DEAR ABBY: I'm an attractive, single, 30-year-old woman who has some hang-ups and problems dating -- like anyone. But my most annoying and recurring problem is this:

For some reason, the men I date have the need to point out other attractive women to me. Sometimes it's a passing, "There was an attractive girl there, and she said ..." And sometimes it's, "She's hot!" about a woman on television, and the list goes on.

I once heard a saying, "One should never speak of one beautiful woman in the presence of another," and it bothers me a lot when they do this. I don't do that to the men I date, as I find it disrespectful.

Am I silly for feeling this way? And if not, how can I tell them politely to stop? -- WANTS TO BE RESPECTED IN OHIO

DEAR WANTS TO BE RESPECTED: I used to feel the same way you do -- threatened if someone I was with mentioned that someone else was attractive. What a waste of energy. Then I realized that once it was out of their mouths, it was usually out of their heads, and I relaxed and didn't let it get to me.

However, because you have mentioned to these men that it bothers you and they persist, try giving them a dose of their own medicine. If a hunk appears on screen, elbow them and say, "Oooh, isn't he hot?" or, "Doesn't he have the cutest little tush?" Then watch their reaction. Perhaps if they find themselves on the receiving end, they'll learn empathy. I can't guarantee it will work, but it's worth a try.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I moved into our new apartment about two months ago. Our only shared wall is the bedroom wall, and we hear a lot more than we care to.

I haven't met my new neighbors yet, so what's the best way to handle this? Should we try to just ignore it? Should I leave an anonymous note? Or should we knock on their door, introduce ourselves and kindly ask them to be more discreet? -- TRYING TO SHUT MY EARS, GRAND ISLAND, N.Y.

DEAR TRYING TO SHUT MY EARS: There are several ways to handle it, but it should not be done anonymously.

1. Write your neighbors a short note, explaining that you are the new neighbors and feel you are learning more about them than is appropriate, and asking them to lower the volume (or the temperature).

2. Clip this column, and include it with a short note saying that although many renters share this problem, it also applies to them.

3. Tape-record them and leave them a copy -- explaining that you are the new next-door neighbors.

DEAR ABBY: I am a freshman in college. I just bought my Christmas cards, but I need to know a little bit about proper etiquette in sending them out. My concern is regarding my friends who still live with their parents. Would it be inappropriate to address the card only to my friends? Would it be better to address the card to my friend and then write a short message inside along the lines of, "Wishing you and your family a happy holiday"? I'm confused and want to do the right thing. -- LAUREN IN LEXINGTON, KY.

DEAR LAUREN: It's certainly proper to address the Christmas cards to your friends only. However, I think the idea of including the rest of the family in the greeting is thoughtful and sweet. It would offend no one and please everyone, and that, by definition, is good manners.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother of a 10-year-old who also cares for my elderly mother at my home. I have had a lot of stress in my life and have gained a lot of weight.

After much investigation, I decided to have weight-loss surgery to better my health and energy. I ended up financing the surgery with a no-interest loan for five years. I do not regret my decision; it has helped with my self-esteem and outlook on life.

My problem is a friend of mine now shuns me. I suspect it is because she did not agree with my decision to pay for this surgery. She is being married this year, and I would never give her advice on how to spend her money on her wedding or otherwise. Why would this person not be happy for me and support my decision that did not involve her? -- HURT IN OHIO

DEAR HURT: If your theory is correct, it appears your "friend" was extremely controlling and is punishing you because you went against her wishes. Or she may have been somehow so invested in your remaining fat that your "escape" from that role is a threat to her, which would mean that she is competitive or jealous. Neither is a particularly attractive trait, and you are probably better off without this woman in your life. From my perspective, consider it another "health benefit" of your surgery.

DEAR ABBY: Four years ago, I gave a bridal shower for our eldest granddaughter, "Liz," one month before her wedding. Two weeks later they canceled the wedding. Liz did not return the gifts, nor did she write thank-yous for them. I was embarrassed by her lack of courtesy and appreciation to those who participated, as well as to me. Liz is a college graduate. Her mother, our daughter, knows better -- but apparently was not able to influence her daughter's behavior.

