DEAR ABBY: My older sister, "Alia," is being married in November at a fancy resort. Her fiance manages the place, so they are getting a reception for next to nothing. Because it is a nighttime, black-tie affair, Alia prefers to have no children at the reception. Children will be welcome at the church, and baby sitters will be provided during the reception afterward. Furthermore, the children will be treated to a pizza party, games and movies.

Alia has never related well to children, but she doesn't want to offend anyone. However, my "Aunt Julia" (who has three small children) has gotten wind of this, called Alia and chewed her out, and said her children go "everywhere" with her and that excluding them is an "insult." (These are the same kids who ran wild at our cousin's wedding last month, and one of them spilled red wine on Alia's bridesmaid dress.)

Is my sister being rude by excluding children from the reception? Our little sister, "Emily," is 9, and she will be in the children's room and not at the main reception. (And frankly, she's more excited about that than anything.) Please advise, because Alia is sensitive and doesn't want to offend people. -- CARING SISTER, KENTWOOD, MICH.

DEAR CARING SISTER: If your sister wants an adults-only wedding reception, then she's entitled to have one. Aunt Julia was out of line to criticize. The bride is being more than gracious, and providing generously for the children's supervision and entertainment after the ceremony. And if Aunt Julia feels she cannot be separated from her little angels for even a few hours, then she should attend the children's reception with them.

DEAR ABBY: I have heard advice given to childhood abuse survivors that it is all right to avoid their abusers, even when the abuser is a parent.

My situation is unique. I was emotionally abused by both of my parents for years. A couple of times when I was young, my mother attempted suicide (to get attention) and blamed her attempts on me. I will never forget the time she told me, "I tried to kill myself because you are such a horrible daughter."

I am still in my mother's life. (I am 47.) I do not wish to see her very much, but I feel responsible for her. I would prefer never to see her again because of all the years of abuse, guilt and inappropriateness she heaped on me. Is this possible?

I have had therapy and have come to terms with my past. I guess I am looking for "permission" not to see her. Thank you in advance. -- CHRIS IN NAPA, CALIF.

DEAR CHRIS: You're welcome. You not only have my permission, you have my blessing.

DEAR ABBY: My only daughter was murdered by her husband a month ago. Her brothers want him to be put to death. I think that life in prison would be worse. He is moody and has a superiority complex, so I feel his fellow inmates would help to punish him over the years.

My question: When he turns 65 -- or whatever the age limit is for Social Security -- can he claim benefits or draw a monthly check? He paid into the system for quite a number of years. Does the government give monthly checks to crooks, rapists, murderers and the like? -- HURTING IN GEORGIA

DEAR HURTING: According to the Social Security Administration office in Washington, D.C., people who are in prison cannot apply for benefits, nor will they receive any while they are incarcerated.

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DEAR ABBY: My sister had a childhood friend, "Denise," with whom she was very close in elementary school. They were friends only intermittently as they grew older, and Denise started getting into all kinds of trouble. When they were in college, my sister house-sat for my parents while they were on vacation, and Denise stayed with her. While she was there, she stole some expensive jewelry from my mother.

Although the family never confronted Denise about it, it was obvious that she took the jewelry, and my sister did not remain in contact with her after that.

My sister is now 40 and expecting her first child. I have offered to throw a shower for her.

A couple of years ago, Denise got in touch with my sister and they became friends again. I don't know much about her last 20 years, other than that she spent time in jail and is now a single mother to a teenage son and works for a non-profit agency.

Given her history with the family, I definitely do not want to invite Denise into my home for the shower, and my mother is adamant that she will not attend the shower if Denise is there. My sister wants to invite Denise because they are friends again, and she doesn't know how to tell her that she isn't invited. What do we do? -- "LORETTA" IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR "LORETTA": If your sister is not already aware of your feelings and your mother's, she should be enlightened. If she still wishes to invite Denise to her baby shower, then it will have to be held somewhere other than your home -- and your mother will not be there.

