dump him and end the frustration. On the other hand, because you and Josh have starred in this soap opera for so long, it's possible you are meant for each other.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My next-door neighbors are renovating their house to sell and have installed motion-sensor lights. Unfortunately, their floodlights shine on our deck and hot tub, and have destroyed our privacy. I have spoken to them about it several times. and they turned them off for a while.

Now that they're getting ready to sell, they have turned them back on. Their property is only about 45 feet wide. One light that shines down the center of their property seems sufficient to me. Despite my having talked to them, they seen unconcerned. They say they need them to walk through their property at night, but they don't do it that often.

I don't want to do anything that could escalate into something ugly. Other than politely asking them again to do something about the floods, what's my recourse? They have seen the lights shining on our property and acknowledged that they do shine on our deck and hot tub, but it doesn't seem important to them. I hope you can help. -- BLINDED BY THE LIGHT

DEAR BLINDED: Write your neighbors a nice registered letter and ask them to reposition their sensor lights so that when they go on, they do not illuminate your property. If they ignore you, then consult an attorney. I seriously doubt their property will sell easily if there is the taint of forthcoming litigation.

DEAR ABBY: I have one child, a daughter. When I was divorced, "Maddie" was 17. I have been there for her in good times and bad. She now has three beautiful children.

The problem is Maddie treats me like dirt. She yells at me constantly for stupid reasons, or because she's in a bad mood or maybe had a fight with her boyfriend. I have stopped loaning her money because all I get is empty promises to pay it back.

When things don't go her way, Maddie threatens me with "you won't see your grandkids." She wasn't raised this way, but she is one of the rudest people I know. I cry all the time. I can't sleep, and my nerves are shot. I just don't know how to deal with her anymore.

By the way, my daughter is 25. Because she is my only child, I don't want to lose her or my grandkids. -- HEARTBROKEN MOTHER AND GRANDMA

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Your daughter may be 25, but she appears to have the maturity of a young teenager. It's time to realize that her abusive behavior is having an effect on your health. For your own sake, you must draw the line.

Absence sometimes makes the heart grow fonder, so please step back and devote some time to healing yourself. Spend time with friends, devote some energy to activities that bring you pleasure. I promise, the next time your daughter needs something, you will hear from her, and she'll be reminding you how much your grandchildren "need" to see you, not threatening you with banishment.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 43-year-old woman with a lot of experience in my field of expertise. My problem is, my boss hired a student intern full time. I have been working here four years and, basically, run the store -- opening up, etc. -- but the student is making more money than I do.

What would you do? Move on, or stay and feel unfairly treated? -- THE OLD SHOE

DEAR OLD SHOE: I would certainly explore other employment opportunities. Money talks, and by paying you less than the intern, your boss has sent you a message.

It appears your boss is taking you for granted. But before you leave, have a chat with the boss and give him or her the opportunity to offer you a raise and retain a trusted employee.

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DEAR ABBY: After reading your column this morning (Dec. 9) with the letter from the Arizona substitute teacher, I had to respond. I am also an older substitute teacher with white hair, and I, too, used to be offended when children would ask how old I am.

However, I found that if I seemed offended by the question, the children would be hurt and distant for the rest of the day. When I laughed and said something like, "Oh my, I'm old enough to be your grandmother," or, "Would you believe I'm older than dirt?" the children would laugh with me, and we'd have a positive relationship for the rest of the day.

Substitute teaching is about helping the children to learn and have a good day while their teacher is out, not about making me feel good. When I can no longer laugh and enjoy the children, it's time for me to retire. -- COLORADO SENIOR SUBSTITUTE

DEAR COLORADO SUBSTITUTE: Thank you for weighing in on the issue. I heard from others in the field of education (and out), and all of their input was interesting. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I'm a first-grade teacher and have found that kids come to school unaware of many of life's "rules." I cover the rule about asking your age the first day in my class.

When I introduce myself, I tell the children that I'm a grandma and laughingly tell them that makes me "old." Someone always asks me the question, "How old are you? And that's when I tell them the first of many of life's rules: "There are two things you never ask a woman -- her age and how much she weighs."

The kids always remember this rule, and many have told their parents. If a new student comes to class and asks me how old I am, you can hear the gasps from the other students. Then another child will inform him/her of the rule. Problem solved! -- TEACHER IN OHIO

DEAR ABBY: I started substitute teaching after 35 years in the classroom. Young children have no concept of age. We, as adults, are always asking children their ages, and they are proud to tell us. Telling young children the question is inappropriate sets a double standard.

When I am asked, I always reply, "How old do you think I am?" The answer may be anywhere from 5 to 100. Then I tell them they are close to being right, chuckle to myself and continue with the day's activities. They are happy, no one is offended, and it puts a smile on my face. -- JOAN IN STEWARTSTOWN, PA.

DEAR ABBY: A child who asks the teacher's age is probably too young to understand the word "inappropriate," Abby. I suggest that the teacher respond by saying, "Some people don't like to tell their ages. I'm old enough to know you are special." -- ANGIE IN DAYTON, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: The next time that substitute teacher is asked her age, she should reply, "I have an unlisted number!" -- NANCY IN NORTH PORT, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: When I was asked the same question, I replied, "Twenty-one." (At the time, our daughter was going to college.) Two answers were unique: A 6-year-old girl said, "You were a very young mother." A boy the same age answered, "... and next year you'll be 22." A difference in the male-female brain? - - MARGARET IN GREENVILLE, S.C.

DEAR ABBY: Our youth badly need examples of how people of all ages contribute to making our society a success. That teacher should say, "My dear, it is not always appropriate to ask adults their ages, but I'm 73 and proud to be able to teach."

I am a busy 71-year-old volunteer for Court Appointed Special Advocates (CASA) advocating on behalf of abused and neglected children, and feel honored to have them know there's a grandma out there who cares about them. -- LOUISE IN CONWAY, ARK.

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