DEAR ABBY: My 19-year-old son, "Clay," took his grandmother's car while she was sleeping to run over to his friend's house around the corner. He doesn't have a driver's license, and ended up wrecking her car, which is completely totaled.

His uncle and I want our mom to press charges against him, but she doesn't want to. Clay is my son and I love him, but I think he needs to step up, act like an adult and take responsibility. Should we make her press charges? -- DISGUSTED IN GALVESTON, TEXAS

DEAR DISGUSTED: At 19, your son is no longer a child. How is he going to learn about consequences if he isn't forced to take responsibility for his actions? Although I'm not sure you can force your mother to press charges, if your son is living at home, you can insist that he somehow make restitution for the damage he caused.

As it stands, this young man has already broken two laws -- driving without a license and car theft. (I wonder if he was also under the influence when he totaled the car.)

Perhaps you, your son and your mother can agree on an amount and a schedule of repayment.

DEAR ABBY: A friend recently announced that she's pregnant. She has a stepson and another child with her husband. Last week, I received an e-mail from her giving me her sister-in-law's contact information. In it, she said that she's leaving it up to "us" to "work out the details" of the shower!

I was stunned because I wasn't aware that I was expected to help plan the shower or to contribute to it financially. I provided the cake and half the food for her first one, and I was happy to do it. I didn't know I was "expected" to do it again without being asked.

Is it the norm to have a second baby shower? And isn't a baby shower supposed to be a surprise for the new mom? Am I wrong for feeling that her attitude is presumptuous? I don't mind preparing food or the cake, but how do I tactfully tell her and her sister-in-law that I cannot contribute financially to this? -- "RATTLED" IN ILLINOIS

DEAR "RATTLED": Years ago, there was a rule of etiquette that one baby shower to a customer was enough. However, more recently, people have come to recognize that the birth of every child should be celebrated. It can be a surprise for the new mother, or not.

However, a shower is a gift -- and for your friend to have expected one or solicited one is wrong. I recommend that you tell her in plain English what you are prepared to do and what you cannot. The food or the cake should be more than enough.

DEAR READERS: If someone you know aspires to a career in news reporting, and you're wondering what would be a perfect holiday gift for him or her, a copy of Helen Thomas' new book, "Watchdogs of Democracy?" would be an excellent choice.

Helen (a.k.a. "The Lady in Red") is a trailblazing journalist who has covered the White House beat through nine presidencies and has much to say in this readable little volume.

One of the most fascinating conversationalists I know, Helen Thomas' comments about what it takes to be a responsible journalist should be read not only by anyone who wants to be one, but also anyone who looks to the news as a way of staying informed.

Published by Scribner, the book is available in bookstores and on amazon.com.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Jimmy," and I moved to the United States from an Asian country 15 years ago. About seven years ago, he lost a lot of money in the stock market. After that, he quit his well-paying job to do day trading and recover the money he lost. He has tried several strategies; none has made any money.

I have a good job, so Jimmy doesn't feel pressured to support his family. However, he's become chronically angry, constantly criticizing me and the kids. His self-esteem is down and he has become extremely impatient, giving me and the kids the silent treatment for days and weeks over little things that make him angry.

Both of our families are back home in Asia, and I do not have a strong support system here. Jimmy doesn't care about socializing with people from our culture and doesn't go out with the family. I have suggested counseling; he doesn't have much faith in it. I have gone for two counseling sessions on my own, which helped me to recognize that he's being verbally abusive.

The negativity in our house is so bad that even our kids don't want to be in the same room as their father. I have considered divorce, but it's not easily accepted in my culture, and I am afraid of being on my own and scared of making such a big decision.

I have tried everything -- offering to help him, be there for him, trying to appease him when he's angry, even though it's not my fault, giving him his space, etc. We are living together for convenience and practicality, but there is no relationship left. We live parallel lives and avoid each other.

