DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter from "Perturbed in N. Carolina" (July 20) describing the living arrangements of her grandmother, who has chosen to live with her daughter. The arrangement she has for $600 to $700 a month, plus a few extra items, sounds like a steal to me.

I have taken care of my grandmother ever since my mother's death 16 years ago. Even though my grandmother lives on her own, my wife and I are her means of transportation, health-care coordination, entertainment and emergency calls. This is not easy.

If "Perturbed's" family is so concerned about Grandma's welfare, then why don't they offer Grandma a vacation at their home for two weeks? I bet the aunt would love to have some time alone with her husband and daughter, and it might give "Perturbed's" parents new insight. -- BEEN THERE AND DOING IT

DEAR BEEN THERE: It might, indeed. I must say that the response I received after printing that letter has been all over the map -– and I plan to print two days' worth.

I told "Perturbed" that I didn't think this was a family matter she should be involved with, and that if her parents would like Grandma to live with them, then the father should talk to his mother and extend the offer. But the decision should be his mother's to make, and sometimes mothers feel closer to their daughters than to their sons.

Some who responded to that letter felt strongly I should have responded differently, and I'll print those letters tomorrow. Today we'll hear from respondents with living arrangements similar to those mentioned in the letter. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I applaud your advice to the granddaughter to stay out of the "where Grandma should live" conflict. Living far away, she has no idea of what goes on in her aunt's house. For that matter, the parents may not have a complete grasp of the situation, either.

When my husband's mother came to live with us, we felt guilty asking her to contribute, but we had to consider several factors. Several major, expensive projects were done to ensure her comfort. Our monthly expenses increased. So did my laundry and kitchen duties because my mother-in-law is physically incapable of sharing any household chores.

I make and serve all her meals. I also help her take showers, supervise her medical care and drive her to all of her appointments. I also must be present during her checkups to be sure she gets the facts straight, and take care of all her insurance problems. I clean her hearing aids and make sure she has the correct batteries, and handle her prescription refills. This is a full-time job for which there are no benefits, no days off and no vacation time.

My husband and I have lost our privacy and freedom, and must arrange our activities around her needs. She refuses to give us a break, such as an occasional respite weekend at an assisted-living facility. I'd like to take her to a senior center one afternoon or two a week. She refuses to do this, too.

My point is: If financial compensation helps to ease the physical and mental stress –- so be it! -- STRESSED OUT IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR ABBY: We live in a multigenerational household with my 89-year-old grandmother, who also pays rent and is extremely happy to do so. She says it makes her feel more like a contributing member of the household. She doesn't like being dependent on others. We provide all her transportation, prepare her meals, and we all eat together every evening.

This kind of living arrangement is complex, and a lot of people can't handle it. Cohabitation is about much more than money alone. Perhaps that grandma knows that money can't buy happiness, and living in a happy household is worth the money. -- ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY IN OAKLAND, FLA.

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DEAR ABBY: I live at a camp in the north woods of Wisconsin. A staff member's kids spend the day at our camp. The kids are annoying, nasty and whiny.

One 8-year-old girl has attached herself to my 7-year-old sister and is pulling her away from our family. She comes up to our house whether or not my sister invites her, and usually makes a mess. She also invites my sister to stay down at the lodge late at night, which makes my sister tired and crabby.

Her 11-year-old brother attaches himself to my 5-year-old brother, and then pushes him around.

I miss spending time with my sister, and I don't like her change in behavior. I have tried to do something about it, but to no avail. If I go out and tell them, they might hate me. What should I do? -- TICKED OFF IN WISCONSIN

DEAR TICKED OFF: Talk to your parents. How do they feel about this? Eleven-year-old boys are too old to play with 5-year-olds. And when the older child pushes the younger one around, it is considered bullying, which should not be tolerated. It's up to your parents to put a stop to it. As to your sister's friendship with the girl, if the time they spend together and the "messes" she creates don't seem to bother your parents, then I guess it's permissible.

Because you miss spending time with your sister, you need to fill it with something else. Camp activities or making friends with some of the other campers your age would be fun, and make you less dependent upon her for company. Please consider it.

