DEAR ABBY: I want "Short on Intimacy," the wife in her 20s with no sex life (10/26), to know that she is not the only wife out there who has this problem. I wish you could have heard some of the wild excuses my husband made about why he couldn't have sex. We have been in counseling for months because of this.

I think it is so hard for us women because other men are always talking about wanting sex, and our husbands may even be acting like they want it. And then, when we get home, sex is the furthest thing from their minds.

Through counseling, I have realized that "why" may never be answered. The bottom-line question is, Can I live the rest of my life this way or not? -- NO ANSWERS IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR NO ANSWERS: Only you can answer that. You were generous to share your own experience on this personal and sensitive subject -- and so were countless others who aired their views. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In response to the young woman who doesn't understand why her husband isn't interested in sex, I applaud your reply. However, in addition to seeing a therapist, I think that man should consult his family doctor.

My husband suffers from clinical depression as well as adult-diagnosed ADD. I struggled for years with the same questions she asked, until he started being treated for his disorders. Things are improving. -- STILL WORKING ON IT, WINCHESTER, IND.

DEAR ABBY: The first 10 years of my marriage, my husband had a low sex drive and intermittent impotency. During a blood screening it was discovered that his testosterone level was about 20 percent of where it should be for an adult male. The medication he now takes may have saved our marriage, and it definitely saved our sex life. This was something neither of us had heard of before. -- HAPPIER NOW IN ARIZONA

DEAR ABBY: I could have written that letter. I would put on lingerie and try to seduce my husband. Still nothing. Of course, I became horribly insecure and thought something was wrong with me. When we went for counseling, my husband finally admitted he didn't need me for sex because he had been "satisfying" himself. It stemmed from huge issues he has with intimacy.

Your advice was right on. Counseling is needed so she won't blame herself for his problem. -- BEEN THROUGH IT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: I have been married 12 years. We have two wonderful children. My husband was a virgin when we married, which I attributed to his shyness and uptight upbringing. I was optimistic, though, and thought in time he'd learn to appreciate sex and get into it, but he never did.

Three weeks ago, he finally confessed that he is gay and always has been, but kept it locked inside. Although I feel compassion for my husband, I also feel betrayed -- but at least I know now it wasn't my fault.

My advice to "Short on Intimacy": My heart goes out to you, but the sooner you find out the reason for his behavior, the better. Do not waste your best years waiting for something that might never happen. -- BEEN THERE IN NEW ROCHELLE, N.Y.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 25-year-old male and not very sexually driven. I don't believe sex is how a man shows love to his mate, and have a hard time keeping up with my fiancee's sex drive. In past relationships I ended up resenting my partner for making me feel that just being "close to each other" wasn't enough, and wondering if I was wanted only for sex.

Perhaps that woman's husband prefers to show his love for her in a less physical way. -- THE OTHER SIDE IN UTAH

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: We are a small family of four living on my husband's income. We have a small farm that I run, and I home-school my children. My husband works full time in another job. We aren't poor, but we do have to count our nickels and dimes and budget for things we want.

This is the first year we have splurged on gifts for the children, and we spent more on my sister-in-law because, for once, we had a little extra to spend. It has brought us joy that we can be a bit more generous.

Now that our Christmas budget is spent, my sister-in-law has asked twice that we purchase gifts for her dog -- wrapped, no less -- because her dog likes opening packages! I ignored her request the first time. After the second one, I told her we don't ask people to purchase gifts for our kids, and we don't purchase gifts for other people's pets. Now she's offended.

Abby, it may not seem like a lot, but for us, it's a big deal when we get to purchase a movie and a pizza every few months. We never ask anything of anyone. We're a happy, tight-knit family regardless of our financial status.

My husband has had enough. He's tired of his sister's self-absorption and wants to tell her to grow up and that the world does not revolve around her and her dog. Instead, I asked her to simply return any gifts she has bought for us and spend the money on her dog. Are we being unreasonable? -- IN THE DOGHOUSE IN ALASKA

DEAR IN THE DOGHOUSE: Not at all. Your sister-in-law is out of line to put the bite on you for gifts for her dog, and you are within your rights to tell her you have a bone to pick with her. After she chews on it awhile, let's hope she comes around.

