DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a wonderful man for two years. We both have daughters the same age, born the same year. They will be 17 next March.

My husband works all day and I stay home and take care of the kids. (I also have two other girls, both under 10.) My problem is the 16-year-olds sneak around and do things behind my back when they are told they cannot do them.

One big issue is that although my ex has custody of my daughter, she stays with me because she cannot be trusted alone at his house. My husband and I bought the older girls cell phones to keep tabs on them when they are not at home. But the cell phones have caused so much arguing in the house that it's unreal.

Both girls have been told they cannot talk after midnight, but every time I get the bill, there are calls after midnight. I'm talking about 1 a.m., 2 a.m. -- even 4 a.m. They say I am wrong not to let them talk after 12 because they are adults, I am a mean mother, and I just want to prevent them from having a life. Now my daughter is saying that as soon as she's 17, she is moving out because she cannot stand it here. What should I do? -- STRESSED MOTHER IN MICHIGAN

DEAR STRESSED MOTHER: Confiscate the cell phones at bedtime. Your daughter may be 16, but she's acting like a 10-year-old. The person who pays for the cell phone makes the rules. It's up to you to enforce them.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 13-year-old girl in the eighth grade. I get treated like a slut every day. Boys keep coming up to me asking me to have sex with them and be their little slave girl. I say no, but they won't stop!

About five months ago I almost committed suicide. I try to ignore them, really I do. Abby, could you please help me? Please! -- NOT A SLUT IN S. CAROLINA

DEAR NOT: There's a name what these boys are doing -- it's called sexual harassment. It is very important that you tell a teacher what has been going on, because by law, the school administration can -- and must -- put a stop to it.

These boys think they are being sophisticated, clever and funny when in reality they are none of the above. They need to be punished. And you, my dear, may need professional counseling to get over the trauma and depression their foolishness has caused.

Please clip this and show it to your parents and the teacher you confide in. Your problem is serious and needs to be dealt with immediately.

DEAR ABBY: I have lost three friends, and I'm hoping you can tell me where I went wrong. If this had happened just once, I would suspect that I was overly sensitive. But three times?

These three friends are now widows. When they lost their husbands, my husband and I sent condolences, attended the funerals and attempted to be supportive. Since losing their husbands, Friend No. 1 has been exceptionally cool, Friend No. 2 left me abruptly in the middle of a sentence, and Friend No. 3 snipes at me at what seems every opportunity. What is wrong? -- PUZZLED IN WISCONSIN

DEAR PUZZLED: Your friends may simply be grieving, or they may be envious that you still have your husband. Or each could have a different reason. I don't know these women.

Frankly, your letter is unusual, given the fact that more often I hear from widows who tell me they are sad because the couples with whom they used to socialize have now "dropped" THEM.

Make another attempt to include these friends in a social outing or invite each over for a home-cooked meal. If they refuse -- or accept, yet still seem cool or unfriendly -- then leave them alone, and rest assured that you made the effort to reach out to them.

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DEAR ABBY: I have a problem with my in-laws. My brother-in-law will never invite his parents for Christmas, so my husband always insists we have a combined family Christmas with my parents so his parents are not left alone.

The problem is my in-laws have bad-mouthed my parents in the past, and they treat my parents as if they are "less than." They also don't treat me all that great.

I get into fights every year with my husband about this. This year I tried to compromise, saying I'd have the in-laws over for Christmas Eve, but my husband will not bend. He wants both families here, which means I will be uncomfortable all day. It is my Christmas, too. I know it's only one day, but why should I have to compromise and be unhappy for the rest of my life? Please help. -- DREADING CHRISTMAS IN HOWELL, MICH.

DEAR DREADING CHRISTMAS: You have to compromise because, when you married your wonderful husband, you blended your family with his -- obnoxious and pretentious as they may be. You compromise because marriage IS compromise. Keep the spirits bright by keeping the atmosphere as light as possible -- and your in-laws separate from your parents. And remember that the illusion of the "perfect family" is just that -- an illusion.

DEAR ABBY: My parents divorced several years ago because my father had an affair. After a couple of years, he came crawling back to Mom, promising that he would never do it again. She took him back, and they were remarried a few years ago. My younger siblings and I were so happy.

