DEAR ABBY: I have read your column for years; now it's my turn with a question. Two years ago, some friends of mine saw I was in a real bind, caught in a vicious circle I couldn't get out of on my own. They invited me to move into their spare room until I could meet some goals and was able to move on. I decided to accept their offer.

The time I have spent with them has literally changed my life. I have grown tremendously in the last year and a half -- emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I have even improved physically. From day one, they made me a member of their family, and I have come to love them as such. They have been my supporters, my advisers, my friends, and I count myself lucky to have been part of their household.

Now that I have met most of my goals, I am getting ready to move out, and I am not sure how to repay them. They have literally set my life in a new direction. Any successes I have from this point on will be success that they have had a hand in.

How do I thank this couple and their family for all they have done for me in the last 18 months? -- GRATEFUL WOMAN IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR GRATEFUL: I doubt that anything you could buy for these angels on Earth would mean as much to them as a handwritten letter from you expressing the feelings you have confided to me. I am sure it would be something they would treasure for the rest of their lives.

Of course, it goes without saying that being able to move out and live a full, successful and happy life will also show them that their efforts were not wasted. I cannot imagine a better tribute to their generosity.

DEAR ABBY: About a year ago, my brother, "Ronny," stopped speaking to our parents. He said they did something "unforgivable" to him during his childhood. I know Ronny wasn't neglected or physically or sexually abused. From what my parents have told me about e-mails they have received from him, he is angry about basic mistakes parents make.

Recently he mentioned that he just wants them to "respect" him. I have seen Ronny become overly sensitive about any sort of teasing that comes his way, and I guess that he's referring to this. I have asked him not to tell me his reason, for fear of being too angry about why he made this decision. This mess has caused a lot of tension in our whole family.

My brother is coming to visit me and my family in a few weeks, but won't be visiting our parents. How do I handle their questions and probing about his visit, and what do I say when they get angry about his not visiting them? -- RONNY'S SISTER IN IOWA

DEAR SISTER: I think you should ask your brother about his reasons and withhold judgment. I'm glad that he wasn't beaten or sexually abused as a child. However, someone should have told your parents that "teasing" can be like acid, eating away at a person's self-worth.

While it may seem to you that Ronny is overly sensitive, I find it interesting that you didn't mention what he was teased about that was so hurtful he's avoiding "the folks." Was the teasing two-way, or was it aimed only in one direction? And was it persistent?

Do not allow your parents to put you in the middle. This isn't your squabble; you have nothing to do with it. When they ask how the visit went, tell them it was "nice" -- if it was. Do not go into chapter and verse. And if they become angry that Ronny did not visit them, face it -- the problem is theirs, and it's up to them to resolve it, not you.

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DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Noah," and I are being divorced. He moved out nine months ago. We have a 7-year-old son and a 3-year-old daughter.

Last month, Noah revealed that he has had a girlfriend, "Dana," since last June, and they're moving into an apartment together this week. He said the children won't have to meet Dana until I'm comfortable with it. Noah also promised it would be "gradual."

I took the kids to see his apartment a couple of days later. The next day he called me and announced he was taking them to a birthday party for one of Dana's relatives. He also said some co-workers would be there. (He and Dana work for the same company.)

We're not even divorced yet! I don't want to teach my kids that people live together before marriage. By moving in with Dana, Noah has created a secret I can't tell my kids.

Abby, I had to meet many of my father's girlfriends. They all fell by the wayside, each time creating more loss in my life. I don't want that to happen to my children. I'm thinking of making a rule: One year of committed relationship before either Noah or I introduce them to a potential partner. Personally, I'm waiting until after the divorce is final before I start to date. Am I right? -- PROTECTIVE MOM IN MISSOURI

DEAR PROTECTIVE MOM: Create all the rules you wish, but that doesn't mean Noah will abide by them. If he took the children to a birthday party for a relative of Dana's, it's logical to assume that they have already met her.

While you might like your children to keep their innocence, it may be impossible under the circumstances. (If the children visit at Daddy's, is he supposed to throw a blanket over his roommate?)

Honesty is the best policy -- in measured doses. Realistically, he should tell the children that Dana is his new "friend," and if things develop from there, so be it. How you conduct your own life is your business, and I admire your character and maturity in waiting to begin dating until after the divorce is final.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 33-year-old single mother with three children ages 11, 3 and 1. After escaping an unhealthy three-year relationship, I moved back in with my parents. I soon found a good job, and I have been paying my parents a substantial amount of rent every month.

