DEAR ABBY: A few years ago I had an affair with a woman I met at a local benefit. I'll call her "Desiree." As luck would have it, a few years later, Desiree would become my sister-in-law.

My wife has always been jealous of her "more attractive" sister. She reminds me of that fact every time we visit. Now Desiree is having money problems, and she's threatening to tell my wife about our "history" if I don't accommodate her needs.

My marriage is already on thin ice because I ran over my wife's dog and forgot our anniversary in the same week. What should I do? -- BLACKMAILED IN BURBANK

DEAR BLACKMAILED: If you knuckle under to your sister-in-law's threats, her money problems will be over and you will be paying her off for the duration of your marriage. Be smart. Nip this in the bud by telling your wife everything. It isn't your fault that you met her sister first. You should thank your lucky stars that you wound up marrying the right one.

DEAR ABBY: I am a young woman who has entered the workforce for the first time. I work at a large company that employs very few women. Abby, I am a very average girl who has never been the center of attention, but here at work it's a different story. Here, I get treated like a supermodel.

People fawn over me, ask me personal questions, ask me out and just want to be my friend. It's hard to get work done with so many men coming by every day, and it's embarrassing for me.

I have tried to be cold to some of them to get them to stop coming by, but it doesn't work. How can I discourage random people from coming by just to say "Hi" and have a conversation all the time? They don't start conversations with all the men who sit near me, so why should they start one with me? It's making me want to leave the company and never come back. -- PLAIN JANE IN TEXAS

DEAR PLAIN JANE: The time has come to have a talk with your supervisor or director of human resources about this. What appears to be "friendliness" is hampering your work performance and could be construed as sexual harassment. Please do not leave the company. Instead, make a formal report about what has been happening. It is up to management to put a stop to this -- and if they don't, it should be reported to the local labor board.

DEAR ABBY: My sister sent out an invitation for a baby shower to be held for her son's wife. The invitation gave the address where the shower was to be held, and at the bottom of the invitation was a handwritten note that read: "To be held at 'Greg's' new home."

I interpreted the note as a "suggestion" that guests bring a housewarming gift as well as a baby gift. Otherwise, the invitation would have just given the address. Is this a new gimmick now? To try to get as many gifts as people can? I acknowledged the invitation by sending my regrets.

It just hit me the wrong way. I now keep my distance from the family and do not attend any family functions. I rarely visit or have contact with any of them. I would appreciate your opinion. -- SISTER "LIZZY" IN ARIZONA

DEAR "LIZZY": I don't know your sister, but if the note at the bottom of the invitation was a bid for an extra gift, it was certainly a veiled one. Because you asked for my opinion, I'll give it to you straight: I think you overreacted.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Although I am not a mental health professional, I am concerned for the welfare of "Stressed in Pennsylvania" (Nov. 22), who is suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder due to his tour of duty in Iraq.

As a current commander of troops and a two-time returnee from "down range," I take caring for soldiers seriously, and I would opine that the writer's healing process has already begun. It began as soon as the soldier acknowledged he had demons he could not deal with.

Regardless of a soldier's location in the continental United States, the Veterans Administration has a steady stream of counselors available for any soldier -- past and present -- dealing with the aftermath of his experience in Iraq. In addition, depending on his location and current status (active duty, primarily), he can go to any base and seek assistance through the Community Mental Health Agency. Within that office he will find a host of professionals ready and able to assist him with the symptoms associated with PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).

Soldiers serving in Iraq and Afghanistan are witnessing and taking part in some horrific situations. Many of those incidents are unlike any war in which our forces have ever been involved. PTSD cannot be taken lightly, and many people throughout our nation do not, nor should they, understand all of the underlying implications associated with the ailment. It's a condition that should be addressed immediately, though, depending on the severity of the situation.

