DEAR ABBY: We are a small family of four living on my husband's income. We have a small farm that I run, and I home-school my children. My husband works full time in another job. We aren't poor, but we do have to count our nickels and dimes and budget for things we want.

This is the first year we have splurged on gifts for the children, and we spent more on my sister-in-law because, for once, we had a little extra to spend. It has brought us joy that we can be a bit more generous.

Now that our Christmas budget is spent, my sister-in-law has asked twice that we purchase gifts for her dog -- wrapped, no less -- because her dog likes opening packages! I ignored her request the first time. After the second one, I told her we don't ask people to purchase gifts for our kids, and we don't purchase gifts for other people's pets. Now she's offended.

Abby, it may not seem like a lot, but for us, it's a big deal when we get to purchase a movie and a pizza every few months. We never ask anything of anyone. We're a happy, tight-knit family regardless of our financial status.

My husband has had enough. He's tired of his sister's self-absorption and wants to tell her to grow up and that the world does not revolve around her and her dog. Instead, I asked her to simply return any gifts she has bought for us and spend the money on her dog. Are we being unreasonable? -- IN THE DOGHOUSE IN ALASKA

DEAR IN THE DOGHOUSE: Not at all. Your sister-in-law is out of line to put the bite on you for gifts for her dog, and you are within your rights to tell her you have a bone to pick with her. After she chews on it awhile, let's hope she comes around.

DEAR ABBY: I have survived cancer twice in the last 20 years. The second cancer, which was successfully operated on 10 years ago, was in my right lung. So far, I am still cancer-free.

My sister, "Kelly," whom I love dearly, is a heavy smoker, and has smoked 20 years longer than I did.

My problem is, she still smokes around me, closed up in the car, etc. It isn't only the smoke that bothers me, but the fact that I have had lung cancer and am not supposed to be around any cigarette smoke.

Kelly is a wonderful person, and I have nothing else bad to say about her. She does not believe all the stuff about secondhand smoke, etc. I wish there was some way to impress upon her that she shouldn't be smoking around me or others who have had cancer. -- COUGHING IN CORPUS CHRISTI

DEAR COUGHING: Your sister is nicotine-addicted and in denial. She's obviously not a Dear Abby reader, or she'd have seen my Nov. 14 column that featured the American Cancer Society's 30th Annual Great American Smokeout. In it was information from the U.S. surgeon general's first report in 20 years about the effects of involuntary exposure to secondhand smoke.

Specifically, "Exposure of adults to secondhand smoke has immediate adverse effects on the cardiovascular system and causes coronary heart disease and lung cancer. The scientific evidence indicates that there is no safe level of exposure to secondhand smoke."

I know you love your sister, but considering your health history, if she needs a nicotine fix, she should do it out of your presence -- and certainly never in an enclosed environment with you. I urge you to do something you should have done 10 years ago: Draw the line and INSIST that she consider your health and refrain from smoking anywhere around you, even if it means getting out of the car to do so.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm an attractive, single, 30-year-old woman who has some hang-ups and problems dating -- like anyone. But my most annoying and recurring problem is this:

For some reason, the men I date have the need to point out other attractive women to me. Sometimes it's a passing, "There was an attractive girl there, and she said ..." And sometimes it's, "She's hot!" about a woman on television, and the list goes on.

I once heard a saying, "One should never speak of one beautiful woman in the presence of another," and it bothers me a lot when they do this. I don't do that to the men I date, as I find it disrespectful.

Am I silly for feeling this way? And if not, how can I tell them politely to stop? -- WANTS TO BE RESPECTED IN OHIO

DEAR WANTS TO BE RESPECTED: I used to feel the same way you do -- threatened if someone I was with mentioned that someone else was attractive. What a waste of energy. Then I realized that once it was out of their mouths, it was usually out of their heads, and I relaxed and didn't let it get to me.

However, because you have mentioned to these men that it bothers you and they persist, try giving them a dose of their own medicine. If a hunk appears on screen, elbow them and say, "Oooh, isn't he hot?" or, "Doesn't he have the cutest little tush?" Then watch their reaction. Perhaps if they find themselves on the receiving end, they'll learn empathy. I can't guarantee it will work, but it's worth a try.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I moved into our new apartment about two months ago. Our only shared wall is the bedroom wall, and we hear a lot more than we care to.

