DEAR ABBY: When I go to parties or functions, I often hear subtle or direct gay-bashing. The source is never married people. Married people talk about their kids. No, it is usually single men, often ones who are ex-jocks.

I have also observed this behavior in different social settings and non-professional athletic competitions. The source is always single men.

I'm single and live with my girlfriend. After a divorce and two kids, I don't feel the need to justify that I'm a single man who likes women. (I didn't feel that way before I was married, either.)

I have never challenged these single men who put down gay people, so I don't know what's going on in their heads. I can only theorize that they "bash" gays in order to prove to the rest of us that they are heterosexual males.

Could you please explain to these people that others do not think they are gay just because they're single? Today, men and women stay single longer, and sometimes, by preference or fate –- never marry. Could you inform your readers what is going on out in the world -- at least the ones in this Midwestern city -- and suggest a retort? Perhaps when someone starts with a gay joke, the standard reply should be ...? -- SINGLE AND OFFENDED IN KANSAS CITY, MO.

DEAR OFFENDED: I agree with your theory that men who tell gay "jokes" are probably insecure on some level about their own masculinity. And the most deeply closeted or insecure can be the most vocal in an effort to hide their own leanings and fit in.

One way to discourage such comments when you hear them would be to reply, "I don't find that particularly funny. Why do you think it's funny?" Then let them try to explain. Or, you might say, "You might think that's funny -- but has it occurred to you that someone here might have a gay relative and be hurt by that kind of humor?" I'll bet the thought that they could be surrounded by people who think they are tasteless, insecure or not too bright has never occurred to them.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a stay-at-home mom with three children. My first, age 19, is from my first marriage. The 4- and 7-year-old are from my second.

My husband believes that because he has provided a home for my son and continues to be the primary wage-earner, that it's not his job to help with getting the kids up for school, nor his responsibility to discipline them. He seems to feel entitled to pick and choose when he is parenting and being a husband. His "I'm the man of the house" is wearing thin, and I'm feeling hopeless.

I have told him how this makes me feel, and that the kids aren't learning some necessary skills from him. Where do I go from here? -- FRUSTRATED IN SCHENECTADY, N.Y.

DEAR FRUSTRATED: When a man has to resort to "I'm the man of the house," it usually means he's not much of a man.

Please point out to your husband that one of the most important components in parenting is consistency on the part of both parents. When this man married you, he accepted partial responsibility for your son. And when he fathered more children, he should have realized that parenthood, and enforcing the rules, is a partnership.

Real men stand up and be counted -- and I'm not talking about their paychecks. A marriage counselor may be able to get your husband to recognize that fact.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing about the letter from "In Love in Kansas" (10/2), whose priest is predicting that if she marries her fiance, the marriage won't last.

When my husband and I were married, the priest who married us was the same one who had seen my parents through their divorce and divorce counseling. Therefore, he had a negative view of every member of our family. The entire time we were in premarital counseling, which is required in my religion, "Father John" was very pessimistic and went so far as to repeatedly try to talk my fiance out of marrying me. Well, it didn't work. We got married.

On our wedding day, the entire ceremony was videotaped from start to finish. Little did we know until we viewed our videotape that on this keepsake, Father John, who had just pronounced us man and wife, said directly to the camera, "Don't blame me for this. I tried to talk them out of it." Needless to say, my husband and I were both stunned and horrified.

My advice to "In Love in Kansas" is, if this is the attitude of her officiate, change officiates! Father John was a man I had known for several years. He knew my family well and still behaved this way. Had I known what was going to happen, I never would have let him marry us. -- TOO TRUSTING IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR TOO TRUSTING: The mail that letter generated has been all over the map on this subject. However, I can think of only one excuse for your priest's behavior -- he must have had two sips too many of the sacramental wine. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The young woman who is about to be married and is disturbed by the priest's comments should heed his warning. My daughter ignored her priest's advice that she and her fiance, "Brad," were "not compatible," saying, "He didn't understand the questions." To date, her husband has fathered an illegitimate child, given her an STD, spends a lot of time on "hunting" vacations -- and I caught him with another woman. Because I told my daughter what I witnessed, Brad has forbidden me any contact with the kids.

