DEAR ABBY: This is a bit complicated. I was trying to help my sister, "Bree," last year while she was separated from her husband. (I was like a mediator.) I was her maid of honor when they were married years ago. We were close.

Bree is now accusing me of telling her ex about a man she was seeing while they were separated. I did not! She also claims I tried to sleep with her husband. I didn't do that either, Abby. He's not even my type.

She keeps fabricating lies to hurt me, and I keep rebutting them. I feel our relationship is irreparably damaged. Our parents want us to fix this. I really want to mend the rift, but I won't tolerate any more abuse from her. I have done nothing malicious. I almost hate her.

Bree and I live too far apart for counseling. Her young children will be visiting me in a couple of weeks. I love them very much. Do you think I have a chance of fixing our relationship when the kids come? I don't want to put any stress on them. They've been through enough. -- TWISTED SISTERS IN FLORIDA

DEAR SISTER: It would be interesting to know who filled your sister's head with the false information. If it was her ex-husband, it can be chalked up to his trying to cause as much damage as he could as a form of retaliation against you for "meddling" in his family problems.

Under no circumstances should you involve your sister's children in this mess -- and that includes giving them any "messages" for their mother. You should, however, either try to reason with her via telephone, e-mail, a personal letter -- or even a meeting in person, if she's willing. And that's all you or anyone can do. The rest is up to your sister.

DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, my only child, "Gwendolyn," who is now 32, had her first baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born during the exact week that my husband -- her stepfather -- and I attend his family reunion. (It is something we have done for the last 15 years.)

Gwendolyn is now incensed because we plan to attend the reunion instead of her baby's birthday party. (We were with her for the baby's birth and his first birthday party.)

I offered to compromise by having a separate celebration either before or after the reunion week, but she refused. She accuses me of putting my husband's family ahead of her and does not understand why we can't postpone or change our plans. Abby, my husband's family is scattered across the country and this is the only time we see them. Can you offer me any advice? -- PULLED IN TWO IN S. CAROLINA

DEAR PULLED IN TWO: Only this: Alternate. Next year attend the birthday party, the following year go to the reunion., etc. Attendance at either one is not, and should not be, a command performance.

DEAR ABBY: When you have a houseguest visiting in your home and you are invited to another person's home for a party, what's the polite way to deal with the visiting guest? What would you do? -- CURIOUS IN CINCINNATI

DEAR CURIOUS: If it were me and the invitation came during the visit, I would explain to my prospective hostess that I had a houseguest staying with me. That would be the party planner's cue to say, "Why don't you bring your friend? I'm sure we'd love to meet him/her." And if that didn't happen, I'd politely refuse the invitation because I already had a previous social obligation to my houseguest.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm in my early 20s and very much in love with "John," the man of my dreams. I know what I want, and I'm on the road to achieving it. I have had my "fun," and hope one day to start a family. Granted, it may not be for another two, five or 10 years -- but hopefully sooner.

This brings me to my predicament. John has told me he's not sure he ever wants to marry. He assured me that if, one day, he decides to be married, if it's not to me, then it will be to someone just like me.

I think John is worth waiting for while he decides, but I refuse to be his girlfriend for the rest of my life. Much as I love him, it would devastate me 10 years down the road if he finally decided not to marry at all.

I don't know what to do. I live on my own with no mother to run to for advice. I have always taken your answers to heart and applied them to my own life. Your advice would be greatly appreciated. -- MINDY IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR MINDY: John may be an absolute doll, but you have described someone who has made it plain he is not ready for a serious commitment. Has it occurred to you that he may be trying to keep you from getting your hopes up where he is concerned? My advice is to keep your options open, and do not sit around waiting for him to grow up and recognize what a catch YOU are.

DEAR ABBY: As an active member of Overeaters Anonymous, I am open and honest with friends about my commitment to better health and understanding the foods I can and cannot eat. I am hoping you can provide me with a kind and gentle response to someone who presents me with a special dessert that she (or he) may have spent hours preparing.