I haven't met my new neighbors yet, so what's the best way to handle this? Should we try to just ignore it? Should I leave an anonymous note? Or should we knock on their door, introduce ourselves and kindly ask them to be more discreet? -- TRYING TO SHUT MY EARS, GRAND ISLAND, N.Y.

DEAR TRYING TO SHUT MY EARS: There are several ways to handle it, but it should not be done anonymously.

1. Write your neighbors a short note, explaining that you are the new neighbors and feel you are learning more about them than is appropriate, and asking them to lower the volume (or the temperature).

2. Clip this column, and include it with a short note saying that although many renters share this problem, it also applies to them.

3. Tape-record them and leave them a copy -- explaining that you are the new next-door neighbors.

DEAR ABBY: I am a freshman in college. I just bought my Christmas cards, but I need to know a little bit about proper etiquette in sending them out. My concern is regarding my friends who still live with their parents. Would it be inappropriate to address the card only to my friends? Would it be better to address the card to my friend and then write a short message inside along the lines of, "Wishing you and your family a happy holiday"? I'm confused and want to do the right thing. -- LAUREN IN LEXINGTON, KY.

DEAR LAUREN: It's certainly proper to address the Christmas cards to your friends only. However, I think the idea of including the rest of the family in the greeting is thoughtful and sweet. It would offend no one and please everyone, and that, by definition, is good manners.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother of a 10-year-old who also cares for my elderly mother at my home. I have had a lot of stress in my life and have gained a lot of weight.

After much investigation, I decided to have weight-loss surgery to better my health and energy. I ended up financing the surgery with a no-interest loan for five years. I do not regret my decision; it has helped with my self-esteem and outlook on life.

My problem is a friend of mine now shuns me. I suspect it is because she did not agree with my decision to pay for this surgery. She is being married this year, and I would never give her advice on how to spend her money on her wedding or otherwise. Why would this person not be happy for me and support my decision that did not involve her? -- HURT IN OHIO

DEAR HURT: If your theory is correct, it appears your "friend" was extremely controlling and is punishing you because you went against her wishes. Or she may have been somehow so invested in your remaining fat that your "escape" from that role is a threat to her, which would mean that she is competitive or jealous. Neither is a particularly attractive trait, and you are probably better off without this woman in your life. From my perspective, consider it another "health benefit" of your surgery.

DEAR ABBY: Four years ago, I gave a bridal shower for our eldest granddaughter, "Liz," one month before her wedding. Two weeks later they canceled the wedding. Liz did not return the gifts, nor did she write thank-yous for them. I was embarrassed by her lack of courtesy and appreciation to those who participated, as well as to me. Liz is a college graduate. Her mother, our daughter, knows better -- but apparently was not able to influence her daughter's behavior.

Soon afterward, the local daily paper had a series of articles on the frequency of wedding cancellations. It specifically said that unused gifts were to be returned, and that thank-yous were to be sent.

Abby, if another wedding is planned, Liz may expect me to host another bridal shower and include these same relatives. I plan to tell her that I hope to give one shower to each of our eight grandchildren, if I can. Am I being unreasonable? -- DISTRESSED GRANDMA

DEAR GRANDMA: Your granddaughter may suffer from "great expectations," but that doesn't mean you have to comply. A bridal shower is a gift, and you are under no obligation to host another one. It's not "unreasonable" to draw the line, and that's what you should do. However, it's possible that you won't be asked because it might have such strong associations for your granddaughter with the wedding that fell through. (Cross your fingers!)

DEAR ABBY: Please settle a disagreement between my husband and me. When we get in line at the checkout stand at the grocery store, he says if the bar is not behind the groceries of the person in front of you, that we need to wait until they're done before putting our groceries on the counter. (Sometimes I can't reach the bar.)

I say it's rude for the shopper in front not to put up the bar if it's out of my reach, and I put the groceries on the counter, leaving an obvious space. Who's right? -- KATHY IN ORLANDO, FLA.

DEAR KATHY: You are. Now stop arguing.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)