DEAR ABBY: I know you hear this all the time, but I really can't believe I'm writing to you. I'm a 41-year-old professional man with a great job and a loving family. I have always had a temper, but I'm usually pretty good at keeping it under control. I don't get physical when I'm angry, but I do yell and scream a lot. My wife and teenage daughters get out of my way when I lose it, but I know they're worried about my behavior.

Abby, the holiday season really got to me this year. Some financial bonuses I was expecting didn't come through. The pressure to spend and buy for Christmas was overwhelming, and we ended up spending more than I had planned. Instead of being joyous, the holidays were anything BUT. There was a big blowup, and I said some ugly things to my wife and daughters -- things I deeply regret.

My wife told me that you had written something about anger. Can you tell me what it was and how I can get it? I'm serious about changing my behavior before it escalates. -- JAMES IN FORT WAYNE, IND.

DEAR JAMES: I congratulate you for recognizing that you have a problem and for deciding to do something about it. I'm pleased that you are not one of those who become physical when pressure or frustration build to the breaking point.

However, it is important that you get to the triggers that cause you to become verbally abusive to your family, because the damage caused by hurtful words can last a lifetime.

My booklet, "The Anger in All of Us, and How to Deal With It," contains tips and insights that should be helpful for you in redirecting those unhealthy habits into acceptable ways of expressing your emotions. You can order it by sending a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.

Anger can be a healthy emotion -- but not if the anger is controlling you and hurting the people you love.

DEAR ABBY: I accidentally found out that my husband had bought a cell phone for another woman (on OUR family plan!) and has been calling her three to five times a day, sometimes hiding in our garage or waiting until I leave the house on an errand.

Also, he has been baby-sitting her son in his office every day after school. Abby, this woman does not even have a job. She is just too lazy to pick up her kid.

I told him to get rid of her or I am leaving. Am I being unreasonable? -- FURIOUS IN DAYTON, MINN.

DEAR FURIOUS: Unreasonable? Not at all. Pragmatic, absolutely. Unless your philandering spouse is willing to forgo the other woman and work on healing your relationship, your marriage appears to be over.

It is quite unusual for a man to baby-sit someone else's child the way your husband has been doing. Has it occurred to you that her child might also be his? Check it out. You deserve to know the truth.

DEAR ABBY: On Dec. 8, "Slightly Cluttered in Washington" wrote that, as a single dad, he is deeply involved with his children's activities. Then he described his relationship with his "ladyfriend" as "at a standstill" because he spends so much time with his children that his housekeeping isn't up to her standards.

You complimented him on his parenting skills and advised that his kids should be sharing the chores. Your answer was right on, Abby. My children and I have always cleaned up together. But when there's a choice to be made, time with family always comes first.

Before you know it, the "kids" are grown and gone, but there will always be housework to be done. That was my philosophy, and it has paid off. We invested in our children. Now they're paying us back by involving us in their lives and trusting us with the most valuable thing they have: our grandchildren. -- HIGH-YIELD INVESTOR IN UTAH

DEAR INVESTOR: I'm pleased your investment of time and love is paying off. Many readers commented on that letter. Some felt I didn't praise the father highly enough; others felt the ladyfriend's priorities were what needed reorganizing, not his home. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Why doesn't the woman he's dating pitch in? She could bond with the kids by joining them for a "cleaning day" on Saturdays, while Dad takes over another chore. She appears to be very disconnected from their lives. Maybe she could start bonding now, and bring cleaning into their lives by making chores fun -- like Mary Poppins. After all, to date a dad is to date his kids. -- SIGRID G. IN L.A.

DEAR ABBY: I grew up with a mother who was a neat freak. We kids had to clean the house every day, even when the weekly cleaning lady came. Our pets were imprisoned in the basement. We were allowed to bathe only once a week so the bathroom would be scum-free. If a book or a coat was left on the sofa for a minute, we were spanked.

