DEAR ABBY: "Had It in Arlington, Wash." (8/29) was upset because her teenaged stepchildren didn't give her husband, their father, gifts even though he was generous with them.

She could change that by inviting them to go shopping with her when she picks out a gift for him the next time they visit. If it's not a gift-giving occasion, that's OK. A "just because" gift is the best kind.

If their relationship is close enough, she might feel comfortable suggesting they get something for him, too -- even if she has to pay the first few times. My guess is that, unless the kids are selfish, insensitive brats, they'll get the message and want to use their own money. The gifts need not be extravagant, just thoughtful.

I get some of my most interesting things in flea markets, consignment shops and closeout stores. -- IT WORKED FOR ME, DUNWOODY, GA.

DEAR I.W.F.M.: You're a smart cookie, who I am sure not only endeared yourself to your husband for what you did, but also his children. And you're not the only smart lady who responded to that letter. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You were right on to say that the husband shouldn't punish his children for what amounts to their mother's poor teaching or example.

I was divorced when my son was very small, and I always helped him get his father at least a small gift for Christmas and Father's Day. His father, on the other hand, never once responded in kind. He seemed to think it was the responsibility of some other man in my life to get me gifts -- first my father (since I moved back home for a short time), then my new husband. Have I pointed this out to my son? Heck, no. Has he noticed? You bet he has!

We teach our kids by example. What the stepmom could do is talk to the kids and say, "Your dad's been generous to you. Would you like some help in getting him a present for his birthday, to say thanks?" -- KAREN IN SALEM, ORE.

DEAR ABBY: I could not believe your response to "Had it in Arlington, Wash." You said, "Children behave as they have been taught, usually by their mothers." How incredibly insulting to mothers everywhere. Let me tell you that when I went through a divorce, it was their father who "taught" them such despicable behavior!

My ex-husband was so bitter, he did not want my children to give me anything -- on birthdays, Mother's Day or Christmas. In fact, I was the one who took them to the store and gave them money to buy gifts for their father on each and every occasion, even though it was not reciprocated.

At one point, my son asked me as I drove them to the store to get a gift for their father's birthday, "Why do you care, Mom? He doesn't care about you!" Let me add that the Christmas that I gave them enough money to buy everyone (including me) gifts, their father would let them spend only $10 on a gift certificate for me, regardless of what they knew I wanted and they had wanted to buy for me! Shame on you, Dear Abby, for making such a hurtful comment. -- UPSET IN BRIGHTON, COLO.

DEAR UPSET: I offer my apology if what I said you took personally. It was simply an observation and not intended to be hurtful to anyone.

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DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Cindy," and some of her friends have been playing the "choking game" where you deprive yourself of oxygen by tying something around your neck in order to get high. They say it's safe because they do it with someone else there to make sure they're OK. However, last week there was an article in the paper about a boy who died doing it.

Cindy asks me to monitor her when she does it in our room. I don't want to help her, but she says she's "hooked" on the high she gets. I'm afraid if I refuse, she'll do it anyway. I love my sister very much and would never forgive myself if something happened to her.

Cindy and I have an understanding. We don't tell our parents on each other, and she hasn't told on me when she's known things that would get me in trouble. However, I think I should make an exception when her life may be in danger. Do you agree? -- WORRIED SISTER, RANCHO CORDOVA, CALIF.

DEAR WORRIED SISTER: The fact that Cindy says she's hooked on the high should tell you that if she gets a strong enough craving and you're not around, she's likely to play the game alone. What she's doing could be considered a form of Russian roulette. Because we don't allow people we love to take foolish chances with their lives, you should inform your parents immediately.

DEAR ABBY: I am 19 years old. I have seen you help many people through your column, and I'm hoping you can help me.

I have been with my fiance, "Jeremy," for three years, and I used to be crazy about him. Now that our wedding day is approaching, I'm beginning to have second thoughts about our entire relationship. He constantly has to know where I am and what I'm doing. He also has a temper. If I don't make him first priority all the time, he gets mad and we end up in a huge fight.

