DEAR ABBY: I am responding to "Concerned Mom in New Jersey" (11/4), who feels her daughter, "Dayna," should be paid more for baby-sitting because the other girl in the neighborhood receives a higher rate. I think your advice was a little off-base.

I have baby-sat since I was 13. At 14, I started my own baby-sitting business. By the time I was 17, I was baby-sitting for more than 20 families. I was the primary baby sitter for more than five families and earning considerably more than my friends because I worked harder.

I am now 25 and still work as a care provider/baby sitter. I do the cooking, cleaning and laundry while playing with and attending to the children and their miscellaneous needs. Also, when driving is required, I have a reliable vehicle and a clean driving record. Parents take all this into consideration when hiring and deciding on reasonable rates.

I am sure that if Dayna did half the work the other sitter attends to, then perhaps she'd be making more money. But it also comes down to one thing: The other girl is the primary baby sitter and she SHOULD be making more money. She is paid that wage to ensure that she will make herself available to baby-sit. Only when she cannot would they rely on the other girl in the neighborhood. -- MS. RELIABLE IN SAN JOSE, CALIF.

DEAR MS. RELIABLE: You are right. When I answered that letter, I assumed that both baby sitters were providing equal -- or at least similar -- services. Since that letter appeared, I have received an education from parents of small children. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Has it occurred to you that the girl who is being paid more might be a "value-added" sitter? Does Dayna do the dishes while she baby-sits, or does she leave dishes in the sink for the parents to come home to? Does she read to the kids, or even interact with them at all -- or does she take her job description literally and just sit? Perhaps she's paid less because the kids groan when told she's their sitter because she ignores them and watches TV.

I'd suggest Dayna ask her friend to describe what she does when she baby-sits and try to match -- or exceed -- these efforts the next time she's asked to take care of the kids. I'll bet that would add to her value, and she'll be able to name her price the next time she's hired to baby-sit. -- JOHN IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR ABBY: In your reply to "Concerned Mom," you pointed out that baby-sitting is a business. True!

As a business person, the first thing I'd want to know is why this customer thinks another supplier of the same service is worth more than I am. There must be some difference.

Before demanding a rate increase, I would ask my customer, "You have hired me several times; how can I improve my baby-sitting service to you?"

The insight that girl gets could be far more valuable than a few more dollars per hour. And of course, if she improves in her customer's eyes, getting more money will be easy. -- ALAN (A CONSULTANT) IN DAYTONA BEACH, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: Dayna could benefit from taking a "Safe Sitter" course. My daughter took one at age 11, and I cannot praise it enough. She learned signs of illness, rescue breathing and more. She also learned how to manage her "sitting business," set fees up front and collect them. What she learned was invaluable. -- JACQUELINE IN NEW YORK

DEAR JACQUELINE: Thank you for the tip. Readers, you can learn more about Safe Sitter at 1-800-255-4089 or � HYPERLINK "http://www.safesitter.org" ��www.safesitter.org�.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I never thought I would write to you, but several months ago my wife learned that a DJ at the local radio station was an old high school acquaintance. After swapping several e-mails, the man tried to seduce my wife. He didn't do it in a way that could get him into trouble, but his intentions were very clear.

My wife called him and blasted him, telling him she has been happily married for 16 years.

This DJ works for my wife's favorite radio station, and every time she listens to this station a little bit of my heart breaks because she knows how I feel about this incident. Should I ask her to stop listening to this station -- thereby punishing my wife, who is entirely innocent in this matter -- or keep my mouth shut and hope the hurting will someday stop? Any advice you can offer will be appreciated, as I have been troubled by this for some time. -- ACHY-BREAKY HEART IN MAINE

DEAR ACHY-BREAKY: I'm sorry you were hurt by the lechery of that presumptuous DJ, but please understand that this had nothing to do with you. Your wife discouraged his advances. The fact that she likes the programming on that particular station doesn't mean she's attracted to the disc jockey. At this point, you're making a mountain out of a molehill. You won. He's the loser. Forget about it.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been through a lot this past year. We found out my stepson, "Tim," was molesting young children. Three of his victims are close family members. Our entire family has been through some traumatic times trying to deal with this. Tim is currently in a foster home for young adults. He wants to come home and for everyone to forgive him.

As you might expect, my husband is taking this extremely hard. He also wants his son home. I gave him an ultimatum. If Tim comes home, I will leave him. Was that wrong? That boy literally destroyed my family.