We grew up knowing our mother cared more for her fancy home than for us. Bravo to "Cluttered" for putting his kids first. Happy childhood memories are worth far more than pictures of a spotless home. -- A.S.R., HOUSTON

DEAR ABBY: That letter wasn't about getting the kids to help. It was about a selfish girlfriend who is obviously jealous of the time he spends with his children. Not enough parents these days take an active interest in their kids' lives. When those kids are grown -- and believe me, it goes fast -- there will be plenty of time to scrub and clean. -- KAREN IN LA QUINTA, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: I have another suggestion for "Slightly Cluttered." Dump the neat freak and find a woman who appreciates a man who works hard to support his children and be involved in their activities! A little clutter does not begin to compare with a responsible father, and I think your lecture to him was misdirected. -- LARRY IN MANTENO, ILL.

DEAR ABBY: I've been a single mother for 12 years. Since they were small, my kids have had "chores." They could pick up their clothes, put away their toys, keep their rooms clean, etc. They are now 14 and 15.

I work full time and go to school online at night. They understand that this is a family house, and we all take care of it and do our part. When parents do not instill a sense of work ethic and responsibility in their children, the children will be the ones to suffer. -- PROUD MOM, LIVINGSTON, TEXAS

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: My roommate, "Jeff," and I got into a huge fight last week and he kicked me out. My mother took me in and said if I ever moved back in with him, she'd "disown" me.

While I was living with my mother, I had trouble finding employment. While I was with Jeff, I received offers of employment from no less than three companies.

I have spoken with Jeff since the incident. He apologized and wishes I'd move back in. He realizes he acted like an idiot. I would like to move back with him so that I can have a job, but I don't want to make my mother angry. Also, I don't think that living with her is healthy for me right now. Please advise ASAP. -- "PAMELA" IN CLEVELAND

DEAR "PAMELA": While it may not be "healthy" to live with your mother right now, moving back in with a roommate who kicks you out when he loses his temper does not seem like a wise move either.

You did not make clear why you can't take the job(s) you were offered and live with her. If the problem is geographic, perhaps you should explore what other arrangements you can manage, because you have no guarantee that Jeff would not evict you repeatedly. The goal to aim for is to be independent, able to stand on your own two feet, and beholden to no one.

DEAR ABBY: I lost my wife, "Vicki," six months ago. She was the love of my life, and it was unexpected. I am raising our two children, ages 5 and 8, by myself. I now understand why so many women say they have a hard time finding someone special.

What does a widower have to do to find someone special when he has kids? -- MR. LONELY IN DETROIT

DEAR MR. LONELY: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your wife. I'm sure she won't be easily replaced. The first thing to do is start from square one and remember that dating is a hit-and-miss proposition, and few people hit the jackpot the first time.

You will find a special someone in places where nice people congregate. In your case, it might be during kids' activities at school and church, or the PTA. There is also an organization called Parents Without Partners that has been around for a long time. The membership is largely female. Contact it by logging onto � HYPERLINK "http://www.parentswithoutpartners.org" ��www.parentswithoutpartners.org�, or by calling the toll-free phone number, (800) 637-7974, for the location of a chapter near you.

DEAR ABBY: I see my hairdresser every four weeks to have my hair colored. I used to be a chestnut brunette, but time has taken its toll. My problem is, she doesn't always take the dark color off my face around the hairline. I always thought it was done when the color was shampooed out, but today I had to go back to work after my appointment and one of my co-workers pointed it out.

I don't want to change hairdressers because she gives me a great cut and style. Isn't taking the hair color off the skin a normal part of this procedure? -- RING AROUND THE FACE

DEAR RING: It certainly is. I don't know whether your hairdresser was rushed, ran out of tint-remover or was having a bad day, but part of the service is to make sure the customer leaves without any telltale traces of "work" having been done. You should definitely speak to her about it, because her work was substandard.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)