However, considering the circumstances, I think it's time your sister grew a backbone and explained to Denise that the theft left lasting hard feelings with the family -- which are understandable -- so she should not expect to be included at any family functions that include your mother.

DEAR ABBY: One of my closest friends, "Louise," has informed me that her husband just moved out and is requesting a divorce. She is hoping to repair the marriage. She has not given me a reason why, nor have I asked. I am trying to be a good friend and be supportive.

My problem is, on a recent trip to visit my grandmother in a nearby city, I saw Louise's husband being very cozy and affectionate with a very pregnant woman. Louise was never able to have children, so this will come as a big blow to her. She has also started drinking a great deal, and is having all sorts of people at home for parties. This is not typical behavior for her, but I understand why she's doing it.

Louise lives a financially secure life because of her husband's income. He is already asking about how to liquefy the assets, and she is in denial. I don't know if I should tell her about the pregnant woman or express my concerns about her drinking. I feel she needs to wake up and smell the coffee and start securing her assets. What should I do? -- WORRIED ABOUT MY FRIEND

DEAR WORRIED: Your friend may already know about the woman and the baby, but on the chance that she doesn't, she should be told what you saw. And because you are concerned about her drinking, you should express that, too.

There are difficult times ahead for your friend. She's going to need her wits about her -- not be addled or living in a fantasy world. She's going to need legal advice and, of course, all of the emotional support her friends can give her.

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DEAR ABBY: A few months ago, my husband and I had to go back to our home state for a family funeral. We have been married more than 25 years. While we were there, his ex-wife came to his father's home (we were staying there), and later to the visitation and funeral. She and I seemed to hit it off well.

On the way home, my hubby told me she waited until I left the room, then kissed him on the cheek in front of the whole family and told him she still loves him. That's not all. I asked him if, for one minute, he was sorry he had married me. He said, and I quote, "No, but if I had known she still loved me, I would have never remarried." I was crushed.

After we got home he told me he would not leave me for her, but if I should die before him, he would be knocking on her door. That also hurt.

Abby, she hadn't seen him or anyone else in the family for 25 years! Why would she even show up at the funeral if not for wanting to see if she could get back with him? I can't seem to get over the feeling that my husband never was really in love with me -- that maybe he just married me so he would not be alone. What should I do? Should I even bring this subject up to him again? It has been five months and I am ... BROKENHEARTED IN FLORIDA

DEAR BROKENHEARTED: Your husband appears to lack sensitivity, good judgment and empathy for the feelings of others. He also appears to lack common sense, if he expected you would not take his comments personally.

I don't think raising the subject would get you the result you are looking for. But my advice is not to obsess about this. It's water under the bridge, and possession is nine points of the law. Besides, women have a longer life expectancy than men, so the odds are in your favor.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing about the letter you printed from "Wondering," whose parents don't want her to attend the same college as her brother. I think her parents should allow her to go to the same college. She will have completely different experiences than her brother -- joining different clubs, playing different sports. If her major is different, she won't even have the same classes that he does. Her college life will be entirely different because each person gets out of the experience what he or she puts into it.

Also, I do not understand her parents' statement that she look elsewhere because she has "followed her brother" through school. If they lived in the same house, then they would've attended the same schools in their district. -- PAULA IN WENONAH, N.J.

DEAR PAULA: I told "Wondering" that her parents appeared to be intelligent people, sensitive to the needs of both of their offspring, and that having a college experience entirely on her own could be a growth opportunity for her.

My reasoning was as follows: The parents know her and her brother well, their personalities, their strengths and their weaknesses. It is possible that the son has always been a "big man on campus," and "Wondering" has coasted along in his reflected glory. Or, if the reverse is true -- and the girl has always outshone her brother -- then the young man should not have to be overshadowed once again by his sibling at the same college.

That said, not one reader I heard from -- and I heard from quite a few -- agreed with my answer. Ouch!

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