My life and attitudes have changed greatly since I joined OA, and I would give away this freedom from food obsession to everyone I know if it were possible. -- C.T. IN BOULDER, COLO.

DEAR C.T.: Congratulations on your abstinence. When you are confronted with an elaborate dessert you can't eat, say, "I know you worked hard on this. But I can't accept it. I have food issues. I'm addicted to sugar, and once I start, I cannot stop. So please understand."

And unless the person is a diet saboteur, she (or he) will back off.

DEAR ABBY: How does one tell a friend that the tattoo she got in honor of her recently deceased friend is misspelled? Or should one? (I don't think most people would have noticed the misspelling, for what it's worth.) -- GOOD SPELLER IN PASADENA

DEAR GOOD SPELLER: Sometimes the kind thing to do is to keep one's mouth shut. If this were something that was easy to fix, I'd say tell your friend in English, and fast. However, because it's not, my recommendation is to let someone else give her the bad news.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who, last year, became the guardian of her 3-year-old granddaughter. This has severely curtailed her dating due to the need to hire baby sitters.

If a gentleman knows her circumstances and asks her out anyway, who is responsible for paying the baby sitter? -- K.B. IN MACON, GA.

DEAR K.B.: Since the child is her responsibility, it is her responsibility to pay for the baby sitter. However, if the "gentleman" knows it will strain her financially -- and he can afford it -- he should offer to pick up the tab.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Yesterday I made a visit to a city larger than the one in which I currently reside and encountered a problem I have never had before.

I was in a women's restroom when a man wearing a wig walked in. It was obvious that this 6-footer, with a large Adam's apple, deep husky voice, dressed in a floral print dress and high heels, was a man.

Should a transvestite be allowed to use the ladies' restroom? And if sex change surgery was performed, are there any visible signs? -- BEWILDERED IN ADA, OKLA.

DEAR BEWILDERED: There is a difference between a transvestite (someone who feels compelled to wear the clothing of the opposite sex) and a transsexual. A transsexual is a person who feels trapped in the body of the wrong sex. Before a transsexual is allowed to have gender reassignment surgery, he or she must live for one year in the role of someone of the opposite sex. This includes using the restroom facilities of the opposite gender. It is not against the law, and it was no threat to you. (And it was probably safer for the pre-op transsexual than using the men's room would have been.)

When sex change surgery is performed, the surgeons have perfected their technique to such a degree that it can be difficult, if not impossible, to tell that it has been done.

DEAR ABBY: I recently received the following invitation via the Internet:

"You are all cordially invited to a

"WEDDING SHOWER FOR

"Tristan" and "Isolde"

"at 222 Valentine Court

"On July 25 from 1-5 p.m.

"Tristan and Issy are registered at:

"Pier One, Costco and Target

"Come and bring a friend! Tell everyone else you know as well, because I only had a few e-mail addresses. Thanks and God bless!"

Maybe casual is "in," but I still believe we should observe some of the rules of etiquette, don't you? I thought this was really rude and tacky, and your comments would be appreciated. -- CRYSTAL IN KANSAS CITY

DEAR CRYSTAL: Where I come from, showers are warm, intimate, personal gatherings where friends come together to give gifts and good wishes to the people being honored. The "invitation" you received had all the personal warmth of a casting call for extras in a historical epic -– and I don't blame you for being turned off.

DEAR ABBY: This may seem ridiculous, but it's true. My fiance and I are about to break up over his cologne. I'm allergic to it and other manufactured scents. He insists he "must" use it.

I have concluded it's about his disrespect for my needs. He says I am being unreasonable. Where do we go from here? -- MILLIE IN MIAMI

DEAR MILLIE: You and your fiance need to go for a consultation with the doctor who is treating you for your allergies, which are nothing to be sneezed at. Your fiance's attitude may not be about disrespect as much as woeful ignorance about how severe these kinds of allergies can be. Allergy sufferers exposed to certain chemicals have been known to have severe, life-threatening reactions. If, after discussing this with your doctor, your fiance still feels you are being "unreasonable," then you may indeed need to break the engagement.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)