DEAR ABBY: I recently learned a lesson about not judging a book by its cover. A young man and his divorced mother moved into our quiet neighborhood of mostly retirees and young couples who have not yet started families. When we first laid eyes on the young man, we saw a guy with shoulder-length hair dressed all in black -- complete with black fingernail polish and black eyeliner. Everyone thought the worst: "Oh, no! A heathen devil-worshipper!" A few months later, he presented himself in ragged jeans, a flannel shirt, his head completely shaved. Again we thought the worst: "He's turned into one of those neo-Nazi skinheads!"

I later learned from his mother that her son is a sociology major at a university about 200 miles from here. (He had to evacuate during Hurricane Katrina as a large portion of the campus was destroyed.) The black attire we first saw was for a costume party he was attending that evening. He grows his hair long to donate to Locks of Love, which uses it to make wigs for cancer patients who have lost their hair during chemo, hence the shaved head.

He spends his summers working with groups going to underprivileged countries to teach the children to read and write. He also goes with Doctors Without Borders to help inoculate people who have never had the basic childhood vaccinations against rubella, tetanus, etc.

I feel completely ashamed of myself for forming such an opinion about this wonderful young person simply from his appearance at a distance. I have since gotten to know him during his weekend visits home to see his mother and have discovered what an intelligent, compassionate, giving individual he is, and I am honored to have him as a neighbor.

Please warn your readers not to make the same mistake I and the rest of my neighbors made in judging a worthwhile young man by his appearance at first glance. -- ASHAMED IN BRANSON, MO.

DEAR ASHAMED: With pleasure. Your letter is a timely one because it applies not only to individuals who dress differently, but also to people of different races and religions. It illustrates that hand in hand with ignorance walks prejudice.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 14-year-old girl with a problem. I am starting high school as a freshman. Last year I got into more trouble at school than I ever have been in my entire life. I even got kicked out of a program that's supposed to help students get into a good college. My grades went down, and I have been talking back not only to my teachers but also to my mother. Mom thinks it's because my father is dead.

Can you tell me something that will help me stop talking back? -- TALKING BACK IN VIRGINIA

DEAR TALKING BACK: I have a couple of suggestions that might help. The first is, because your father passed away within the last couple of years, your mother may be right. If it's true that your problem is repressed anger over your father's death, then counseling, or a grief support group, might help you to express feelings in an acceptable way.

Another effective way to express your emotions would be to start a journal and write in it every night. A journal is a healthy place to dump anger and frustration, as well as confide your hopes, dreams and victories. The more of your feelings you get "out," the fewer your outbursts will be -- and that's a promise.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 25-year-old woman who still bears a grudge toward my mother. We never had a good relationship, but it really went downhill after my father died. (I was 13 when it happened.) My father always stuck up for me, and he committed suicide in our basement.

I did something when I was 13 that I deeply regret. I told my mother to check down there when we heard noises, but she didn't listen to me. Our relationship has never been the same. I have blamed my mother every day ever since for not saving him. I rarely talk to her now.

The thing that makes me so mad is that my father's death was her fault. Dad and I were very close and I miss him every day.

How can I get past my mother killing my dad? After his death, my mother put me in the care of the Department of Children and Family Services. I am glad I was put there, but I am mad that she killed my dad and gave up on me.

So how do I get past all this anger toward her that I have kept inside for so many years? -- MISSING MY DAD IN ILLINOIS

DEAR MISSING DAD: I don't blame you for being angry about your father's death, but because you were only 13, you aimed your anger at the wrong parent. Your mother didn't kill your father. Your father killed himself, probably because he had been struggling for a long time with the mental illness of chronic depression. Your mother did not go to check on the noises in the basement for the same reason that you didn't -- she didn't realize what they meant. As to why you were sent to "family services," it is very possible that your mother was as devastated by the loss of your father as you were.

You need more answers than any uninvolved third party can give you, and the person to provide them is your mother. Therefore, I urge that you call her and arrange to have a frank conversation with her -- preferably in the presence of a mediator such as a clergyperson. This is something that's long overdue.