DEAR ABBY: My husband's stepsister, "Melanie," visits us from Alabama for five days every year. When Melanie stays with us, she expects to make us a "Southern dinner" one night during her stay. Before she arrived, I told my husband, "Lawton," that I didn't want her making dinner because she goes through my kitchen drawers and cabinets without asking where anything is. She just takes over my kitchen!

I don't mind if Melanie helps herself to something in the refrigerator, gets a plate and silverware or something of that nature. But for her to come in and take over my kitchen and root through every drawer and cabinet truly upsets me.

Lawton went against my wishes and told Melanie it was OK to make the dinner. Abby, I couldn't even stand to be in my own kitchen while she was preparing it. I felt I couldn't say one word in my own home.

Lawton accused me of being "hostile" to her and a spoiled brat. He also let me know it is his home, too, and when his stepsister comes to visit, she's allowed to do whatever she wants.

Am I wrong in feeling the way I do? If I am a guest in someone's home (even my sister's), I never do anything without asking. I was brought up to respect another person's home. I feel my husband should have complied with my wishes. Am I wrong? Please enlighten me. -- UPSET WIFE, POTTSTOWN, PA.

DEAR UPSET WIFE: Your feelings are understandable, and many people -- of both sexes -- feel as you do about their kitchens. However, since "preparing a Southern dinner" has become traditional when Melanie visits, my advice is to ask her what equipment she will need before she starts the preparation, so you can have it sitting on the counter ready for her. That will minimize the amount of "rooting" she has to do, and you will feel less invaded. Bon appetit, y'all!

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DEAR ABBY: This is a bit complicated. I was trying to help my sister, "Bree," last year while she was separated from her husband. (I was like a mediator.) I was her maid of honor when they were married years ago. We were close.

Bree is now accusing me of telling her ex about a man she was seeing while they were separated. I did not! She also claims I tried to sleep with her husband. I didn't do that either, Abby. He's not even my type.

She keeps fabricating lies to hurt me, and I keep rebutting them. I feel our relationship is irreparably damaged. Our parents want us to fix this. I really want to mend the rift, but I won't tolerate any more abuse from her. I have done nothing malicious. I almost hate her.

Bree and I live too far apart for counseling. Her young children will be visiting me in a couple of weeks. I love them very much. Do you think I have a chance of fixing our relationship when the kids come? I don't want to put any stress on them. They've been through enough. -- TWISTED SISTERS IN FLORIDA

DEAR SISTER: It would be interesting to know who filled your sister's head with the false information. If it was her ex-husband, it can be chalked up to his trying to cause as much damage as he could as a form of retaliation against you for "meddling" in his family problems.

Under no circumstances should you involve your sister's children in this mess -- and that includes giving them any "messages" for their mother. You should, however, either try to reason with her via telephone, e-mail, a personal letter -- or even a meeting in person, if she's willing. And that's all you or anyone can do. The rest is up to your sister.

DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, my only child, "Gwendolyn," who is now 32, had her first baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born during the exact week that my husband -- her stepfather -- and I attend his family reunion. (It is something we have done for the last 15 years.)

Gwendolyn is now incensed because we plan to attend the reunion instead of her baby's birthday party. (We were with her for the baby's birth and his first birthday party.)

I offered to compromise by having a separate celebration either before or after the reunion week, but she refused. She accuses me of putting my husband's family ahead of her and does not understand why we can't postpone or change our plans. Abby, my husband's family is scattered across the country and this is the only time we see them. Can you offer me any advice? -- PULLED IN TWO IN S. CAROLINA

DEAR PULLED IN TWO: Only this: Alternate. Next year attend the birthday party, the following year go to the reunion., etc. Attendance at either one is not, and should not be, a command performance.

DEAR ABBY: When you have a houseguest visiting in your home and you are invited to another person's home for a party, what's the polite way to deal with the visiting guest? What would you do? -- CURIOUS IN CINCINNATI

DEAR CURIOUS: If it were me and the invitation came during the visit, I would explain to my prospective hostess that I had a houseguest staying with me. That would be the party planner's cue to say, "Why don't you bring your friend? I'm sure we'd love to meet him/her." And if that didn't happen, I'd politely refuse the invitation because I already had a previous social obligation to my houseguest.

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