DEAR ABBY: During the last few weeks, two young women I know have confided to me about similar situations with their boyfriends. Each said her boyfriend took her cell phone and went through her logged calls, voice messages and text messages, checking to see who she had talked to. Both young men were furious that the girls had contact with other male friends. Both incidents were frightening.

I am a middle-aged woman, and I don't feel I have an old-fashioned point of view. They asked my opinion about this, and I told them I'd never violate my husband's -- or boyfriend's or girlfriend's -- privacy by looking at mail personally addressed to them, going through their purse, wallet, checkbook or cell phone. I consider it a matter of respect and trust. Both young women claim that the calls and text messages were innocent.

What is your opinion about the privacy of cell phones and other personal items? -- CAROL IN FARIBAULT, MINN.

DEAR CAROL: Both of the boys you mentioned have serious control and insecurity issues, which could possibly lead to dating violence in the future. What they did was a huge invasion of privacy, and of enough concern to me that I question whether those relationships should continue.

As to that kind of thing happening in more mature relationships, if the level of trust has been so eroded that snooping is necessary, the relationship is already in serious trouble. Also, the person doing the snooping may be guilty of the cheating that he or she is obsessed with discovering. There's an old saying, "A person doesn't look behind the bedroom door unless he (or she) has stood there in the past."

DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Ellie," got a new puppy. The puppy was 10 weeks old and already named "Lizzy." Well, my other sister is named Elizabeth.

We live on opposite coasts and have very little contact with Elizabeth. It is only over the last year that we have really made an effort to stay in touch, mostly by e-mail. When Elizabeth heard that Ellie has a dog named Lizzy, she had a fit! Although we never called Elizabeth "Lizzy," it was part of her childhood nickname.

Elizabeth is insisting that the puppy's name be changed, and if it is not, she wants no contact regarding it. With most of the family here, including all of the nieces and nephews, I can see this leading to her refusing to visit -- which we have been trying to arrange for years. Is it fair for her to make this demand? -- UNSURE IN NEW BRUNSWICK

DEAR UNSURE: I can see why your sister might be sensitive about it, particularly if you haven't been close. In the interests of family harmony, call the dog "Izzy" or Dizzy" -- but don't call it "Lizzy."

DEAR ABBY: I was reading your online archives and saw that a few years ago you asked people to write in with funny names that matched people's occupations. Well, in case you ever want to print more, I took a class in college last year called "The Sociology of Men," and it was taught by Dr. Males. -- CATHY S., ATLANTA

DEAR CATHY: He's certainly aptly named. After that column appeared, I heard from Miss Hunger, a dietitian who was mentioned. She wanted me to know that she was a graduate of Stout University in Wisconsin. (No joke!)

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DEAR ABBY: I have a couple of issues with the answer you gave "Dumbfounded in San Jose" (8/16), the woman who discovered that her husband had a homosexual relationship in college 20 years ago. Had she discovered the relationship was with a woman, would you have advised her similarly?

You implied that, because he was bisexual, he is more inclined to be adulterous and unsafe. Being bi does not mean you necessarily have relationships with men and women, but that you can be attracted to and possibly have relationships with both sexes. You have perpetrated a stigma that homosexuals and bisexuals are unfaithful and unsafe. He has chosen to spend his life with her, so it's possible he has been faithful to that commitment. -- PHILADELPHIA READER

DEAR PHILADELPHIA READER: Let me refresh your memory. The man was overheard discussing the four-year affair he had with his college roommate when the man came to visit. They were overheard by his 16-year-old son. The wife would like to discuss it with her son and her husband "to control the damage" -- but the son "refuses and is now pretending it's not important."

I advised her that if her son didn't think it was important, he wouldn't have told her. I also said she needed to find out if her husband's bisexual activity had continued after college, and that she should be tested for STDs. That is, by the way, the same advice I have given in the past to spouses of both sexes who suspect their partner has had heterosexual affairs.

