DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old daughter, "Jessica," is mature for her age and a straight-A student. She is entering her freshman year of high school. She is an avid reader, and I have recently found cause to be concerned about what she's reading.

Abby, Jessica is reading adult romance novels that feature what I consider to be content that is too mature and erotic for a child her age to read. I have told her to stop buying them, but I know she's still sneaking them into the house because I found some when I went into her room to clean.

What should I do? I'm uncomfortable about her reading this type of material. What will it do to her future relationships and her judgment of what's acceptable and not acceptable in those relationships?

We have argued over this. Jessica says there is nothing in the books that she didn't already know about, and having learned about sex and relationships in school, there is no reason why she shouldn't be allowed to read what she wants.

Is she right? Am I being overprotective? Or will her current reading choices cause future problems? -- NERVOUS IN BERNARDSVILLE, N.J.

DEAR NERVOUS: Your letter reminded me of the days of my youth when our housekeeper used to loan me the True Romance magazines she kept stashed underneath her bed. My mother might not have approved, but most people seem to think I turned out all right.

Literature may have become more risque than years ago, but these days the chances of sheltering your "mature, straight-A student" are slim. Rather than censor her reading, stress to her that if she has any questions about anything she can come to you for straight answers. (You could also keep the channels of communication open by asking her to lend you the books when she's finished reading them.)

Some might argue that the idealized depiction of romance, and women being "rescued" by powerful, wealthy men, is more worrisome than the sex and eroticism. However, if you are raising your daughter to respect feminist principles, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

DEAR ABBY: I am 22 and in college. I have been dating "Andy" for two years. He is also a college student and somewhat of an introvert.

Two years ago, Andy's parents gave him a video game for Christmas. There is a monthly payment to play it. Well, Andy got hooked. He has spent thousands of hours on this game. When he crawls out of bed in the morning, the first thing he does is go to his computer to "check things." He plays many hours a day.

It was OK in the beginning. I thought that I'd rather see him at home playing games than out getting into trouble with some other girl, but it has gone too far. Andy is 21 and he needs to get a job. His parents have told him so, over and over. But all his energy gets devoted to the game, and very little into looking for employment or even being social.

Many people have expressed their frustration with his gaming so much, but to no avail. Should I talk to Andy's parents about how bad it has become and suggest that maybe they stop paying for it? By continuing to do so they are only enabling him. Or should I let them figure it out on their own? -- WORRIED SICK IN SANTA BARBARA

DEAR WORRIED SICK: By all means you should bring this to the attention of Andy's parents. It appears their son has become addicted to the "rush" he gets from playing the video game, and he may need professional intervention to overcome it.

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DEAR ABBY: About a month ago, I was shocked out of my shoes. My longtime friend, "Orville," told me he had bought $280 worth of women's clothes. He went on to describe how "great" it feels to wear them. He says he has been a cross-dresser since boyhood when he started wearing his sister's clothes. When she found out, she continued dressing him up and he loved it.

Orville says he's a woman trapped in a man's body -- something about brain lobes. I saw it once in the newspaper, but didn't read it because I wasn't interested.

Orville has told a lot of his friends and now he is isolated. I don't go over there either, because I don't want to hear it. (He even said I should try it.) We are in our 60s, and I think Orville is headed for trouble. I just can't believe he is gay. I am heterosexual (when I get the chance). Does he need a shrink? Please advise. -- SHOCKED IN OKEECHOBEE, FLA.

DEAR SHOCKED: Feeling that one is trapped in the body of someone of the opposite sex does not make the person "gay." It means he or she is a transsexual. Your friend needs understanding, not isolation.

By all means he should see a psychiatrist -- one who specializes in gender disorders. He should have counseling if he wants to take this where it is heading, and also to cope with the loss of his friends. It would be a kindness to tell him that.

DEAR ABBY: We always have a large birthday party for my 8-year-old daughter every year. We hold the party later in the evening when we know people can come if it falls on a weekday because of work.

