DEAR ABBY: After reading your column this morning (Dec. 9) with the letter from the Arizona substitute teacher, I had to respond. I am also an older substitute teacher with white hair, and I, too, used to be offended when children would ask how old I am.

However, I found that if I seemed offended by the question, the children would be hurt and distant for the rest of the day. When I laughed and said something like, "Oh my, I'm old enough to be your grandmother," or, "Would you believe I'm older than dirt?" the children would laugh with me, and we'd have a positive relationship for the rest of the day.

Substitute teaching is about helping the children to learn and have a good day while their teacher is out, not about making me feel good. When I can no longer laugh and enjoy the children, it's time for me to retire. -- COLORADO SENIOR SUBSTITUTE

DEAR COLORADO SUBSTITUTE: Thank you for weighing in on the issue. I heard from others in the field of education (and out), and all of their input was interesting. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I'm a first-grade teacher and have found that kids come to school unaware of many of life's "rules." I cover the rule about asking your age the first day in my class.

When I introduce myself, I tell the children that I'm a grandma and laughingly tell them that makes me "old." Someone always asks me the question, "How old are you? And that's when I tell them the first of many of life's rules: "There are two things you never ask a woman -- her age and how much she weighs."

The kids always remember this rule, and many have told their parents. If a new student comes to class and asks me how old I am, you can hear the gasps from the other students. Then another child will inform him/her of the rule. Problem solved! -- TEACHER IN OHIO

DEAR ABBY: I started substitute teaching after 35 years in the classroom. Young children have no concept of age. We, as adults, are always asking children their ages, and they are proud to tell us. Telling young children the question is inappropriate sets a double standard.

When I am asked, I always reply, "How old do you think I am?" The answer may be anywhere from 5 to 100. Then I tell them they are close to being right, chuckle to myself and continue with the day's activities. They are happy, no one is offended, and it puts a smile on my face. -- JOAN IN STEWARTSTOWN, PA.

DEAR ABBY: A child who asks the teacher's age is probably too young to understand the word "inappropriate," Abby. I suggest that the teacher respond by saying, "Some people don't like to tell their ages. I'm old enough to know you are special." -- ANGIE IN DAYTON, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: The next time that substitute teacher is asked her age, she should reply, "I have an unlisted number!" -- NANCY IN NORTH PORT, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: When I was asked the same question, I replied, "Twenty-one." (At the time, our daughter was going to college.) Two answers were unique: A 6-year-old girl said, "You were a very young mother." A boy the same age answered, "... and next year you'll be 22." A difference in the male-female brain? - - MARGARET IN GREENVILLE, S.C.

DEAR ABBY: Our youth badly need examples of how people of all ages contribute to making our society a success. That teacher should say, "My dear, it is not always appropriate to ask adults their ages, but I'm 73 and proud to be able to teach."

I am a busy 71-year-old volunteer for Court Appointed Special Advocates (CASA) advocating on behalf of abused and neglected children, and feel honored to have them know there's a grandma out there who cares about them. -- LOUISE IN CONWAY, ARK.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I know you hear this all the time, but I really can't believe I'm writing to you. I'm a 41-year-old professional man with a great job and a loving family. I have always had a temper, but I'm usually pretty good at keeping it under control. I don't get physical when I'm angry, but I do yell and scream a lot. My wife and teenage daughters get out of my way when I lose it, but I know they're worried about my behavior.

Abby, the holiday season really got to me this year. Some financial bonuses I was expecting didn't come through. The pressure to spend and buy for Christmas was overwhelming, and we ended up spending more than I had planned. Instead of being joyous, the holidays were anything BUT. There was a big blowup, and I said some ugly things to my wife and daughters -- things I deeply regret.

My wife told me that you had written something about anger. Can you tell me what it was and how I can get it? I'm serious about changing my behavior before it escalates. -- JAMES IN FORT WAYNE, IND.

DEAR JAMES: I congratulate you for recognizing that you have a problem and for deciding to do something about it. I'm pleased that you are not one of those who become physical when pressure or frustration build to the breaking point.