In addition, I urged family counseling because the writer was unaware of her husband's prior sexual history and the news is bound to have an effect on their marriage -- and because their son may need reassurance and help working through this. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I was appalled by your response to "Dumbfounded in San Jose." For many people, attraction is not necessarily about gender. It's about the other person. It's entirely possible that this homosexual affair was a one-time thing, based on a special attraction, and that the husband is not skulking around back alleys with other men. If so, he is not automatically an AIDS risk.

You should be fair and give this man, and his marriage, the benefit of the doubt before rushing to the emergency room. (And yes, I live "there," and maybe have been brainwashed by the evil homosexual underground into thinking there's more than one way to approach sexual orientation.) -- APPALLED IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR APPALLED: Although it is possible that the four-year affair in college was a "one-time" thing, in my opinion "experimentation" is taking a nibble of the cake, not consuming the entire thing. And remember, this man kept it a secret from the woman he married. If there were no men carrying on clandestine affairs with other men while pretending to be strictly heterosexual, I wouldn't be concerned.

What I find extremely worrisome -- and it goes beyond the facts of this letter -- is that sexually transmitted diseases that could be prevented are rampant in this country because of ignorance. Sexually active seniors are getting AIDS because they think they're somehow exempt from having to take the same precautions young people do. Parents are refusing to have their daughters vaccinated against a virus that's linked to cervical cancer because they're afraid it will give them permission to have sex before marriage. (Has it not occurred to them that these girls can cross the altar as virgins and be infected by their husbands?) Men have unprotected sex with other men and call it something else.

Sometimes I ask myself if we're living in the United States or a State of Denial. My advice was the prudent thing to do.

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DEAR ABBY: Does it make me a horrible daughter if I don't want to take my mother to visit my older sister who lives 90 miles away? According to my mother, it does. I have always taken her in the past, even when it was the last thing I wanted to do.

I was divorced for several years, but three years ago I married a wonderful man, and now I have a life. I suppose in the past my mother felt I had nothing better to do. When I act like I'd rather not go, she says things such as, "I'll be dead someday, and you won't have to bother with me." I hate that.

She also tries to drag my husband into the argument, saying he won't "let" me go, as if to suggest that I really want to go and it's his fault.

My husband says she's jealous that I have him in my life, and she feels like he's taken me from being at her beck and call. What do you think? -- FEELING GUILTY IN TENNESSEE

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: Your husband has keen insight. You're feeling guilty because your mother plasters on the guilt like a baker spreads frosting. If you are her only mode of transportation, perhaps it's time to suggest that if she wants a visit with your sister, your sister should pick her up -- or better yet, come to visit Mama.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Madison," became engaged a couple of months ago, and she and her fiance have set their wedding date for April of next year. My stepdaughter, "Brittany," who has been living with her boyfriend for years and has two kids with him, has just decided they will be getting married at the end of March 2007.

I find it very strange that all of a sudden a wedding is in the making. I suspect she has ulterior motives. We are planning an expensive wedding for Madison, which was already decided upon way before Brittany's wedding was even mentioned. Brittany is now expecting us to pay for it. What is our financial obligation? -- ANNOYED IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR ANNOYED: In light of the fact that Brittany has been living with her boyfriend for years and has already started a family, I do not understand her rush to beat your daughter to the finish line. It appears she's trying to upstage Madison -- and is not being subtle about it.

A wedding is a gift, not an obligation, on the part of parents. So please do not allow yourself to be intimidated into doing anything that is beyond your finances.

DEAR ABBY: My high school girlfriend and I were married after dating for 6 1/2 years. The marriage lasted less than a year because she was unfaithful.

About five months after the split, I began dating a fellow law student. It has been fantastic. In fact, we have spent only four nights apart since we made our relationship official.

How long should I wait between my divorce and proposing to my girlfriend? -- EAGER IN INDIANAPOLIS

DEAR EAGER: Once your divorce is final, there's no reason why you can't propose to your girlfriend as soon as you wish. However, I would caution you to hold off on marrying quickly.

Theoretically, this romance could be considered "on the rebound." You have spent very little time in your life unattached. If you're smart enough for law school, you should understand the wisdom of allowing this enjoyable relationship to ripen until you and she are both confident it will last a lifetime. Time is on your side, so please don't rush it.

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