My problem is, after 11 months of living with my parents, I feel it's time for me and my children to get a place of our own. Mother keeps trying to talk me out of moving because she has become dependent on the money she receives from me every month. I don't want to leave her in a bind, but I need my own space. How can I resolve this without hurting our relationship? -- CLUELESS IN ILLINOIS

DEAR CLUELESS: Set a realistic date to be out of your parents' house, and let them know in advance what it will be. That way, your mother may be able to wean herself from her dependency on your rent money, and you won't simply be cutting her off.

If your parents cannot cut back to what they were living on before you moved in, then face the fact that they are the ones with the "problem" -- not you -- and they may need financial counseling.

DEAR ABBY: My life is a wreck. I have two kids, and I'm only 20. We live with our friends because my fiance's father kicked us out for telling him to get a job and help pay the bills.

There are 11 people living in this three-bedroom trailer. God bless them for taking us in. My fiance lost his job the same week. I am so depressed, all I do is cry. I don't know what to do with myself. I need help. Do you have any advice? -- DISTRAUGHT IN OHIO

DEAR DISTRAUGHT: Only this. Dry your tears and start looking for a job. I don't need a crystal ball to see that under the current circumstances, you are going to need one.

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DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading your list of questions for "Are You Ready for Parenthood?" (12/6). Your advice was fine, if you were addressing a mature adult. To reach a 15-year-old, try this:

"If your child throws up all over your bed, are you or the father going to clean it up, stay up all night with a crying child and then go to work the next day? When the baby is sick, will you cancel your plans with your friends and stay home?

"Will you skip buying clothes or the latest cell phone for yourself because you can barely afford food for your little one? Are you willing to give up your dreams of school or travel because the child you gave birth to will grow up and need shoes, an education or medical care? Are you prepared for when this cute, cuddly infant becomes a screaming 2-year-old?

"If you continue your education, will you have the energy to work and care for a child who totally depends on you for all physical and emotional needs? And, most important of all, can you handle all this alone if suddenly the father decides he's 'not ready' for the responsibility?" -- WAITED TILL I WAS OLD ENOUGH AND GLAD OF IT!

DEAR WAITED: No one could say it more plainly than you have. I received a bushel of mail from readers who, like you, wanted to weigh in on the subject. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In response to "Nancy in Flagstaff" concerning "Are You Ready for Parenthood?" the question that should be No. 1 is: Are you married? Sex before marriage, though rampant, is still wrong. -- TIM IN LAWTON, OKLA.

DEAR TIM: Sex before marriage may be "wrong," but if my mail is any indication, it's happening. And while having children outside of marriage is not the ideal, the fact remains that folks are doing it and probably will continue -- if the folks in Hollywood are any example. (Where have all the role models gone?)

The fact that more than half the households in America are headed by single parents should be evidence that the old rules -- however valid they were -- are now being ignored. I'd change it if I could, but I have to deal with reality.

DEAR ABBY: Here's my addition to your list: Are you emotionally, physically and financially ready if you have a premature or handicapped baby? I am the parent of a severely handicapped son. His twin sister has ADHD, and by God's grace and just dumb luck, I am handling it well -- so far. -- FLYING SOLO IN SOUTH DAKOTA

DEAR ABBY: Parents need a sense of humor, an infinite amount of patience and thick skin. Children take the longest time eating, using the bathroom, telling a story, asking a question, etc., and there will be many occasions when they will tell you that you are the meanest mommy or daddy or that they hate you. Can you handle it with grace, firmness and patience? -- WISE MOM IN ALABAMA

DEAR ABBY: My question is, Can you provide a safe environment to raise the child? One of the biggest dangers to young children is abuse. Having heard so many stories about young parents shaking babies that won't stop crying -- or worse -- this should be carefully considered before becoming a parent. -- SEEN TOO MUCH IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ABBY: I don't have a question to add to your list. But I would like to share some great advice my aunt gave me when I adopted my daughter. She said, "Just give her your wallet now; it won't be yours ever again!" It's true -- and I wouldn't change it for the world! -- KEVIN IN AKRON

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