So you see, the priest was right! -- THE CREEP'S MOTHER-IN-LAW

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I had a similar experience when we were wed. We were both in the military at the time and had been assigned the base chaplain for our ceremony. It seems our priest didn't approve of married women serving in the military, so he suggested to us that in a "successful" marriage the wife stayed home. He even took it one step further: During the ceremony he expressed his doubts about whether our marriage would last. Happily, we proved him wrong. We are celebrating our 20th anniversary this year.

My advice to "Kansas" is: Don't worry about the naysayers. Work on your marriage every day and enjoy each other. -- 20 YEARS AND COUNTING

DEAR ABBY: Fifteen years ago, my priest, "Father Gregory," told me the same thing. I was very offended. Yet as time has passed, almost everything Father Gregory predicted has come true! All of the problems we ignored prior to our marriage have come back to haunt us. "In Love in Kansas" should get specifics from that priest about why he has these feelings. It could save her a lot of grief. Please pass this on. -- SAD IN SAN DIMAS

DEAR ABBY: That letter had a familiar ring. A priest told my girlfriend that she shouldn't marry me, too. Well, we've been married 34 years now. We're so glad she didn't listen. -- RICK IN AUDUBON, N.J.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Larry and I have been married for 12 years. We have never kept secrets from each other -- but I have one that I have never told him. It happened 20 years ago.

I was a single mom. My daughter and I lived in a poor neighborhood. It was raining and I didn't have a car or money for a bus, so I hitched a ride. A man picked us up. He took us to her grammar school; I thanked him and got out.

After I got my daughter inside, I went back out. The man was still there. He told me to get in and offered to take me where I needed to go. Like a dummy, I got back in the car. He drove to a secluded area, parked, told me he had a knife and said he would kill me if I didn't perform a sex act on him. I complied because I thought he meant what he said.

Later he drove me back downtown and, when he stopped for a light, I jumped out. I never looked back. I never told anyone, not even the police. I was too ashamed. Should I tell my husband now? I don't want to hurt him or our marriage. I feel like such a fool! -- ASHAMED IN IDAHO

DEAR ASHAMED: You're not a "dummy" and you're not a "fool." You were in a bind, you were trusting, and you were assaulted. The person who should be ashamed is the criminal who perpetrated the act -- not you. You were the victim, and you weren't at fault. Victims are never at fault for the crimes committed against them.

Not knowing your husband, I can't decide for you whether or not disclosing the assault would be good or bad for your marriage. However, if you will call the Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network (RAINN), the counselors there will connect you with a crisis center in your local area -- as they do for countless victims of sexual assault all over the country -- and they can help you make this important decision. The toll-free number is (800) 656-4673. Please don't wait any longer to get the help you need to finally close this sad chapter in your life.

DEAR ABBY: Our family just returned from a funeral, and "Aunt Mabel" is enjoying one of her favorite pastimes. She loves to discuss in great detail the survivors' reactions. She will tell anyone who will listen the exact reaction of each loved one when they heard the bad news and how they are "holding up."

I hate the thought that she'll be discussing me that way someday. It violates my sense of privacy for the people she is gossiping about.

This isn't just a nervous reaction on her part. Aunt Mabel will be telling the same stories with relish three years from now.

Is this a common topic of conversation? Are there some privacy issues here? What would be an appropriate reaction next time she launches into her blow-by-blow of grief? -- MABEL'S NIECE

DEAR NIECE: You have described someone who has nothing else to talk about and who takes pleasure in the pain of others. The next time Aunt Mabel raises the subject, tell her that hearing about people's emotional pain depresses you. Then ask her if she's seen any good movies lately -- or the latest episode of "Dancing With the Stars."

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