DEAR ABBY: I married a wonderful man seven years ago, and we had a happy marriage. One morning last January, he told me he no longer loved me and was moving out to live a life on his own. I have been devastated over this. At his request I quit work to stay home and be a housewife, and I have not worked in six years. I am 50 and am having a hard time dealing with this.

I know I need to find a job so he won't have to continue paying all my bills and his own, but I have been very depressed and I think it shows through when I go on interviews. He wants me to take a couple of college courses to brush up on what I used to do in the work force.

The only thing I want is to have my husband come home to me. We still see each other every other week and communicate daily through e-mails and phone calls. I still feel that he loves me, and that is what makes this so hard. He comes to have dinner with me on Saturday nights, and when he leaves he hugs me tight -- but still leaves. I don't know what to ask him about what his final plans are. He hasn't asked for a divorce, and he knows I don't want one. What should I do? -- HEARTBROKEN IN EVERETT, WASH.

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Ask your husband for a full and complete answer about why he left you. Clearly, there are still strong ties between you.

Counseling will help you both communicate more clearly about what happened to your marriage. Once you have some straight answers, you will have a better idea of what you need to do next. In the meantime, my advice to you is to contact a licensed marriage and family therapist, but do nothing further.

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DEAR ABBY: Wow. This is a first for me, but I do need advice. I have been married 36 years to a wonderful man, and we have a great family. What is bothering me is we had to move out of state 20 years ago, leaving all our friends and some family behind. We have made several trips back to visit, and I saw my very best friend, "Sally," whom I missed badly. But Sally has never once come to visit me. Not once.

She tells me about her vacations here and there. Sometimes she has gone right past our city, but never stopped. I hear from her off and on, and it can be a year before she makes contact. Then it is like she misses me so much and wishes we could get together. She has even asked us to stop by on our next trip up there.

It hurts me that Sally has never made an effort. Through the years I have asked her numerous times why she has never visited us, and she avoids answering the questions.

Should I stay in contact with her even though it hurts, or conclude that we have grown apart and say goodbye? This is really important to me, Abby, so please respond. -- KAREN IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR KAREN: When you and "Sally" were separated geographically, life went on for your friend in a way that it didn't for you. She made other friends and developed other interests, while you clung to her. This does not make Sally a bad person -- and it's not an "all or nothing" situation.

I see no reason to end a longtime relationship because Sally hasn't worked as hard at keeping it going as you have. If you enjoy her when you do have contact, that would be cutting your nose off to spite your face. But for your own sake, it is important that you put this into perspective. When people are separated, sometimes they grow apart. And it appears that's what happened with you and Sally.

DEAR ABBY: Why is it important to go to school? My mom always tries to get me to go, but I don't want to. She has been having me go to some therapist at Youth and Family Service. I don't like it taking up my whole summer.

Also, I have to repeat sixth grade because of my missing school. I mean, I'm not going to need any of the stuff they teach. -- CONFUSED IN WESTBROOK, CONN.

DEAR CONFUSED: Attending school is important because basic skills are being taught that you will need when you are a little older, just to get by. A knowledge of math, English, social studies, history and civics are necessary in order to become a fully functional citizen and fit into society.

The question you should be asking isn't, "Why is it important to go to school?" but rather, "Why was I so unwilling to go that I now must repeat a grade?" If you are having trouble with the other children, help is available through counseling. If you need extra help with the work, there are special teachers who can help you. But first you have to be honest about what is the real problem.

DEAR ABBY: Recently, when I have gone shopping, I have noticed stores are selling games that encourage binge drinking among college kids and others.

Why have shot glasses as pieces of games like checkers, tic-tac-toe, Chutes and Ladders, etc. to encourage drinking? -- MARCIA IN L.A.

DEAR MARCIA: Because they sell. And they sell because some people naively think that drinking to excess is "fun" or makes them appear more sophisticated than they really are.

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