DEAR ABBY: What has become of social skills in this country? I have been planning my daughter's wedding for eight months, and mailed invitations with self-addressed, stamped response cards six weeks ahead of my deadline with the caterers and rental companies.

The wedding will be at a large city zoo with a buffet dinner at the reception. Some people don't respond at all, some plan to bring dates when no guest was invited, and I'm still getting response cards a full week after the deadline. Do people not understand what "Respond by" means?

Can I call them and say, "Sorry, it's too late," or must I just let them come and ruin our special event by causing us to run short of food and chairs? The RSVP situation has been the most stressful aspect of the entire event. We are well past the standard 10 percent extra.

Please let your readers know that their rudeness, disorganization or lack of social skills ruins the enjoyment of planning a special event. Maybe some other mother of the bride can benefit if you explain what the response card is for. -- TIRED IN KENTUCKY

DEAR TIRED: You have voiced a frustration that has appeared in this column before. "Response cards" are included with invitations so that the hosts will know how many people to plan on and the quantity of food and beverages that will be needed. When an invitation is sent, it is meant only for the person (or persons) whose names are on the envelope. This means no extra guests, and that includes children or dates. If you feel you cannot abide by that, then send your regrets.

I'm sad to say that "social graces" have diminished over the last decades. Many hostesses attempt to compensate for the lack of response to their RSVP cards by calling prospective guests and asking if they will attend -- and how many. This also gives them an opportunity to inform the person(s) that they cannot accommodate "extras" or that the occasion is "adults only."

DEAR ABBY: I am a newlywed. This is the second marriage for both of us. "Bart" and I are empty-nesters who both work full time. We did not live together before we were married and are now adjusting to our different ways of doing things.

A major issue we have is that the rule in my household has always been no phone calls after 10 p.m., while Bart has no problem with his parents and children calling late at night -- sometimes as late as 11:30.

I function well with eight to nine hours of sleep and try to be in bed by 10 or 10:15. Bart's alarm goes off at either 5:20 a.m. or 6:20 a.m., depending on his schedule during the week, and I can't always fall back to sleep. (I don't need to be up until 7:15.) Obviously, we can't change what time he has to get up, but he is "happy" to speak with his family whatever time they call, even though it wakes me up.

Neither of us wants to sleep in separate bedrooms. I love Bart and his family, but I have become a walking zombie. Any suggestions? -- SLEEP-DEPRIVED IN CLEVELAND

DEAR SLEEP-DEPRIVED: Just this. When people marry, their lives do not go on just as before. Your husband, his children and his parents are ignoring that fact.

It is extremely important that people get an adequate amount of sleep in order for their minds and bodies to function properly. Therefore, your husband needs to establish some ground rules with his side of the family before their lack of consideration harms your health. Sleep deprivation can adversely affect a person's efficiency at work, one's safety behind the wheel, and compromise the immune system.

If your husband has a cell phone, perhaps he should consider setting it on "vibrate" so that if his family needs to talk to him late at night, they can reach him without waking you.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Over the years, Americans have incorporated fire safety into their daily lives by installing smoke alarms in their homes and developing an escape plan for their family to follow in the event of a fire. These measures have saved lives and prevented injuries. However, few people consider the risks associated with a common activity that most of us participate in daily: cooking.

Did you know that unattended cooking is a leading cause of home fires? Three out of 10 home fires begin in the kitchen, more than any other room in the home. Home cooking fires kill hundreds of Americans and injure roughly 4,000 more each year. Many of these fires are avoidable.

This year, the National Fire Protection Association is focusing its annual public awareness campaign, Fire Prevention Week (Oct. 8 to 14), on cooking safety, urging the public to "Prevent Cooking Fires: Watch What You Heat!"

How can people be safer from cooking fires at home? Just follow a few basic safety guidelines while working in the kitchen: Never leave cooking unattended while frying, grilling, broiling or boiling, and if you must leave for even a short period of time, turn off the stove. If you are simmering or baking something over a longer period, check it regularly. Remain in the home and use a timer to remind you that the stove or oven is on. And avoid wearing loose clothing with dangling sleeves while cooking, as it could catch fire if it comes in contact with a gas flame or electric burner.