To the writer of that letter: Good luck, Godspeed, and thank you to all of my sisters and brothers in uniform for your service to our nation. -- CONCERNED MEDICAL SERVICES CAPTAIN

DEAR CONCERNED: Thank you for your helpful letter. For any other veterans who are reading this column and are perhaps in need of assistance, I am offering a reference you can use to begin your quest for support: � HYPERLINK "http://www.ncptsd.va.gov/" ��www.ncptsd.va.gov�.

The Department of Veterans Affairs has launched this Web site for the National Center for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, a special center within Veterans Affairs. The center is designed to advance the clinical care and social welfare of America's veterans through research, education and training in the science, diagnosis and treatment of PTSD and stress-related disorders.

The Web site is provided as an educational resource regarding PTSD and other enduring consequences of traumatic stress, for a variety of audiences, but does not replace face-to-face interaction with a clinical practitioner. If someone is in need of assistance for problems related to his or her experience in combat, he or she should seek help immediately. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I'm a Vietnam vet who also has post-traumatic stress. "Stressed" should go to a veterans hospital, veterans center, or contact a veterans service officer through his county. Counseling is available on a one-to-one basis or group therapy.

I take two or three vets each month to assist them in getting the services and help they need. These are veterans of all ages, branches of the service and all wars/conflicts. The best way to resolve these service-related issues is to talk with someone else who has experienced the same problems. Help is out there. "Stressed in Pennsylvania" can also look in the Yellow Pages of his phone book. -- VIETNAM VET, PITTSBURG, CALIF.

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DEAR ABBY: My husband returned from Iraq a few days ago, and, of course, my parents wanted to talk to him. Well, when they called, Dad and Mom both made off-color comments to me about our sex life. They always want to joke about it, but I never do. It's none of their business.

I don't discuss my sex life even with my closest female friend. I believe sex is something that is private between a husband and wife. My husband is the only man I have ever slept with.

My parents, especially my father, always have some kind of dirty joke or question about our relationship when I go home to visit, and I am tired of it. They are easily insulted and angered, especially my father (who once thought it would be funny to accuse me of hopping into bed with my husband the first chance I got while we were dating), so I can't just say, "I don't like those jokes -- stop it!" What can I do? It always makes for an embarrassing moment. -- EMBARRASSED IN TENNESSEE

DEAR EMBARRASSED: To paraphrase an old saying, "Those who can, do; those who can't, talk about it." Your parents may be trying to show you how "with it" they are by making these comments. Or your father may have always had an unhealthy preoccupation with your sex life.

They have no business asking you personal questions about it. Therefore, there is nothing wrong with telling them it makes you "uncomfortable" and you want it stopped. And if they take offense -- so be it. Let them sulk.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in construction since I was 19. I'm 47 now. I want to know, what makes a man lose his courage?

I started my own business two years ago, and since then I have been doing mostly interior work -- remodeling kitchens, bathrooms, hanging doors, etc. My most recent job is a second-story add-on, and while I have been working on it I have found myself nervous about heights.

I have never been afraid of heights before, but I was uneasy walking the walls and working off a ladder. I have never felt like this before. It's kind of embarrassing. My guys tease me, but I laugh it off.

Am I just getting older (which I don't want to admit) or out of practice? I'm not losing sleep over this, just wondering why. -- "VINCE" IN VALLEJO, CALIF.

DEAR "VINCE": It could be that you are out of practice, or it could be something else. I am a firm believer in intuition, and if yours is telling you that you should avoid heights, it could be that your sense of balance is "off."

My advice is to schedule a physical exam with your doctor and discuss this change in your normal pattern of behavior. There could be a physical reason for your sudden anxiety about heights, and you should not ignore it.

DEAR ABBY: How do I get my husband to pick up his belongings? His shoes, jewelry, and all sorts of items of clothing are spread all over the house. I'm afraid if I keep "reminding" him, I'll come across as a mother figure. -- TERRY IN HOUSTON

DEAR TERRY: Leave everything where it is, and when your husband starts asking you where his shoes, jewelry and other items of clothing are, tell him they are right where he left them. Once you begin picking them up and putting them away, he will expect you to continue for the rest of your life.

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