DEAR ABBY: I am 38, a mother of three, and my husband and I have been married 16 years. I'm an only child. Daddy passed away 10 years ago.

Now my mother, who is 74 but in good health (according to her doctor, whom I talk to regularly), insists that she "must" come and live with me. My husband has made it clear that she's not welcome. Mamma has caused untold trouble with virtually every family member over the span of her lifetime, and is cruel and verbally abusive. Her presence in our home would not be positive for our children because she is critical, demanding and impossible to please. I talk to her daily (we live seven hours apart), and every day she tells me how "mean" I am because I won't allow her to come and live with us.

Abby, I am currently working on my MBA. I would not be where I am without the love and support of my husband and three children. I cannot ask them to bear the burden of my mother, but her constant nagging is making me physically ill. What do I do? I would deeply appreciate and respect your advice. -- TORN APART IN TENNESSEE

DEAR TORN APART: For the sake of your family, do not allow yourself to be guilted into letting your mother move in. Offer to help her find a nice residence for active seniors or an assisted living facility if she feels she needs one. (Her doctor might be able to recommend some good ones.) Your mother appears to be a master at guilt and manipulation, and you may need professional help to fend her off. You are both adults, so stop letting her treat you like a naughty child. If necessary, make an appointment with a psychologist to help you through this difficult period.

P.S. Daily phone calls seem excessive. You will feel better if you do not talk to your mother as often as you have been.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl, and for almost three months I have been e-mailing a 16-year-old boy I'll call Derek. Derek tells me how much he likes me and how much he would love to date me. I feel the same way, but when I talked to my parents about it, they did not approve.

The reason is Derek's sexual past. He was having sex in his last relationship, which lasted a little over a year. My parents are concerned that he will expect that from me.

I explained to Derek that if we were to date, I would not go that far. He respected that and promised that he would never force me to do anything I wasn't comfortable with. I explained this to my parents, but they still don't trust him.

What can I do to show them I'm trustworthy enough to date an older guy and I can make good decisions for myself? – NOT A CHILD IN CASCADE, MONT.

DEAR NOT A CHILD: Your parents know you are not a child, and their concern is not that you are untrustworthy. They are concerned about Derek's trustworthiness, and whether he is mature enough to make the right decisions regarding his relationship with you in light of the fact that he was having sex with his former girlfriend for more than a year.

Although it is nice that Derek wouldn't force you to do anything you weren't comfortable with –- which could be regarded as rape, by the way -– you should ask yourself if you would both be ready to deal with the consequences if you did "get comfortable." At 14, you might be ready to socialize as part of a group, but not one-on-one. And one way to earn your parents' trust is to put some trust in their decisions.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Help! My daughter, a medical professional in her 30s who has earned bachelor's and master's degrees from two of the top universities in the country, is involved with a guy who doesn't have a high school diploma (not even a GED). She's now talking marriage to him. He does not now, nor has he to my knowledge ever, held a steady job. He lives with his aging mother.

I can see what's in it for him -- a meal ticket for the rest of his life -- but for the life of me, I can't see what my daughter has to gain from this relationship. He doesn't even talk to her with dignity and respect. I'm just baffled.

Wouldn't you know that she's convinced that her mother and I -- as well as her three siblings -- are all wrong in our assessment of him? We have always contributed to those on welfare, but, Abby, what would compel my daughter to marry a welfare case? Please help me understand. -- STRUGGLING IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR STRUGGLING: Love can sometimes be blind. Your daughter may be so physically attracted to this man that she cannot see beyond it. Or she may have a need to be needed. Or she may need to feel "important," and thinks that having the financial upper hand will assure her security in the marriage. Or she may see some quality in him that you all have overlooked. Not knowing your daughter, I can't judge whether her attraction to him is because of low self-esteem, or because it's so high she doesn't need a man as a status symbol.

DEAR ABBY: My father passed away three months ago. He remarried shortly after our mother died 10 years ago. All of us children were with him at the end. We all loved and cared for him very much.

