DEAR ABBY: I am a well-educated, confident, attractive woman in my mid-30s. My job is in business development. My question is, Do I need to be a social drinker in order to be successful? A male friend of mine often harps on how I make the other drinkers uncomfortable, and how people stay out late, drinking and discussing business deals until 3 or 4 in the morning. He says I must learn to have a drink or two -- otherwise I won't be successful in getting any deals.

I never criticize others who drink, and I quietly order fruit juice when others are drinking. No one beside this friend even notices it. But he often says loudly to the server that they should find some juice for me since I don't drink. I have tried to learn to drink, but frankly, I don't enjoy it.

Also, I have seen my friend and some of the other men indulge in somewhat loose behavior as they keep having more drinks. I think I'd be wise to refrain from drinking. My friend says because I am originally from another country, that I am "different." His remarks are wearing me down, as he recently has started accusing me of not being good company.

Please tell me your thoughts on this. He is my best friend, but also has a temper. -- DESPERATELY NEEDING ADVICE IN MANHATTAN

DEAR DESPERATE: For a "best friend," this man is behaving peculiarly. "Best friends" do not announce during a business dinner that a colleague is "different." He appears to be someone who has a drinking problem, and is trying to coerce you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable so your sobriety won't make him feel guilty.

When someone accuses you of not being good company because you don't drink, it means he's looking for a drinking buddy. This man has more problems than you're equipped to deal with, and he won't help you advance your career. My advice is to distance yourself from him.

DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away four months ago. The night she died, a sibling of mine took her purse home and brought it back the next day with the checkbook and credit cards gone. I asked about them and was told they "took care of them."

Last week, I received a copy of mother's credit card statement in the mail. It had more than $2,500 in charges after she passed away. I know who did the charging, but I don't know how to approach that person. It was a sibling of mine. Please advise me, as the estate is now in probate. -- MOTHERLESS IN MISSOURI

DEAR MOTHERLESS: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your mother, as well as the loss of your illusions about your sibling. I see no reason for you to confront the person who did the stealing, but you should definitely report it to the attorney who is handling your mother's probate.

DEAR ABBY: I am 35 years old and have been divorced for four years. Hypothetically speaking, if I decide to never remarry or if I remarry 20 years from now, what is my marital status between now and that time?

I consider myself single, not divorced. If I'm still single at the age of 55 -- or 80, for that matter -- I'd hate to refer to myself as "divorced," giving people the idea that I was divorced recently. -- IN A QUANDARY

DEAR IN A QUANDARY: You may consider yourself single and not divorced, but if you were married and divorced four years ago, you're divorced. If you're still single at 55 -- or 80, for that matter -- tell the questioner you were "married at one time but it was many years ago." That way you won't have to mention the word "divorce," and the person will get the correct message.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: The short story is, I slept with a married co-worker. I paid him to come to my house to hook up my computer, but when he arrived, everything but that happened. He had been flirting with me for months, and when he got here one thing just led to another.

He is a complicated mess, and I knew that going in, but I allowed myself to do it anyway. Now when we're at work, he acts like nothing ever happened. Guilt is not his thing. He has other women in the office on the line, as well as several others I have heard about through the grapevine.

I am confused by my need to be around this man and wonder what I was thinking. I feel hollow, sick and lonelier than I did before. I have been widowed 10 years and have never slept with anyone else until now.

How do I handle, first, my feelings, and second, the work relationship? I am beginning to wonder if he did this out of pity for my being lonely. If that's the case, I feel even worse.

Please help me deal with the guilt and understand why I did this, and come out of this with some self-respect. -- CONFUSED AND ASHAMED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR CONFUSED AND ASHAMED: You probably were thinking how nice it felt that someone made you feel attractive and special after 10 years of widowhood. That kind of a "high" can be pretty intoxicating. You feel "hollow, sick and more lonely than before" because you didn't get what you really wanted, and you know you sold yourself short.

Rather than continue beating yourself up over this, use it to spur yourself into getting out and meeting eligible men so you can find what you need in a relationship that has a future. As to how to handle things at work, keep your communications with the office Romeo short and strictly business-related. He appears to have already put this behind him, and so should you.

P.S. If you paid him to hook up your computer and all you got was sex -- you know what that makes him. He owes you a refund, but don't count on getting one.

DEAR ABBY: I come from a mid-Atlantic state. I recently met a woman named "Diana" from New England. When Diana introduced herself, she pronounced her name "Di-ann-er."

When I address her, should I pronounce her name as she does? Or should I pronounce it "Di-ann-a" in my normal manner? I don't want to seem like I'm mocking her by mimicking a New England accent, but I also don't want to mispronounce her name.