I am about ready to call it quits, but I'm afraid because of the emotional state he is in. The last time I tried to end the relationship, Jeremy tried to kill himself. I need to know if I should say "I do" even though he and I aren't exactly getting along right now. -- TRAPPED IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR TRAPPED: To marry someone because you are "afraid to call it quits" is the wrong reason to marry anyone. You have described a young man who is immature and self-destructive. It's time to call it quits, but before you do, contact Jeremy's family -– preferably his parents -– and warn them that their son may need psychiatric help once you tell him the wedding is off. (It's the truth.) Then tell him in the presence of your family and, because he is unstable, put some distance between the two of you after you deliver the bad news.

DEAR ABBY: I am in my late 20s and have a close bond with a younger female cousin of mine. We are good friends and enjoy being together.

Sometimes when we go to a restaurant or a movie together, people give me funny looks. I guess they assume I am an adult who is taking advantage of a young girl. What can I do to get people to realize she's just a younger cousin? -- OLDER COUSIN IN THE WEST

DEAR OLDER COUSIN: Ignore them. Evil is in the eye of the beholder. Don't make something your problem when it's really theirs.

DEAR ABBY: As a policeman, I was very disappointed to read (8/29) about the fellow officer who leaves his duty weapon out on the kitchen table. Even if there were no children in the house, it's an extremely dangerous thing to do.

We are supposed to take gun safety seriously. I find it disturbing when fellow officers do not. We are taught from day one to never, ever lose control of our sidearm. And "retention" holsters, designed to make it difficult to remove the sidearm, can and do fail.

I would strongly suggest that "Upset in Washington" talk one more time to her husband. He could lose his job over this. Or she could buy a small gun safe, and next time she finds the gun on the table, lock it up for him. Notice, I didn't say anything about giving him the combination.

I am very pro-gun and pro-self-defense. But that comes with the great responsibility of keeping weapons out of the hands of those who would misuse them, either by accident or on purpose. -- DISMAYED IN COLORADO

DEAR DISMAYED: Although I heard from more than a few readers who thought my advice to report the officer to his police chief was harsh, I think you are being too soft. Read on for a sample of the horror stories that letter generated:

DEAR ABBY: I am a law enforcement officer in Texas. A fellow officer lost his teenage daughter to suicide. Even though his gun had been hidden in a high cupboard, away from view, she found it and, unfortunately, succeeded in terminating her young life.

"Upset in Washington" should check to see if the police department in her city has regulations about this. Maybe she should call and speak to his supervisor and ask about the availability of gun locks for the weapon issued to her husband. This needs to be done ASAP. -- OFFICER IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: Your advice was right on. That wife should definitely report her husband to his chief. In our city a year ago, a police officer's son got ahold of his loaded gun and shot and killed his 5-year-old sister. Officers in our area are now required to lock up their guns at all times when off duty. Kids just don't realize the danger, so parents have to. -- SHARON IN VANCOUVER, WASH.

DEAR ABBY: Years ago, I worked for a federal law enforcement agency in New York. One of the agents came home from a late-night investigation and, not wanting to wake his wife and 3-year-old son, decided to sleep on the couch. Before retiring, he removed his weapon and placed it under the couch.

Apparently his son woke up early and found the gun. He couldn't pull the trigger with one finger, so he pointed the gun toward himself and, with both thumbs on the trigger, he fired. The result was, of course, fatal.

The agent and his wife had tried for years to have a child and were thrilled to tears when she became pregnant. How sad their happiness was so short-lived. Please have "Upset" show this letter to her irresponsible husband. Maybe he'll get the message. -- UPSET WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT IN LEBO, KAN.

DEAR ABBY: I lost my son three years ago under these very circumstances. My sister, a police officer, failed to secure her weapon. "Upset" should personally hand-deliver her husband's gun to the police chief the next time it is lying around. God forbid, one of their children, or their children's friends, gets ahold of it and causes yet another senseless tragedy. -- MISSING OUR SON IN MILWAUKEE

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