DEAR ABBY: I'm active-duty military but retiring within a year with no plans for future employment as yet. My wife is 38 and I am 39. We have three children, ages 20, 18 and 15.

My wife has the urge to have another child, but I don't want to have another one. I have been looking forward to the time we would have alone with each other. I also know that our debt-to-income ratio is poor, and I was looking forward to climbing out of the red. Another child will not help things.

Our relationship has been rocky for the past four years -- and up and down most of our 19 years of marriage. However, we always managed to bounce back.

I'm afraid if I don't give in to another child, it will be the straw that breaks the camel's back, and she'll resent me to the point that we won't be able to get over it. We are in counseling, but it hasn't seemed to help. We are told to "compromise," but I don't know how to compromise over a situation like this. I'd do anything for her, but I just feel like this isn't the right thing for us to do at this point in our lives.

Please help me keep this family together and still make everyone happy. I really need your help. -- ROCK AND A HARD PLACE IN VIRGINIA

DEAR ROCK: Babies are blessings, but they can also stress a troubled marriage past the breaking point. Perhaps it's time you went for a different kind of counseling -- financial counseling. A financial counselor should be able to tell you if you can afford another child, and what the sacrifices will be if you do decide to have one.

Your marriage has always been troubled. I'm not sure you can keep your family together and make everyone happy. Three children do not seem to have brought you and your wife closer. It's important that you be true to yourself.

DEAR ABBY: I was abused by both my parents when I was younger. Although there were short periods when they were kind, the bad far outweighed the good.

I am a decent person. I don't break the law. I don't do drugs. I pay my taxes on time, hold down a job and have friends. But I no longer love my parents. I don't mistreat them, but neither do I love them. I have gotten therapy and moved on, at least as much as I can in a relationship where the other parties have no desire to change their behavior.

Does this make me a bad person? -- "MICKEY" IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR "MICKEY": Not in my book. That your heart is not filled with bitterness for those who abused you, and that you have managed to move on, means your therapy was successful. To repeatedly invite yet another dose of pain makes no more sense than to repeatedly touch a hot stove. Not wanting a close relationship with people who cause you pain is healthy.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend's sister asked me to pitch in on a gift for their mother. Because it was easier for everyone, I simply wound up buying the gift. My girlfriend's sister promised to pay half the cost.

Since then, the gift has been given -- and "Sissy" acts like she went in on it, but she hasn't paid me. I don't want to seem like a pest over this, and it's likely I'll be a part of the family someday. Do I ask my girlfriend's sister for the money, or keep my mouth shut and learn an expensive lesson?

-- BRIAN IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR BRIAN: Ask for the money -- once. If it's not forthcoming, recognize that "Sissy" is a flake. This may seem like an expensive lesson, but in the long run -- if you join the family -- you'll recognize you got off cheap.

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DEAR ABBY: In response to "Desperately Needing Advice in Manhattan" (Nov. 29), whose business associate advised her it is necessary to drink in order to make business deals, I think you missed the mark in your reply.

Much as we say it ain't so, it's still a man's world, and if she wants to close deals, she needs to "play the game." Her colleague is right. Most business deals are closed in the bar or on the golf course, so learn the game to stay in it. Instead of fruit juice, she should head to the bar and get carbonated water. It looks like a vodka tonic, and it will appear she's having a drink along with everyone else.

As more women enter the work force, these rules will change. But it takes time, and we must make changes "from within." -- GAME ON! LIVERMORE, CALIF.

DEAR GAME ON!: Your suggestion is what "Desperately Needing Advice" is already trying to do. But her colleague is telling her she must drink alcohol to fit in, and pointing out her teetotaling during business dinners.

I would never advise anyone, male or female, to drink alcohol if the person was uncomfortable doing so. Nor should it be necessary to be stealthy about staying sober. Too many slips of the tongue can occur if a person has inadvertently had one sip too many of that which is fermented. I'm reminded of the time I was having dinner with my brother, whom I proceeded to address by my first husband's name 12 years after our divorce. (Need I say more?) Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I loved your reply to the businesswoman who asked if she had to drink in order to make business deals. You advised that her so-called "best friend" was probably trying to feel better about his own drinking by pushing her to do it.

