life

Caring for Elderly Relative Involves More Than Money

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 22nd, 2006 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter from "Perturbed in N. Carolina" (July 20) describing the living arrangements of her grandmother, who has chosen to live with her daughter. The arrangement she has for $600 to $700 a month, plus a few extra items, sounds like a steal to me.

I have taken care of my grandmother ever since my mother's death 16 years ago. Even though my grandmother lives on her own, my wife and I are her means of transportation, health-care coordination, entertainment and emergency calls. This is not easy.

If "Perturbed's" family is so concerned about Grandma's welfare, then why don't they offer Grandma a vacation at their home for two weeks? I bet the aunt would love to have some time alone with her husband and daughter, and it might give "Perturbed's" parents new insight. -- BEEN THERE AND DOING IT

DEAR BEEN THERE: It might, indeed. I must say that the response I received after printing that letter has been all over the map -– and I plan to print two days' worth.

I told "Perturbed" that I didn't think this was a family matter she should be involved with, and that if her parents would like Grandma to live with them, then the father should talk to his mother and extend the offer. But the decision should be his mother's to make, and sometimes mothers feel closer to their daughters than to their sons.

Some who responded to that letter felt strongly I should have responded differently, and I'll print those letters tomorrow. Today we'll hear from respondents with living arrangements similar to those mentioned in the letter. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I applaud your advice to the granddaughter to stay out of the "where Grandma should live" conflict. Living far away, she has no idea of what goes on in her aunt's house. For that matter, the parents may not have a complete grasp of the situation, either.

When my husband's mother came to live with us, we felt guilty asking her to contribute, but we had to consider several factors. Several major, expensive projects were done to ensure her comfort. Our monthly expenses increased. So did my laundry and kitchen duties because my mother-in-law is physically incapable of sharing any household chores.

I make and serve all her meals. I also help her take showers, supervise her medical care and drive her to all of her appointments. I also must be present during her checkups to be sure she gets the facts straight, and take care of all her insurance problems. I clean her hearing aids and make sure she has the correct batteries, and handle her prescription refills. This is a full-time job for which there are no benefits, no days off and no vacation time.

My husband and I have lost our privacy and freedom, and must arrange our activities around her needs. She refuses to give us a break, such as an occasional respite weekend at an assisted-living facility. I'd like to take her to a senior center one afternoon or two a week. She refuses to do this, too.

My point is: If financial compensation helps to ease the physical and mental stress –- so be it! -- STRESSED OUT IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR ABBY: We live in a multigenerational household with my 89-year-old grandmother, who also pays rent and is extremely happy to do so. She says it makes her feel more like a contributing member of the household. She doesn't like being dependent on others. We provide all her transportation, prepare her meals, and we all eat together every evening.

This kind of living arrangement is complex, and a lot of people can't handle it. Cohabitation is about much more than money alone. Perhaps that grandma knows that money can't buy happiness, and living in a happy household is worth the money. -- ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY IN OAKLAND, FLA.

life

Dear Abby for August 22, 2006

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 22nd, 2006 | Letter 2 of 2

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

life

Camp Kid in North Woods Has the Summertime Blues

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 21st, 2006 | Letter 1 of 3
life

Dear Abby for August 21, 2006

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 21st, 2006 | Letter 2 of 3
life

Dear Abby for August 21, 2006

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 21st, 2006 | Letter 3 of 3
life

Well Meaning Mediation Turns One Sister Against the Other

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 20th, 2006 | Letter 1 of 4

DEAR ABBY: This is a bit complicated. I was trying to help my sister, "Bree," last year while she was separated from her husband. (I was like a mediator.) I was her maid of honor when they were married years ago. We were close.

Bree is now accusing me of telling her ex about a man she was seeing while they were separated. I did not! She also claims I tried to sleep with her husband. I didn't do that either, Abby. He's not even my type.

She keeps fabricating lies to hurt me, and I keep rebutting them. I feel our relationship is irreparably damaged. Our parents want us to fix this. I really want to mend the rift, but I won't tolerate any more abuse from her. I have done nothing malicious. I almost hate her.

Bree and I live too far apart for counseling. Her young children will be visiting me in a couple of weeks. I love them very much. Do you think I have a chance of fixing our relationship when the kids come? I don't want to put any stress on them. They've been through enough. -- TWISTED SISTERS IN FLORIDA

DEAR SISTER: It would be interesting to know who filled your sister's head with the false information. If it was her ex-husband, it can be chalked up to his trying to cause as much damage as he could as a form of retaliation against you for "meddling" in his family problems.

Under no circumstances should you involve your sister's children in this mess -- and that includes giving them any "messages" for their mother. You should, however, either try to reason with her via telephone, e-mail, a personal letter -- or even a meeting in person, if she's willing. And that's all you or anyone can do. The rest is up to your sister.

life

Dear Abby for August 20, 2006

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 20th, 2006 | Letter 2 of 4

DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, my only child, "Gwendolyn," who is now 32, had her first baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born during the exact week that my husband -- her stepfather -- and I attend his family reunion. (It is something we have done for the last 15 years.)

Gwendolyn is now incensed because we plan to attend the reunion instead of her baby's birthday party. (We were with her for the baby's birth and his first birthday party.)

I offered to compromise by having a separate celebration either before or after the reunion week, but she refused. She accuses me of putting my husband's family ahead of her and does not understand why we can't postpone or change our plans. Abby, my husband's family is scattered across the country and this is the only time we see them. Can you offer me any advice? -- PULLED IN TWO IN S. CAROLINA

DEAR PULLED IN TWO: Only this: Alternate. Next year attend the birthday party, the following year go to the reunion., etc. Attendance at either one is not, and should not be, a command performance.

life

Dear Abby for August 20, 2006

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 20th, 2006 | Letter 3 of 4

DEAR ABBY: When you have a houseguest visiting in your home and you are invited to another person's home for a party, what's the polite way to deal with the visiting guest? What would you do? -- CURIOUS IN CINCINNATI

DEAR CURIOUS: If it were me and the invitation came during the visit, I would explain to my prospective hostess that I had a houseguest staying with me. That would be the party planner's cue to say, "Why don't you bring your friend? I'm sure we'd love to meet him/her." And if that didn't happen, I'd politely refuse the invitation because I already had a previous social obligation to my houseguest.

life

Dear Abby for August 20, 2006

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 20th, 2006 | Letter 4 of 4

DEAR ABBY: When you have a houseguest visiting in your home and you are invited to another person's home for a party, what's the polite way to deal with the visiting guest? What would you do? -- CURIOUS IN CINCINNATI

DEAR CURIOUS: If it were me and the invitation came during the visit, I would explain to my prospective hostess that I had a houseguest staying with me. That would be the party planner's cue to say, "Why don't you bring your friend? I'm sure we'd love to meet him/her." And if that didn't happen, I'd politely refuse the invitation because I already had a previous social obligation to my houseguest.

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