DEAR ABBY: My next-door neighbors are renovating their house to sell and have installed motion-sensor lights. Unfortunately, their floodlights shine on our deck and hot tub, and have destroyed our privacy. I have spoken to them about it several times. and they turned them off for a while.

Now that they're getting ready to sell, they have turned them back on. Their property is only about 45 feet wide. One light that shines down the center of their property seems sufficient to me. Despite my having talked to them, they seen unconcerned. They say they need them to walk through their property at night, but they don't do it that often.

I don't want to do anything that could escalate into something ugly. Other than politely asking them again to do something about the floods, what's my recourse? They have seen the lights shining on our property and acknowledged that they do shine on our deck and hot tub, but it doesn't seem important to them. I hope you can help. -- BLINDED BY THE LIGHT

DEAR BLINDED: Write your neighbors a nice registered letter and ask them to reposition their sensor lights so that when they go on, they do not illuminate your property. If they ignore you, then consult an attorney. I seriously doubt their property will sell easily if there is the taint of forthcoming litigation.

DEAR ABBY: I have one child, a daughter. When I was divorced, "Maddie" was 17. I have been there for her in good times and bad. She now has three beautiful children.

The problem is Maddie treats me like dirt. She yells at me constantly for stupid reasons, or because she's in a bad mood or maybe had a fight with her boyfriend. I have stopped loaning her money because all I get is empty promises to pay it back.

When things don't go her way, Maddie threatens me with "you won't see your grandkids." She wasn't raised this way, but she is one of the rudest people I know. I cry all the time. I can't sleep, and my nerves are shot. I just don't know how to deal with her anymore.

By the way, my daughter is 25. Because she is my only child, I don't want to lose her or my grandkids. -- HEARTBROKEN MOTHER AND GRANDMA

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Your daughter may be 25, but she appears to have the maturity of a young teenager. It's time to realize that her abusive behavior is having an effect on your health. For your own sake, you must draw the line.

Absence sometimes makes the heart grow fonder, so please step back and devote some time to healing yourself. Spend time with friends, devote some energy to activities that bring you pleasure. I promise, the next time your daughter needs something, you will hear from her, and she'll be reminding you how much your grandchildren "need" to see you, not threatening you with banishment.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 43-year-old woman with a lot of experience in my field of expertise. My problem is, my boss hired a student intern full time. I have been working here four years and, basically, run the store -- opening up, etc. -- but the student is making more money than I do.

What would you do? Move on, or stay and feel unfairly treated? -- THE OLD SHOE

DEAR OLD SHOE: I would certainly explore other employment opportunities. Money talks, and by paying you less than the intern, your boss has sent you a message.

It appears your boss is taking you for granted. But before you leave, have a chat with the boss and give him or her the opportunity to offer you a raise and retain a trusted employee.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: After reading your column this morning (Dec. 9) with the letter from the Arizona substitute teacher, I had to respond. I am also an older substitute teacher with white hair, and I, too, used to be offended when children would ask how old I am.

However, I found that if I seemed offended by the question, the children would be hurt and distant for the rest of the day. When I laughed and said something like, "Oh my, I'm old enough to be your grandmother," or, "Would you believe I'm older than dirt?" the children would laugh with me, and we'd have a positive relationship for the rest of the day.

Substitute teaching is about helping the children to learn and have a good day while their teacher is out, not about making me feel good. When I can no longer laugh and enjoy the children, it's time for me to retire. -- COLORADO SENIOR SUBSTITUTE

DEAR COLORADO SUBSTITUTE: Thank you for weighing in on the issue. I heard from others in the field of education (and out), and all of their input was interesting. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I'm a first-grade teacher and have found that kids come to school unaware of many of life's "rules." I cover the rule about asking your age the first day in my class.

When I introduce myself, I tell the children that I'm a grandma and laughingly tell them that makes me "old." Someone always asks me the question, "How old are you? And that's when I tell them the first of many of life's rules: "There are two things you never ask a woman -- her age and how much she weighs."