I am in my mid-40s, confident and attractive. Like her, I rarely drink. I'd like her to know, firsthand, that in all my years in business, both as an employee and now that I am self-employed and very successful, my not drinking has never been a problem nor has it adversely affected my relationship with my clients. -- COLD SOBER AND HAPPY IN HAWAII

DEAR ABBY: I have two rules for my business life. First, keep your personal life separate from your business life, and second, never, ever drink with business associates. My father gave me this advice after college, and it has served me well.

I have witnessed, on several occasions, my peers and managers drink at business functions. They lose inhibitions and make horrible decisions that follow them throughout their careers.

Only once was I ever affected by this decision. I was passed over for a raise and promotion because I wouldn't go out and drink with "the boys." My solution? I found a better job with a different company.

I have been very successful with this company, holding various management positions. When I'm out at lunch or dinner, I usually order water with lemon. That I have chosen not to drink has never been an issue. If anything, it has given me an advantage. "Desperately" should be wary of her so-called "friend." His advice could lead to trouble in her career. -- SUCCESSFUL NON-DRINKER IN HOUSTON

DEAR ABBY: I agree with your advice. Most people who are uncomfortable about being around non-drinkers are usually uncomfortable about themselves and their own drinking. Tell that gal that if her "friend" points out that she's not drinking, she should tell him to knock it off and shut up! Then smile and take a sip of her fruit juice. It will embarrass him as much as he's attempting to embarrass her. -- SUSAN IN DECATUR, ILL.

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DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Pan," and I have been together nearly two years. We fell in love quickly and knew we wanted to marry one day. We are loving, respectful and kind to each other. Our only source of conflict involves his family.

Pan and his family are Greek; I am American. From the beginning, Pan's father refused to speak to me or acknowledge me because I am not Greek. I am expected to hide from his father and uncles, whether it be in a bedroom, the car outside their house, or in the office at the family business. The rest of the family, his mother, sister and cousins, try to find fault with my character. They say I'm too quiet, too American, too young and not pretty enough.

In the beginning, Pan assured me that "in time" his family would come around. Well, I'm running out of patience. Abby, Pan is 35. I'm 23 -– mature, kind, attractive and hardworking. I have a full-time job and at night I attend classes to earn my master's in clinical psychology.

Three months ago, I bought a home and Pan moved in with me, but this issue with his family is tearing us apart. I no longer want to stay hidden and celebrate holidays alone. I want Pan to stick up for me when his family says bad things. I feel it's time for him to choose sides and stop remaining "neutral" to please a family that's acting ridiculous. Is this the end of the road for us? -- HURTING IN NEW YORK

DEAR HURTING: Frankly, I hope so. Men who are "loving, respectful and kind" do not tolerate their women being treated the way you have been. Face it, this "golden Greek" is 35 and never married. You will never be good enough in his family's eyes for reasons they have made only too clear. My advice is to evict him and run in the opposite direction. If he asks you why, tell him it just didn't "pan" out.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I retired several years ago and moved back to Scandinavia, where we spend most of the year. We live on a fixed income.

A number of people have contacted us either asking to visit or have a family friend visit us to show them around the country. Abby, the cost of gasoline reached the equivalent of $7.50 a gallon last summer, plus the cost of road tolls and ferries makes it quite expensive.

How do we let people know that we can't afford to just drive them around, plus offer them food and lodgings in our home? -- JUST CALL ME JOHN

DEAR JOHN: As much as people complain about the fluctuations in gas prices in the United States, I'm sure they have little concept of what the prices are like in Europe, which are higher. The most effective way to get the message across is to tell them plainly what the problem is. If your prospective guests are truly friends, they will understand. And if not, they're not friends.

DEAR ABBY: My 16-year-old brother was arrested for stealing a bottle of alcohol from a grocery store. I am heartbroken. He really isn't a bad kid. He has been raised in a loving household where he has wanted for nothing. I don't understand. This isn't the first incident of trouble he's been involved in, but it's the most serious. His only defense for his actions was that he didn't think he'd "get caught."

He knows I love him and that no one expects him to be perfect. We just want him to be smart and consider the consequences of his actions. How can I help him? I live 30 miles away. -- HEARTBROKEN IN CHICAGO

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Let your brother know you love him, but recognize that the surest way for him to learn responsible behavior is to suffer the consequences of his actions.

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