DEAR ABBY: I have survived cancer twice in the last 20 years. The second cancer, which was successfully operated on 10 years ago, was in my right lung. So far, I am still cancer-free.

My sister, "Kelly," whom I love dearly, is a heavy smoker, and has smoked 20 years longer than I did.

My problem is, she still smokes around me, closed up in the car, etc. It isn't only the smoke that bothers me, but the fact that I have had lung cancer and am not supposed to be around any cigarette smoke.

Kelly is a wonderful person, and I have nothing else bad to say about her. She does not believe all the stuff about secondhand smoke, etc. I wish there was some way to impress upon her that she shouldn't be smoking around me or others who have had cancer. -- COUGHING IN CORPUS CHRISTI

DEAR COUGHING: Your sister is nicotine-addicted and in denial. She's obviously not a Dear Abby reader, or she'd have seen my Nov. 14 column that featured the American Cancer Society's 30th Annual Great American Smokeout. In it was information from the U.S. surgeon general's first report in 20 years about the effects of involuntary exposure to secondhand smoke.

Specifically, "Exposure of adults to secondhand smoke has immediate adverse effects on the cardiovascular system and causes coronary heart disease and lung cancer. The scientific evidence indicates that there is no safe level of exposure to secondhand smoke."

I know you love your sister, but considering your health history, if she needs a nicotine fix, she should do it out of your presence -- and certainly never in an enclosed environment with you. I urge you to do something you should have done 10 years ago: Draw the line and INSIST that she consider your health and refrain from smoking anywhere around you, even if it means getting out of the car to do so.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm an attractive, single, 30-year-old woman who has some hang-ups and problems dating -- like anyone. But my most annoying and recurring problem is this:

For some reason, the men I date have the need to point out other attractive women to me. Sometimes it's a passing, "There was an attractive girl there, and she said ..." And sometimes it's, "She's hot!" about a woman on television, and the list goes on.

I once heard a saying, "One should never speak of one beautiful woman in the presence of another," and it bothers me a lot when they do this. I don't do that to the men I date, as I find it disrespectful.

Am I silly for feeling this way? And if not, how can I tell them politely to stop? -- WANTS TO BE RESPECTED IN OHIO

DEAR WANTS TO BE RESPECTED: I used to feel the same way you do -- threatened if someone I was with mentioned that someone else was attractive. What a waste of energy. Then I realized that once it was out of their mouths, it was usually out of their heads, and I relaxed and didn't let it get to me.

However, because you have mentioned to these men that it bothers you and they persist, try giving them a dose of their own medicine. If a hunk appears on screen, elbow them and say, "Oooh, isn't he hot?" or, "Doesn't he have the cutest little tush?" Then watch their reaction. Perhaps if they find themselves on the receiving end, they'll learn empathy. I can't guarantee it will work, but it's worth a try.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I moved into our new apartment about two months ago. Our only shared wall is the bedroom wall, and we hear a lot more than we care to.

I haven't met my new neighbors yet, so what's the best way to handle this? Should we try to just ignore it? Should I leave an anonymous note? Or should we knock on their door, introduce ourselves and kindly ask them to be more discreet? -- TRYING TO SHUT MY EARS, GRAND ISLAND, N.Y.

DEAR TRYING TO SHUT MY EARS: There are several ways to handle it, but it should not be done anonymously.

1. Write your neighbors a short note, explaining that you are the new neighbors and feel you are learning more about them than is appropriate, and asking them to lower the volume (or the temperature).

2. Clip this column, and include it with a short note saying that although many renters share this problem, it also applies to them.

3. Tape-record them and leave them a copy -- explaining that you are the new next-door neighbors.

DEAR ABBY: I am a freshman in college. I just bought my Christmas cards, but I need to know a little bit about proper etiquette in sending them out. My concern is regarding my friends who still live with their parents. Would it be inappropriate to address the card only to my friends? Would it be better to address the card to my friend and then write a short message inside along the lines of, "Wishing you and your family a happy holiday"? I'm confused and want to do the right thing. -- LAUREN IN LEXINGTON, KY.

DEAR LAUREN: It's certainly proper to address the Christmas cards to your friends only. However, I think the idea of including the rest of the family in the greeting is thoughtful and sweet. It would offend no one and please everyone, and that, by definition, is good manners.

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