The kids always remember this rule, and many have told their parents. If a new student comes to class and asks me how old I am, you can hear the gasps from the other students. Then another child will inform him/her of the rule. Problem solved! -- TEACHER IN OHIO

DEAR ABBY: I started substitute teaching after 35 years in the classroom. Young children have no concept of age. We, as adults, are always asking children their ages, and they are proud to tell us. Telling young children the question is inappropriate sets a double standard.

When I am asked, I always reply, "How old do you think I am?" The answer may be anywhere from 5 to 100. Then I tell them they are close to being right, chuckle to myself and continue with the day's activities. They are happy, no one is offended, and it puts a smile on my face. -- JOAN IN STEWARTSTOWN, PA.

DEAR ABBY: A child who asks the teacher's age is probably too young to understand the word "inappropriate," Abby. I suggest that the teacher respond by saying, "Some people don't like to tell their ages. I'm old enough to know you are special." -- ANGIE IN DAYTON, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: The next time that substitute teacher is asked her age, she should reply, "I have an unlisted number!" -- NANCY IN NORTH PORT, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: When I was asked the same question, I replied, "Twenty-one." (At the time, our daughter was going to college.) Two answers were unique: A 6-year-old girl said, "You were a very young mother." A boy the same age answered, "... and next year you'll be 22." A difference in the male-female brain? - - MARGARET IN GREENVILLE, S.C.

DEAR ABBY: Our youth badly need examples of how people of all ages contribute to making our society a success. That teacher should say, "My dear, it is not always appropriate to ask adults their ages, but I'm 73 and proud to be able to teach."

I am a busy 71-year-old volunteer for Court Appointed Special Advocates (CASA) advocating on behalf of abused and neglected children, and feel honored to have them know there's a grandma out there who cares about them. -- LOUISE IN CONWAY, ARK.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I know you hear this all the time, but I really can't believe I'm writing to you. I'm a 41-year-old professional man with a great job and a loving family. I have always had a temper, but I'm usually pretty good at keeping it under control. I don't get physical when I'm angry, but I do yell and scream a lot. My wife and teenage daughters get out of my way when I lose it, but I know they're worried about my behavior.

Abby, the holiday season really got to me this year. Some financial bonuses I was expecting didn't come through. The pressure to spend and buy for Christmas was overwhelming, and we ended up spending more than I had planned. Instead of being joyous, the holidays were anything BUT. There was a big blowup, and I said some ugly things to my wife and daughters -- things I deeply regret.

My wife told me that you had written something about anger. Can you tell me what it was and how I can get it? I'm serious about changing my behavior before it escalates. -- JAMES IN FORT WAYNE, IND.

DEAR JAMES: I congratulate you for recognizing that you have a problem and for deciding to do something about it. I'm pleased that you are not one of those who become physical when pressure or frustration build to the breaking point.

However, it is important that you get to the triggers that cause you to become verbally abusive to your family, because the damage caused by hurtful words can last a lifetime.

My booklet, "The Anger in All of Us, and How to Deal With It," contains tips and insights that should be helpful for you in redirecting those unhealthy habits into acceptable ways of expressing your emotions. You can order it by sending a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.

Anger can be a healthy emotion -- but not if the anger is controlling you and hurting the people you love.

DEAR ABBY: I accidentally found out that my husband had bought a cell phone for another woman (on OUR family plan!) and has been calling her three to five times a day, sometimes hiding in our garage or waiting until I leave the house on an errand.

Also, he has been baby-sitting her son in his office every day after school. Abby, this woman does not even have a job. She is just too lazy to pick up her kid.

I told him to get rid of her or I am leaving. Am I being unreasonable? -- FURIOUS IN DAYTON, MINN.

DEAR FURIOUS: Unreasonable? Not at all. Pragmatic, absolutely. Unless your philandering spouse is willing to forgo the other woman and work on healing your relationship, your marriage appears to be over.

It is quite unusual for a man to baby-sit someone else's child the way your husband has been doing. Has it occurred to you that her child might also be his? Check it out. You deserve to know the truth.