I hope that everyone reading this letter will add safety to their list of ingredients as they prepare their next meal. -- JAMES M. SHANNON, PRESIDENT, NATIONAL FIRE PROTECTION ASSOCIATION

DEAR MR. SHANNON: So do I, because cooking is something that so many people do by rote that it's easy to become distracted. I would like to add a few tips to consider when small children are members of the household.

If children are present during cooking, maintain a "kid-free zone" of 3 feet around the stove. And if they are in the kitchen, the stove's back burners should be used and pot handles turned inward to reduce the risk that pots with hot contents will be knocked over. Also, do not hold small children while cooking.

Readers, Fire Prevention Week is the logical time to review other safety measures around the house and to check your smoke alarms to assure they are working properly. To learn more about fire prevention and safety, log on to � HYPERLINK "http://www.firepreventionweek.org" ��www.firepreventionweek.org�.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Linus" for about a year. We say we love each other, but Linus says there's no such thing as "true love." OK, he's not very romantic, but he treats me well.

I was in love before -- the kind I thought was true love -- but I lost him. Now I'm not so sure I believe in true love, but I'm a romantic, and somehow, ending up with someone who doesn't believe in true love doesn't seem right. I'm not sure what to do. Should I keep looking for a true love that may not exist, or settle for someone who loves me, but not in that soul mate sort of way? -- D.L.K. IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR D.L.K.: "True love" is difficult to define because it's different for every individual. If Linus is considering marriage to you, then perhaps what Linus feels is true love -- for him. However, if what you want is someone who will sweep you off your feet and maintain that intensity throughout a marriage, then keep looking, because Linus is not the Prince Charming for you.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Something happened to me in one of the most popular restaurants here in town. I have gone there many times with family and friends. Recently a friend took me there for a birthday dinner. I know the manager, so I stopped to talk to him when we entered. As we were talking, the hostess came to take my friend to be seated, and I asked, "Could we have a booth, please?"

This was not an unusual request. I have asked before because it's a more intimate way to have girl-talk. When I went to look for my friend, she was being seated at a tiny table for two, and I remarked, "Are there no booths available?" The hostess replied, "The tables don't move in the booths." I told her I knew what the booths were like. She then demonstrated how you could pull the chairs up to the little table.

All of a sudden it dawned on me what the hostess was getting at. I said, "Are you insinuating that I won't fit in your booths?" and she pointed to my stomach! I was mortified! I am heavy, but not obese.

I was humiliated and the restaurant was crowded, so we sat down and ordered. It was a quick meal; I was too upset to eat. When I got home and settled down, I called and asked for the manager. As I started to tell him what happened, he said, "Oh yeah, she told me," and added, "We do the best we can." He just sloughed me off! Needless to say, I haven't been back. What do you think of this? -- KATHY IN LA HABRA, CALIF.

DEAR KATHY: The restaurant business is part of the "hospitality" industry. What you encountered was a poorly trained employee who lacked basic intelligence and tact. In the food business this can be a recipe for disaster. In your case, the hostess forgot a basic tenet of the hospitality industry: "The customer is always right." And I don't blame you for not going back. Under the circumstances, I wouldn't either.

DEAR ABBY: I married the man of my dreams. We have a wonderful life together, and we just had a beautiful baby girl. My husband was married before and has two children from his first marriage. They are great to me -- in fact, they are great kids.

The problem is, I don't love them. I feel so guilty about it. I treat them really well and I'd do anything for them. But when it is "our" weekend, I dread going home. I am not like that with our daughter. I love her with all my heart.

Why do I feel this way, and how can I change this? I need some advice desperately. -- ASHAMED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR ASHAMED: We don't love all people the same way, but that doesn't mean we don't have love for them. It is possible that on some level you resent your husband's children because they represent the intimacy he had with his first wife. But let me assure you that unless you are willing to work on those feelings, you will cause conflict and hurt in your household.

My advice is to discuss this with a therapist and work it through. And in the meantime, work extra hard at being a loving and caring friend to those kids. Because when all is said and done, you're not their mother, and that's all you ever can be.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)