Soon afterward, the local daily paper had a series of articles on the frequency of wedding cancellations. It specifically said that unused gifts were to be returned, and that thank-yous were to be sent.

Abby, if another wedding is planned, Liz may expect me to host another bridal shower and include these same relatives. I plan to tell her that I hope to give one shower to each of our eight grandchildren, if I can. Am I being unreasonable? -- DISTRESSED GRANDMA

DEAR GRANDMA: Your granddaughter may suffer from "great expectations," but that doesn't mean you have to comply. A bridal shower is a gift, and you are under no obligation to host another one. It's not "unreasonable" to draw the line, and that's what you should do. However, it's possible that you won't be asked because it might have such strong associations for your granddaughter with the wedding that fell through. (Cross your fingers!)

DEAR ABBY: Please settle a disagreement between my husband and me. When we get in line at the checkout stand at the grocery store, he says if the bar is not behind the groceries of the person in front of you, that we need to wait until they're done before putting our groceries on the counter. (Sometimes I can't reach the bar.)

I say it's rude for the shopper in front not to put up the bar if it's out of my reach, and I put the groceries on the counter, leaving an obvious space. Who's right? -- KATHY IN ORLANDO, FLA.

DEAR KATHY: You are. Now stop arguing.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: A schoolmate of mine died recently. To pay respects to his family, I attended the funeral.

A large group of his friends passed me, and they reeked of marijuana. I could literally smell them from across the room. I know that they had just lost a dear friend, but I was so offended I had to leave. No one else seemed to mind but me.

Now I feel bad because I left behind my personal friends who were mourning. Is it more disrespectful to go to a funeral smelling like drugs, or to leave before the eulogy? -- GRIEVING IN MINNESOTA

DEAR GRIEVING: Going somewhere "reeking of marijuana" would qualify as extremely poor judgment. Attending an emotional event such as a funeral when stoned (or drunk) is also a mistake, because substance abuse can alter a person's perception of what is going on and lead that person to behave inappropriately. (An example that comes to mind would be a laughing jag -- during a eulogy.)

As to leaving a funeral before the eulogy, the polite way to handle it would have been to explain quietly to one or more of your sober friends why you had to go and make your exit discreetly, so as few people as possible noticed you leaving.

DEAR ABBY: As a security officer at a crowded shopping mall, I am hoping you will spread the word about a serious concern that only becomes worse during the holidays: lost children.

This is one of the happiest times of the year, but it's also one of the busiest and most stressful. Parents, please make sure to designate a central location in case your party gets separated. Also, please understand that it is imperative that a child know his or her parents' first and last names. This helps security officers page and locate you in case of emergency. Also, make sure you know pertinent information like your child's height, weight, the clothes they are wearing and the last place he or she was seen.

Remember, seconds count! Most times, a lost child is simply confused and scared, but in case of a true emergency, the more information a parent or guardian can provide, the better the chances are of a quick and happy reunion.

Also, remember these policies apply to seniors who may have cognitive problems. Thanks for your help, Abby. -- MALL COP ON A MISSION

DEAR MALL COP: I'm glad to help. I hope parents of small children will take your reminder to heart and review the information with their little ones. Sometimes knowing you are "Mommy" and "Daddy" isn't quite enough.

P.S. Readers, you can find more tips for handling these situations by logging onto � HYPERLINK "http://www.missingkids.com" ��www.missingkids.com�. It's the Web site for the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children.

DEAR ABBY: There is an annoying woman in my office who insists on telling people to "smile." It's ridiculous -- as if she expects people to go around with permanent grins on their faces for no reason. What is a good response to people who order you to "Smile!" out of the blue? -- NOT FROWNING IN ONTARIO

DEAR NOT FROWNING: I agree, it is obnoxious to be ordered to smile on cue. The next time it happens, look the offender in the eye and say, "I AM smiling. If you want to see a smile, look in a mirror. Now leave me alone. I have work to do."

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)