My friends and family are split on what is more courteous. What do you think? -- BETH IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR BETH: Your question brought to mind the old song lyric, "You say 'potato' and I say 'po-tah-to.' You say 'tomato' and I say 'to-mah-to.'" In your case, the polite thing to do is also the safest. Pronounce Diana's name as you normally would, and you won't get into trouble.

DEAR ABBY: I come from a mid-Atlantic state. I recently met a woman named "Diana" from New England. When Diana introduced herself, she pronounced her name "Di-ann-er."

When I address her, should I pronounce her name as she does? Or should I pronounce it "Di-ann-a" in my normal manner? I don't want to seem like I'm mocking her by mimicking a New England accent, but I also don't want to mispronounce her name.

My friends and family are split on what is more courteous. What do you think? -- BETH IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR BETH: Your question brought to mind the old song lyric, "You say 'potato' and I say 'po-tah-to.' You say 'tomato' and I say 'to-mah-to.'" In your case, the polite thing to do is also the safest. Pronounce Diana's name as you normally would, and you won't get into trouble.

DEAR READERS: This Saturday, Dec. 2, the Hallmark Channel will air a made-for-television movie, "The Christmas Card," that features a romance strikingly similar to the ones that have resulted from Operation Dear Abby.

As you know, many romances, marriages and children have "sprung" from Operation Dear Abby, which supports our men and women in the military stationed worldwide. So, tune in, sit back and enjoy it with me!

And now that the holiday season is in full swing, remember to take a moment and send a holiday greeting to our men and women in the military by logging onto � HYPERLINK "http://www.operationdearabby.net" ��www.operationdearabby.net�.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a wonderful man for two years. We both have daughters the same age, born the same year. They will be 17 next March.

My husband works all day and I stay home and take care of the kids. (I also have two other girls, both under 10.) My problem is the 16-year-olds sneak around and do things behind my back when they are told they cannot do them.

One big issue is that although my ex has custody of my daughter, she stays with me because she cannot be trusted alone at his house. My husband and I bought the older girls cell phones to keep tabs on them when they are not at home. But the cell phones have caused so much arguing in the house that it's unreal.

Both girls have been told they cannot talk after midnight, but every time I get the bill, there are calls after midnight. I'm talking about 1 a.m., 2 a.m. -- even 4 a.m. They say I am wrong not to let them talk after 12 because they are adults, I am a mean mother, and I just want to prevent them from having a life. Now my daughter is saying that as soon as she's 17, she is moving out because she cannot stand it here. What should I do? -- STRESSED MOTHER IN MICHIGAN

DEAR STRESSED MOTHER: Confiscate the cell phones at bedtime. Your daughter may be 16, but she's acting like a 10-year-old. The person who pays for the cell phone makes the rules. It's up to you to enforce them.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 13-year-old girl in the eighth grade. I get treated like a slut every day. Boys keep coming up to me asking me to have sex with them and be their little slave girl. I say no, but they won't stop!

About five months ago I almost committed suicide. I try to ignore them, really I do. Abby, could you please help me? Please! -- NOT A SLUT IN S. CAROLINA

DEAR NOT: There's a name what these boys are doing -- it's called sexual harassment. It is very important that you tell a teacher what has been going on, because by law, the school administration can -- and must -- put a stop to it.

These boys think they are being sophisticated, clever and funny when in reality they are none of the above. They need to be punished. And you, my dear, may need professional counseling to get over the trauma and depression their foolishness has caused.

Please clip this and show it to your parents and the teacher you confide in. Your problem is serious and needs to be dealt with immediately.

DEAR ABBY: I have lost three friends, and I'm hoping you can tell me where I went wrong. If this had happened just once, I would suspect that I was overly sensitive. But three times?

These three friends are now widows. When they lost their husbands, my husband and I sent condolences, attended the funerals and attempted to be supportive. Since losing their husbands, Friend No. 1 has been exceptionally cool, Friend No. 2 left me abruptly in the middle of a sentence, and Friend No. 3 snipes at me at what seems every opportunity. What is wrong? -- PUZZLED IN WISCONSIN

DEAR PUZZLED: Your friends may simply be grieving, or they may be envious that you still have your husband. Or each could have a different reason. I don't know these women.

Frankly, your letter is unusual, given the fact that more often I hear from widows who tell me they are sad because the couples with whom they used to socialize have now "dropped" THEM.

Make another attempt to include these friends in a social outing or invite each over for a home-cooked meal. If they refuse -- or accept, yet still seem cool or unfriendly -- then leave them alone, and rest assured that you made the effort to reach out to them.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)