My sister returned to college this year, and I knew she could not come because she had a class that evening. So I asked my husband if we should have the party on another day or on the weekend. He said, "No, we're having it on her birthday in the evening, and if they can't come, they can see her at a later date." He said, what if they can't come on the weekend either? So the party stayed the same.

Football started that night for my other sister and her son, and my husband's sister had to work late. I feel like a heel! I agree that I don't want my daughter's party to be a week or two after her birthday, and I don't want to combine mine with hers, since they are two days apart. What do you think about this? Couldn't they miss one event to come to a party? -- BRENDA IN AUSTIN, TEXAS

DEAR BRENDA: The type of parties you have described are more for adults than for children. It is more important that your little girl be able to enjoy her birthday with some of HER friends than it be a command performance for your sisters. Please consider this next year, because I don't think you are being fair to your daughter.

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem. I have been having this recurring dream that I am getting married to my boyfriend of four years, and every time I have the dream, I end up backing out of the wedding. In other words, I always panic and run away. What does this dream mean? -- DREAMER IN BIRCHLEAF, VA.

DEAR DREAMER: I'm no expert in dreams, but to me, your dream means that on some level you're not fully committed to marrying your boyfriend. Pay attention to it because that's something that you should examine with both eyes open, in the clear light of day.

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DEAR ABBY: I was recently married. I have a daughter, "Courtney," from a previous relationship. Things were great before the wedding. We even included Courtney in the planning. Afterward, however, things turned sour.

Courtney kept causing problems with my husband, and they both looked to me to work it out. I felt like I was being torn in two. No matter what I said to either of them, or if I just left the room to force them to work it out without me, things only got worse.

I left my husband over this. I was stressed out. Everyone was telling me I should not let my daughter dictate what was going on in my life. But I'm not going to force my child to live in a home where she does not feel love and does not want to be. Did I make the right decision? I still love my husband, but I must look out for what is best for my daughter. -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN BLUE SPRINGS, MO.

DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: Of course you have to look out for what is best for your child. Although you may have done the right thing in leaving, however, I think you left too soon.

Courtney had never had to share her mother's love and attention with anyone before. She was fighting for total possession of her parent, which wasn't healthy for either of you. Before leaving your husband, it would have been better to try family counseling to determine if a licensed professional could improve the level of communication, tolerance and understanding between the "combatants."

DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old female who lives in a large family. There are two brothers, two sisters, three cousins, one aunt, two uncles, my parents and both my grandparents living here -- so things are very open.

When I was 5, one of my uncles started molesting me. It lasted for eight years. After I was 6 or 7, the other uncle began raping me almost daily, and it went on for the next eight years.

I told my parents about the molestation, and we went to the police. But because they didn't do anything about the molestation, I didn't tell them about the everyday rape.

It has been three years since it stopped happening, and my uncle has told me he is sorry. I feel I need someone to talk to about this, but I don't want to tell them who did it. I really need some advice. -- HURTING IN HAYWARD, CALIF.

DEAR HURTING: Pick up the phone and call the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN). The toll-free number is (800) 656-4673. Counselors there will guide you to specialized services that can help you.

Their entire focus is on helping the victims of sexual assault. No one will "force" you to reveal anything you don't want to.

However, after counseling, you may decide to tell the authorities what was done to you in order to prevent your uncle from raping and assaulting other vulnerable family members or neighbors. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you will.

DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine is a single father with a 12-year-old daughter. The mother is no longer involved in their lives.

I am concerned because the 12-year-old sleeps in the same bed as her father. Although he claims nothing is going on, I believe -- and have stated -- that it is not a good idea. What do you think? I think it would help him to hear someone else's opinion. -- JANE IN BURLINGAME, CALIF.

DEAR JANE: I agree the girl is too old to be sleeping with her dad. A 12-year-old girl is well on her way to becoming a young woman, and sharing a bed with her father could be too stimulating, for both of them. If he has further doubts about this, he should consult his daughter's pediatrician.

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