I am now married and living in the city, and I was recently visiting. My parents were out of town, and I was taking care of my much-younger siblings. I was given access to my dad's computer to keep track of the kids' schedules, and quite accidentally I came across a love letter e-mailed from another woman. I couldn't help reading more of the letters that I found from her -- and his responses. He's having another affair. I also found letters from yet another woman in his e-mail as well.

Now I don't know what to do. If I don't tell Mom, I will be tacitly enabling him to continue cheating on her. But if I do tell, I am terrified I'll rip my family apart all over again. I don't ever want to talk to my father again. His treatment of my mother makes me sick. Please help me. -- AMBIVALENT IN CHICAGO

DEAR AMBIVALENT: Although it was wrong to have searched through your father's personal correspondence, it may be just as well that you did. Your mother should be told what you found. She needs to be able to make an informed decision about whether this is the kind of marriage she wishes to continue. And she also needs to be checked for STDs, because it appears your father is sexually compulsive and is unable to change his ways.

DEAR ABBY: I was wondering if you could please advise me as to the three most important things in a relationship. I had a disagreement with a friend regarding this topic and hope you can enlighten me with your opinion on this serious subject. Thank you. -- SLEEPLESS IN ARIZONA

DEAR SLEEPLESS: The answer to your question would probably vary depending on the values of the people involved in the relationship. However, to me, the most important qualities are trust, communication and a sense of humor.

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DEAR ABBY: What has happened to professional courtesy in the workplace? I am a high school teacher, and recently a colleague learned that he was being replaced by another teacher when he read it in the school board minutes! The principal did not even extend the courtesy of telling him in person -- although his room and her office are only yards apart. Abby, that teacher could have been applying for other jobs.

Another example: My daughter works in the television industry and is quite successful. Months ago, she was contacted by a major network asking if she was interested in applying for an opening with them. They interviewed her twice, then flew her cross-country at their expense for a final interview, at which time she was told she would hear from them the following week. That was two months ago. Is it that difficult for a prospective employer to call and say, "We offered the position to someone else," or "We haven't decided yet"?

Finally, my son, a college student, was told he would hear in one week when he was to start a new job. That was five weeks ago. Couldn't the employer have been honest up front and told him that perhaps they wouldn't need him right then? My son could have accepted another job and have been earning money instead of waiting.

Employers: Prospective employees have lives and obligations. Put yourselves in their shoes. How would you like to put your life on hold while someone dangles a carrot in front of you? Please show some professional courtesy! -- DISAPPOINTED IN NEWPORT, PA.

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Sometimes people have an aversion to giving others bad news, so they say nothing, figuring the message will get out -- eventually. Obviously, the principal wimped out rather than face the teacher and tell him his contract would not be renewed.

As for your daughter's experience, "show biz" is notorious for its lack of empathy -- and even honesty -- when it comes to telling someone things aren't working out. I hope she lands a higher-paying job at another network.

Your son's experience this summer could provide a valuable lesson for him. In the future, if someone tells him he'll get word in seven days and it doesn't happen, he should resume his job search on day No. 8. Period.

DEAR ABBY: I am 11 years old and I have a problem. When I call some of my "friends," they don't return my calls. But the thing is, they said they'd return my calls. Well, guess what -- they haven't!

The only friend I feel I actually have is my boyfriend, but I need a friend who's a girl. My mom and dad say, "Wait for them to come to you," but I have been doing it for five years. I have a little brother, but he's annoying! I feel lonely, but also like a "nudge." What should I do? -- LONELY AND BAMBOOZLED IN S. CAROLINA

DEAR LONELY: I'm sure that, at one time or another, everyone has promised to call someone and it has slipped his or her mind. However, when it happens consistently, then the promise-breakers are sending a message -- and the message is they are not "friends."

Five years is more than enough time to "wait" for people to respond to offers of friendship. Please tell your parents that the time has come to help you get involved in activities outside this circle of acquaintances -- possibly extracurricular activities and/or religious-based youth activities so you can meet girls who will be more inclusive. Boyfriends may be great, but girlfriends usually last longer.

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