DEAR ABBY: Our family owns a bar in a resort community. I run it, along with my mom and two of my sisters. Added to that mix is one of my brothers-in-law, "Jeff." Jeff is the problem.

Jeff manages the bar some nights, and he is becoming increasingly difficult to work with. He does a good job of managing in most areas. However, he is impossible to talk to. At the ripe old age of 26, he has become a know-it-all. If he thinks he's being criticized, he becomes combative, bossy or defensive. He is also very sensitive, and frankly, very immature.

I understand that Jeff loves our business and is dedicated to his job, but the problem is the way he talks over everyone. He also likes to hold his position over employees, and his refusal to listen to what others have to say is making an impossible situation. If he wasn't a part of the family, he would not be working here in his current capacity.

I have tried explaining that he must choose his words more carefully, and that he needs to listen and be a part of the team rather than always "the boss," but nothing gets through. I'm reluctant to upset the natural balance of our family or hurt Jeff or my sister, but something must be done. We're losing good employees and customers because of his attitude. What can I do? -- TRYING TO SAVE THE BUSINESS

DEAR TRYING: You have failed to recognize that "the business" is an entirely separate entity from "the family," and must be treated as such. What you might tolerate from a family member is not always acceptable in business. Because, I assume, your family's livelihood depends upon the business, you have a duty to nurture it and, if necessary, prune away anything that might threaten it.

My advice is to call a meeting of your "shareholders" and stage an intervention with your brother-in-law. Make it plain that there must be an attitude adjustment effective immediately, or, much as you care about him, he will have to find other employment. Then act accordingly. Business is business.

DEAR ABBY: What do you do when your partner is verbally abusive? When he gets mad at me, he calls me a racially insulting name, and I'm not even black. I'm Hispanic.

I wasn't raised to talk to anyone like that, and it really bothers me that my partner feels that way about them and me. What am I supposed to do? -- LISA IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR LISA: Your partner is not only a verbal abuser, it appears he is also a bigot. What you are "supposed to do" is dump him, because the person you have described cannot control his mouth and never learned how to express his emotions on an adult level. He will make your life miserable if you continue to allow it.

DEAR ABBY: I am a cleaning lady. My customers are like family to me. If I ever found drugs, cigarettes or alcohol in a minor's bedroom, I would inform the parents. Recently, however, I found used condoms and a homemade "used" sex toy.

I do not know what to do. The boys are approximately 8 and 12. The older one was involved with pornography both on the cable TV and on the Internet. His parents handled it with therapy and locks on the TV and computer. Do I turn a blind eye and mind my own business? Even with drugs and alcohol, should I look the other way? Any advice would be helpful. -- CLEANING LADY IN N.Y.

DEAR CLEANING LADY: For a 12-year-old boy to have sexual urges is not unusual. However, because this one was sexualized early and has a younger brother, it would be a good idea to mention what you found to their father and let him handle it from there.

As to drugs and alcohol, possession of both by a minor is illegal and the parents should definitely be informed if the child is abusing either.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY MUSLIM READERS: A happy Eid Al Adha to you all.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have a serious problem that is taking its toll on my marriage. My husband, "Lewis," and I recently hired a live-in nanny who moved six states away to work for us. She is great with the kids, polite and receptive to me -- but when it comes to my husband, "Celeste" can barely bring herself to be civil.

Lewis and I were both committed to making this a rewarding experience for Celeste. He even invited her to play darts with him in his dart league. Celeste has become close friends with many of his friends and makes disrespectful "humorous" comments about him or to him all the time.

Lewis has tried to be nice to her, but he has reached the end of his rope, and they can't seem to work it out. How can I help this immature young lady realize that mean comments, even in jest, sting? Celeste is about to lose her job. -- JUST ABOUT HAD IT IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR JUST ABOUT HAD IT: You and Celeste are overdue for a frank talk about how this situation came about. Most employers do not invite their nannies to socialize the way your husband did. Is it possible that he did something that she considered to be inappropriate, and this is her way of getting back at him?

Even if that is not the case, it is clear that Celeste's presence in your household is creating tension and discomfort. And from my perspective, it would be better for all concerned if she found other employment.

DEAR ABBY: Could you please clarify something for my husband and me? My brother and his wife have been divorced for several years and have two children together. His ex-wife has nothing to do with my children. Should they still refer to her as "Aunt Julie"? I say no. After all, my brother is divorced and this would be very uncomfortable for his new wife, should the day come that he ever remarries.