I do want Tim to get help, but he has been cheating the system and not taking the treatment in his hurry to get back here. Also, he has lied about other victims. Is there hope? - - NEEDING ANSWERS IN UTAH

DEAR NEEDING ANSWERS: My heart goes out to your husband. It is understandable that he would want his son to come home. However, you were right to give him the ultimatum -- especially if you have children in the household -- and if necessary you should follow through. Your stepson is a predator, and no young child is safe around him. He needs supervision and therapy. The fact that he has not been honest with the people who are trying to help him indicates that he needs to be exactly where he is.

DEAR ABBY: When I learned that my 16-year-old son and his friends were high on marijuana at school, I reported them all to the administration. As a result, they were suspended from school for eight days. His friends' parents are furious with me, and now I am beginning to question whether I did the right thing.

My friends tell me I was right to do what I did. My son said I should have left his friends out of it. Apparently their smoking has been ongoing, and I do not believe it would have stopped unless they faced disciplinary action. By the way, I am a middle school teacher. What do you think? -- SECOND-GUESSING MYSELF IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR SECOND-GUESSING: While I don't approve of minors getting high on anything, your solution was needlessly Draconian. Your son's friends' parents are angry because you did not consult them before reporting their children and allow them the option of handling the matter themselves. Frankly, I see their point. I think you jumped the gun, and you owe them an apology.

DEAR ABBY: When I learned that my 16-year-old son and his friends were high on marijuana at school, I reported them all to the administration. As a result, they were suspended from school for eight days. His friends' parents are furious with me, and now I am beginning to question whether I did the right thing.

My friends tell me I was right to do what I did. My son said I should have left his friends out of it. Apparently their smoking has been ongoing, and I do not believe it would have stopped unless they faced disciplinary action. By the way, I am a middle school teacher. What do you think? -- SECOND-GUESSING MYSELF IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR SECOND-GUESSING: While I don't approve of minors getting high on anything, your solution was needlessly Draconian. Your son's friends' parents are angry because you did not consult them before reporting their children and allow them the option of handling the matter themselves. Frankly, I see their point. I think you jumped the gun, and you owe them an apology.

DEAR ABBY: My friend "Suzy's" husband recently got a pet monkey named "Jocko." He and the monkey play games together. The problem is he has now begun ignoring Suzy in favor of the monkey.

When Suzy wants to have sex and asks him to come to bed, her husband refuses and tells her, "I'd rather spend time with Jocko." That's only the beginning. She told me she and her husband no longer share the same bed. He says, "Jocko needs company," and he sleeps with it on the couch. He also has a special chair for Jocko at the table, etc.

I feel very bad for Suzy, but she doesn't want to break up with him. She thinks it's a passing fad. What should I do? -- BILL IN BRONX, N.Y.

DEAR BILL: This couple has deeper problems than a simian in the household. I speak from personal experience when I say that monkeys do not make good house pets. (My mother had two cinnamon ringtail monkeys for about six months when I was a child. Among other things, they cannot be housebroken.)

When a husband would rather monkey around with his monkey than monkey around with his wife, you know the marriage is in serious trouble. My advice to you is to take a giant step backward, but before you do, recommend to Suzy that she discuss the situation with a marriage counselor. She and her husband need more help than I can offer in a letter.

DEAR ABBY: I am very worried about a 13-year-old boy I know. I'll call him Jimmy. Although we are not blood-related, I have been friends with his mother, "Monica," since before he was born. There is no male parent in the picture, and there isn't going to be.

Monica is chronically depressed, possibly bipolar, and not entirely capable of taking care of her son. Jimmy, who was never a slim child, has gained about 100 pounds over the past year. He now weighs nearly 300. Monica and Jimmy eat almost every meal at fast-food restaurants, despite her chronic unemployment and a debt load that recently forced them out of their house. Jimmy isn't sedentary -- he is virtually immobile. Healthful snacks are rare in their apartment, and he drinks soda almost to the exclusion of water.

When Jimmy stays with me, we drink water, eat fruits and vegetables, and go outside every day and walk. These activities are nonexistent at Monica's.

How can I help this family get healthy before Jimmy's health is further compromised? -- FEARFUL FRIEND IN IDAHO

DEAR FEARFUL: You are right to be concerned about that child's welfare. Jimmy needs to be seen and evaluated by a health-care professional because 100 pounds is an enormous amount of weight for anyone -- child or adult -- to put on in one year, and the problem could stem from something other than excess calories.

Your friend Monica could be battling chronic depression, or she could -- like many other parents in the United States today -- be ignorant about what healthful meals consist of and how to prepare them. Please encourage her to check into adult education courses in nutrition through her local high school, community college or hospital. As it stands, Jimmy's lifestyle could put him at risk for serious illness, including heart disease and diabetes.

If she is unwilling or unable to help her son, then please contact Child Protective Services and let them know the boy needs help in the form of an intervention.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)