My concern is, none of us has seen his will. Before Dad remarried, my youngest sister was supposed to be in charge of that. We are guessing that the will was changed. None of us cared for his new wife much, and we don't really want to ask her whether there is a will or not.

How long does it take for a will to be filed after a spouse has passed on? And how can we find out without talking to his second wife? -- CURIOUS IN CINCINNATI

DEAR CURIOUS: Contact your father's attorney. If your youngest sister was "supposed to be in charge of that," she might already know who that person is. That way you won't have to talk to your father's second wife, and your questions will be answered by a legal expert.

DEAR ABBY: Two of my friends are being married a distance away and are having their wedding reception here in Washington, D.C. I received an invitation a few days ago to attend the reception. I like both of them very much. They are upstanding, dedicated, outstanding individuals. They are also both guys.

I am torn. I believe that marriage is between one man and one woman. Part of me wants to attend because I am friends with them, and if I went I would be polite, charming and come bearing a gift. However, another part of me does not want to attend because I don't believe in what they are doing. What should I do? If I don't attend, am I still responsible for a gift? -- CONFUSED ABOUT ETIQUETTE

DEAR CONFUSED: I am sure that if your friends knew that you disapprove of their marriage, they would find your presence at their reception an act of hypocrisy. So send your regrets for being unable to attend. And because you will not be a part of the festivities, you are under no obligation to send a gift.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am writing to you as a last resort. I have been married for 13 years to a man who does not communicate, to say the least. I have begged, pleaded, fought and waited for him to talk about something other than his children.

Now I have met a man who is divorced, and we have wonderful conversations. There is nothing more to it than conversation at this point.

My question is, if lack of communication is the only thing wrong in a marriage, is it enough of a reason to end a marriage? I was always brought up to "hang in there" and make it work at all costs. I am at my wit's end. -- JUST WANTING TO TALK, WOODBURY, MINN.

DEAR JUST WANTING TO TALK: The "only thing wrong" in your marriage is the foundation of what a healthy marriage is built upon. When couples can't communicate, it usually poisons the rest of the relationship.

Before you invest any more of yourself in the divorced man, it's important that you and your husband get counseling from a licensed marriage and family therapist. Consider it a "hail Mary" pass at saving your marriage. I'm crossing my fingers that counseling will open the channel of communication between you and your spouse. If it doesn't, then you will have to decide how much longer you can live in intellectual and emotional isolation.

DEAR ABBY: I know an older couple who seem to have an intractable problem. The wife, who now works part time, pursued painting as a hobby for many years. Her husband does not like her paintings. Almost every time I talk to him, he complains about the "junk" that his wife refuses to get rid of.

I have suggested that he give her one room of the house (there is a spare bedroom) to do with as she wishes -- store her "junk," display her paintings, etc. He refuses, fearing it will become so cluttered that it won't be usable for overnight guests.

They rented a storage locker for several months, but the wife missed her things and brought them back. Their arguments have brought them to the brink of divorce. Have you any words of advice? Mine seem to fall on deaf ears. -- ANONYMOUS IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR ANONYMOUS: When words of advice seem to fall on deaf ears, it may be because the complainer would rather vent than listen. Offer one more bit of advice: If they have a garage, panel it and display the paintings in there -- and possibly store some of the "junk" there, too -- in cabinets, of course. After that, stay out of it.

DEAR ABBY: My friend, "Sarah," has been considering becoming a nun. She found Jesus in the summer of 2003 and converted from Judaism to Christianity. She seems passionate about her beliefs, and I support her 100 percent.

When Sarah and I were in our teens, she was in a car accident that led to the death of a young man. Although charges were never brought up, it was manslaughter, and I think she still feels guilty about it.

Do I need to report this incident to her clergy? Would this prevent her from being able to become a nun? -- SYLVIA IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR SYLVIA: I see no reason for you to "report" anything to your friend's clergyperson. Whatever confessing Sarah needed to do, she did when she converted to Christianity. As for its preventing her from becoming a nun, I see no reason why it would should. It might make her a better nun.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

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