My husband says that Julie is still their aunt because she is the mother of their cousins. Who is right? -- CAROL IN GEORGIA

DEAR CAROL: The reality today is that many marriages do not make it to the finish line. That, however, does not erase the fact that an ex-spouse existed, or the role he or she played. Your brother's new wife will understand that he was previously married and should not feel in any way threatened that "Aunt Julie" is mentioned once in a while -- if ever. I agree with your husband.

DEAR ABBY: I am 38 years old. In 2000, I separated from my husband, and in July 2003, my divorce was final. In April 2004, my husband (or ex) passed away.

I was previously seeking a Catholic annulment. After my husband passed, the church no longer required it because the "till death do you part" clause had been lived up to. (Or died down to.) Therefore, am I widowed or divorced? -- A LITTLE CONFUSED IN FLORIDA

DEAR CONFUSED: In the eyes of the state of Florida, you are divorced. In the eyes of the church, you are widowed. Take you pick.

DEAR ABBY: I received a flag from a memorial service for a friend who had no family. I was this person's closest friend. The flag remains stored in a box, unused and packed away.

Would it be wrong or disrespectful to my country or to my deceased friend to allow my parents to fly this flag on their flagpole at home? -- WONDERING IN CONCORD, N.H.

DEAR WONDERING: As long as the flag was treated with respect -- taken down at night and not allowed to become tattered and faded because of exposure to the elements -- I think it would be a loving tribute to your friend if it were displayed. Better that than folded away and forgotten.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR READERS: Yesterday I printed some of the letters I received from readers who felt I was wrong to advise a stepmother to caution her stepdaughter about giving her baby a name that will be pronounced differently than it is spelled. Today, I'll share the thoughts of those who felt my advice was on target. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Thank you, thank you, thank you for your response concerning the odd spelling of a baby's name! I have worked in the public school system and in customer service, and I speak for many when I say that nothing is more annoying than trying to figure out how to pronounce or spell an invented name. It's also frustrating for the owners of the names, who must spend their lives explaining to people how to spell and pronounce the names their parents stuck them with.

Some parents (usually young ones) seem to think a weird name is "cute." Nothing is further from the truth. Thank you for having the courage to speak out for babies who have no choice in the matter. -- LINDA IN PHOENIX

DEAR ABBY: I have worked as a nurse for more than 25 years in newborn nurseries. Too often people give cute and original names that only end up being a burden. Many a time have I asked a child's name, only to hear one that will make that child cringe in the future. And often, these same parents go out of their way to make the spelling impossible!

Suggestion: Give a basic middle name the child can fall back on if needed. Please remember that in the flash of an eye, that baby will be in school, where other children will be cruel. -- R.N. FROM ALBUQUERQUE

DEAR R.N.: You're right. A woman once wrote me that her daughter intended to name her baby girl Diana Rhea, which I emphatically discouraged.

DEAR ABBY: That letter reminded me of a story my mother, a retired schoolteacher, told me about one of her students. His name was spelled on all school documents as "Demacus," so that's how all the school officials and all the boy's friends pronounced it.

One day, the boy's mother came to pick him up from school, heard the teacher call the boy "Demacus," and became indignant that she was "mispronouncing his name -- it's DemaRcus!" The teacher pointed out that his name was spelled without the "R" on all his paperwork, and the mother grew even more irate, stating, "Well, I don't know how to spell it, but it's DemaRcus!"

If you can't spell it, please pick another name! -- JENNIFER IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for pointing out the social implications of odd name spellings. I encountered a little boy who, I am sure, has felt the impact of this every day of his life. His name is Jade. His mother pronounced it something like Zhar-day. When she told me, I looked at that beautiful little boy, shook my head and said, "I'm sorry." -- CHARLES IN HUNTSVILLE, ALA.

DEAR ABBY: I can tell you first-hand that an unusual name can be a handicap socially and in business. My mother shortened a family name and added an ending that comes from a language not in my bloodline. It was humiliating when I was growing up. People do not remember names because they are "unique." No one ever forgets the name "Mary."

I believe I have missed many business contacts because people felt awkward because they couldn't remember my name, and it has caused trouble because documents and contracts often had to be redone due to a misspelling.

Please urge your readers to consider this when naming a child. Growing up and business life are hard enough to negotiate without having to fight for your identity every five minutes. Trust me. -- "TM" IN KENTUCKY

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)