Even before changing professions, Jimmy was arrogant, difficult to get along with and had a temper -- but now it has gone from bad to worse. I don't know what to do anymore. Any suggestions you can give would be helpful. -- BEWILDERED ASIAN WIFE

DEAR BEWILDERED WIFE: Your husband used the stock market to gamble, and he lost big time -- as did a lot of other investors who mistook the stock market for a sure thing. He may be mad at the world, but he's probably angrier at himself, and he appears to be taking it out on the people closest to him.

You can't fix him. Until your husband is ready to admit that he is the problem -- and do something about it -- the best advice I can offer is to consider carefully how his abusive behavior is affecting your children. If you stay, your son(s) will grow up thinking this is normal, and probably repeat it with their wives. And your daughter(s) will likely marry someone "just like dear old Dad."

My advice is to offer your husband the option of counseling one more time, and if he refuses, to consult an attorney about a legal separation. That way you will no longer be responsible for any more debt he may incur. And then, either get him out of the house or take the children to a healthier environment. It wouldn't have to be fancy -- just tension-free. You absolutely cannot continue being the golden goose that gets kicked around. It's bad for you, destructive for your children, and it isn't helping your husband.

P.S. More counseling for you is a must! It will serve as the support system you need while your family goes through this period of transition.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Have a safe and happy Thanksgiving!

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a man who feels all alone in the world. My mother once told me I was the "experimental child" (seeing as I'm the oldest of two).

My girlfriend doesn't understand the living hell of post-traumatic stress from a tour in Iraq, and every time I need comforting, I am pushed away. The only friends who I'm in contact with are her family. Support from my family isn't easy to get.

My father, a Vietnam veteran, understands what I'm going through, but has told me he chooses to stay away because he's afraid of a possible relapse. Help! -- STRESSED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR STRESSED: Consider this: You may have been the "experimental child," but the outcome was obviously a success because your mother went on to bring another child into the world.

I'm not sure that anyone who hasn't been through it -- or isn't a trained psychotherapist -- can truly understand the pain of post-traumatic stress. And that is why I'm urging you to contact your nearest veterans hospital.

More than in wars past, the military medical system seems to appreciate that a large number of vets returning from Iraq and Afghanistan will need professional help to overcome their trauma. Help is available, so please don't wait to reach out for it. And while you're at it, take your father with you, because it appears he could use some help, too.

Please let me hear from you again in a few months, because I care. And I have a strong hunch you will have started the healing process.

DEAR ABBY: My stepdaughter is pregnant with her third child. We are all excited about the arrival. We were recently told of the baby's name, which is beautiful. My only concern is the way it's being spelled.

The name will be spelled as "Jasiela," although the mother-to-be is pronouncing it "Gisella." Do I need to address the way she's spelling it, for the sake of the child? -- HESITANT IN HITCHCOCK, TEXAS

DEAR HESITANT: Yes. When the little girl gets to school, her classmates and teachers will naturally want to pronounce her name the way it is spelled. And phonetically, "Jasiela" would be pronounced "Jazzy-Ella." It will cause far less confusion if Mom learns the correct spelling for the name she has chosen.

DEAR ABBY: I am 10 years old and I'm concerned about my 11-year-old friend. I'll call her "Riley." We're in the same class at school, and every day I hear her say, "I need to lose weight. I'm sooo fat." Then she tells me, "I want your body. You're so skinny."

But Abby, Riley isn't fat at all! She's really skinny. Just because I weigh in the 60s and 70s, she wants to be me! I don't want Riley to become anorexic, and I try to help her, but she won't listen to me. Please help. -- RILEY'S FRIEND, MONROE, N.Y.

DEAR FRIEND: For someone so young, you are a very sharp girl. When a thin person looks in the mirror and sees herself as "fat," it could, indeed, indicate that the person may need professional help. Please tell your teacher what you have told me. The teacher can see to it that Riley's mother is made aware of her daughter's problem -- because that's what it is, and it could lead to an eating disorder if she doesn't already have one.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)