However, it is important that you get to the triggers that cause you to become verbally abusive to your family, because the damage caused by hurtful words can last a lifetime.

My booklet, "The Anger in All of Us, and How to Deal With It," contains tips and insights that should be helpful for you in redirecting those unhealthy habits into acceptable ways of expressing your emotions. You can order it by sending a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.

Anger can be a healthy emotion -- but not if the anger is controlling you and hurting the people you love.

DEAR ABBY: I accidentally found out that my husband had bought a cell phone for another woman (on OUR family plan!) and has been calling her three to five times a day, sometimes hiding in our garage or waiting until I leave the house on an errand.

Also, he has been baby-sitting her son in his office every day after school. Abby, this woman does not even have a job. She is just too lazy to pick up her kid.

I told him to get rid of her or I am leaving. Am I being unreasonable? -- FURIOUS IN DAYTON, MINN.

DEAR FURIOUS: Unreasonable? Not at all. Pragmatic, absolutely. Unless your philandering spouse is willing to forgo the other woman and work on healing your relationship, your marriage appears to be over.

It is quite unusual for a man to baby-sit someone else's child the way your husband has been doing. Has it occurred to you that her child might also be his? Check it out. You deserve to know the truth.

DEAR ABBY: On Dec. 8, "Slightly Cluttered in Washington" wrote that, as a single dad, he is deeply involved with his children's activities. Then he described his relationship with his "ladyfriend" as "at a standstill" because he spends so much time with his children that his housekeeping isn't up to her standards.

You complimented him on his parenting skills and advised that his kids should be sharing the chores. Your answer was right on, Abby. My children and I have always cleaned up together. But when there's a choice to be made, time with family always comes first.

Before you know it, the "kids" are grown and gone, but there will always be housework to be done. That was my philosophy, and it has paid off. We invested in our children. Now they're paying us back by involving us in their lives and trusting us with the most valuable thing they have: our grandchildren. -- HIGH-YIELD INVESTOR IN UTAH

DEAR INVESTOR: I'm pleased your investment of time and love is paying off. Many readers commented on that letter. Some felt I didn't praise the father highly enough; others felt the ladyfriend's priorities were what needed reorganizing, not his home. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Why doesn't the woman he's dating pitch in? She could bond with the kids by joining them for a "cleaning day" on Saturdays, while Dad takes over another chore. She appears to be very disconnected from their lives. Maybe she could start bonding now, and bring cleaning into their lives by making chores fun -- like Mary Poppins. After all, to date a dad is to date his kids. -- SIGRID G. IN L.A.

DEAR ABBY: I grew up with a mother who was a neat freak. We kids had to clean the house every day, even when the weekly cleaning lady came. Our pets were imprisoned in the basement. We were allowed to bathe only once a week so the bathroom would be scum-free. If a book or a coat was left on the sofa for a minute, we were spanked.

We grew up knowing our mother cared more for her fancy home than for us. Bravo to "Cluttered" for putting his kids first. Happy childhood memories are worth far more than pictures of a spotless home. -- A.S.R., HOUSTON

DEAR ABBY: That letter wasn't about getting the kids to help. It was about a selfish girlfriend who is obviously jealous of the time he spends with his children. Not enough parents these days take an active interest in their kids' lives. When those kids are grown -- and believe me, it goes fast -- there will be plenty of time to scrub and clean. -- KAREN IN LA QUINTA, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: I have another suggestion for "Slightly Cluttered." Dump the neat freak and find a woman who appreciates a man who works hard to support his children and be involved in their activities! A little clutter does not begin to compare with a responsible father, and I think your lecture to him was misdirected. -- LARRY IN MANTENO, ILL.

DEAR ABBY: I've been a single mother for 12 years. Since they were small, my kids have had "chores." They could pick up their clothes, put away their toys, keep their rooms clean, etc. They are now 14 and 15.

I work full time and go to school online at night. They understand that this is a family house, and we all take care of it and do our part. When parents do not instill a sense of work ethic and responsibility in their children, the children will be the ones to suffer. -- PROUD MOM, LIVINGSTON, TEXAS

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)