DEAR ABBY: I am 34. My last living grandparent is my grandmother, "Gladys," who is 87. Ever since my grandfather died eight years ago, she has been depressed without showing signs of getting any better. The only thing that gives Granny Gladys any pleasure is seeing her family -- but it's never enough for her. No matter how often she sees anyone in the family, she tries to make us feel guilty for not spending more time with her.

I moved to another state last year, and whenever Granny Gladys calls she tries to make me feel guilty for moving. She has no interest in making friends, and if I suggest she join a senior citizens group, she complains that "all old people do is gripe about their aches and pains," and she doesn't want to listen to people complain all day. But Abby, all my grandmother does is complain about how lonely she is!

How can I ease my guilt about moving to another state? And how can I help her to be less depressed and stop laying guilt trips on our family? -- WORRIED ABOUT GRANNY, MORRISVILLE, N.C.

DEAR WORRIED ABOUT GRANNY: You appear to be a sweet, caring person, but it should not be your responsibility to lift Granny Gladys out of her eight-year "depression." Your grandmother appears to be prejudiced against people of her own generation. Many women are widowed after long marriages and go on to live satisfying lives.

You know as well as I do that older people do a lot more than "gripe about their aches and pains." As their health permits, they donate time to the community, socialize and keep themselves active and involved.

Your grandmother appears to have chosen to do none of those things. In fact, she seems to be happy in her misery. So please don't try to change her -- because if you succeed, you'll take away what appears to be her favorite topic of conversation.

DEAR ABBY: I am a daughter of two parents who, until recently, have been the best parents a girl could hope for. I graduated from high school and was accepted into a prestigious college in New York. I attended the school for a year, and my grades -- like those of many freshmen -- were not exciting.

During the second semester, my father lost his job, and so I finished the semester and dropped out of school. I no longer attend college. I am working part-time now, using the other time to look for a second job.

At family gatherings, my parents continue to say I attend this prestigious school, that I am "doing great" and that I'm almost done with college. I am not hurt as much as I am ashamed. Are my parents ashamed of me and my current "non-student" status? What should I do? -- DENIED IN N.Y.

DEAR DENIED: Your parents may feel ashamed that they haven't been able to pay for your education as they had planned, but I don't think they are in any way ashamed of you.

With one year of college under your belt, it is important that you complete your education. Because you can no longer depend upon your parents to pay for it, my advice is to pay a visit to the financial aid office of the school you were attending and see what you can work out. Your local library is also a terrific source of information when researching scholarships for which you might qualify. Please don't wait any longer to do this.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I need your advice on how to break an engagement with my fiance, whose tour of duty in Iraq has been extended four more months. He has been there eight months, and during his absence, I met someone else I would like to start dating.

I didn't want to stress out my fiance, and I wanted to wait until he returned to talk to him, but now I feel too guilty, so I need to address it soon. Please help me. -- FEELING GUILTY, MEMPHIS, TENN.

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: It's time to grow up and think about someone other than yourself. There is something more important right now than assuaging your guilt. It's making sure that nothing distracts your fiance from the job he is doing -- and will be doing until he is safely back home.

Under no circumstances should you write him a "Dear John" letter or tell him anything that could unnerve or depress him. If you feel guilty now, how do you think you would feel if he was injured or killed after you dumped that kind of news on him? I can't stress strongly enough how important it is that you put his feelings first right now. What you have in mind can wait until his tour of duty is behind him.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend, "Libby," who has a lot of personal problems. She recently confided that I am the only person who keeps her going day to day. She has attached herself to me because of my "step-on-me" personality, and I have allowed it.

I don't mind her telling me her problems, but she's putting too much pressure on me by making me her crutch. (Without me, she would fall permanently.) Please don't think I am selfish, but I have a lot to deal with personally in my own life.

How can I lessen my load without cracking her fragile personality? -- STRETCHED TO THE LIMIT IN WYOMING

DEAR STRETCHED: Lighten your load by no longer allowing your friend to put off resolving her problems by confiding them in someone who isn't equipped to help her. Libby needs a licensed psychotherapist. If she can't afford one, please tell her (kindly) that help is available on a sliding-fee scale through your county department of mental health services or social services. Take her to her first appointment if necessary, and then start backpedaling from there.

DEAR ABBY: I have been widowed for more than two years, and a nice man has asked me out. We hit it off great, but I have one problem.

A friend of mine dated him years ago, and it didn't work out. She is now happily seeing a man she has been involved with for almost two years. She says you don't date a friend's past date. I think she's being childish.

I believe this man and I will have a good relationship, and I don't want to lose him because of this. She will find out eventually, and I can't decide if I should take the chance of her not knowing for a while and see how it goes. In any case, I may lose her.

Am I wrong? I have been out of the dating loop for 21 years and this is all new to me. I'd appreciate your opinion. -- UNDECIDED IN BROCKTON, MASS.

DEAR UNDECIDED: I see no reason to make any announcements to anyone right now. Keep dating the man and see where it leads.

Because your "friend" has been in a satisfying relationship for nearly two years, she should be happy that you have met someone and "clicked." If she isn't, then she is not your friend, and your question is moot.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I recently learned a lesson about not judging a book by its cover. A young man and his divorced mother moved into our quiet neighborhood of mostly retirees and young couples who have not yet started families. When we first laid eyes on the young man, we saw a guy with shoulder-length hair dressed all in black -- complete with black fingernail polish and black eyeliner. Everyone thought the worst: "Oh, no! A heathen devil-worshipper!" A few months later, he presented himself in ragged jeans, a flannel shirt, his head completely shaved. Again we thought the worst: "He's turned into one of those neo-Nazi skinheads!"

I later learned from his mother that her son is a sociology major at a university about 200 miles from here. (He had to evacuate during Hurricane Katrina as a large portion of the campus was destroyed.) The black attire we first saw was for a costume party he was attending that evening. He grows his hair long to donate to Locks of Love, which uses it to make wigs for cancer patients who have lost their hair during chemo, hence the shaved head.

He spends his summers working with groups going to underprivileged countries to teach the children to read and write. He also goes with Doctors Without Borders to help inoculate people who have never had the basic childhood vaccinations against rubella, tetanus, etc.

I feel completely ashamed of myself for forming such an opinion about this wonderful young person simply from his appearance at a distance. I have since gotten to know him during his weekend visits home to see his mother and have discovered what an intelligent, compassionate, giving individual he is, and I am honored to have him as a neighbor.

Please warn your readers not to make the same mistake I and the rest of my neighbors made in judging a worthwhile young man by his appearance at first glance. -- ASHAMED IN BRANSON, MO.

DEAR ASHAMED: With pleasure. Your letter is a timely one because it applies not only to individuals who dress differently, but also to people of different races and religions. It illustrates that hand in hand with ignorance walks prejudice.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 14-year-old girl with a problem. I am starting high school as a freshman. Last year I got into more trouble at school than I ever have been in my entire life. I even got kicked out of a program that's supposed to help students get into a good college. My grades went down, and I have been talking back not only to my teachers but also to my mother. Mom thinks it's because my father is dead.

Can you tell me something that will help me stop talking back? -- TALKING BACK IN VIRGINIA

DEAR TALKING BACK: I have a couple of suggestions that might help. The first is, because your father passed away within the last couple of years, your mother may be right. If it's true that your problem is repressed anger over your father's death, then counseling, or a grief support group, might help you to express feelings in an acceptable way.

Another effective way to express your emotions would be to start a journal and write in it every night. A journal is a healthy place to dump anger and frustration, as well as confide your hopes, dreams and victories. The more of your feelings you get "out," the fewer your outbursts will be -- and that's a promise.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)